Cognitive Biblical
Therapy Coursework
Counseling Through God’s
Transformative Word
Course 3, Chapter 5
Chapter 5
Analyzing Boasting, Pride, Rudeness,
Self-Seeking and Anger
a. Analysis of Boasting
b. Analysis of Pride
c. Analysis of Rude
d. Analysis of Self-Seeking
e. Analysis of Easily-Angered
Essay Questions: Answering the section questions (red buttons) is a great way to prepare for the end of the Chapter Quiz. You may notice, to gain full credit for the answers in Course 3 will require more details. Yet remember, these questions are for your review, not for grading purposes. The section questions will provide Dr. Wilkinson’s feedback to your answers.
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Course 3 Chapter 5
Analyzing Pride, Rudeness, Self-Seeking, and Anger
Analysis of Boasting
Question 1. Looking at question 19 (AQAL), which says, “If I sense an insecurity in my relationship to my spouse, I try to find out if my actions cause the problem.” The conditional response is going to be almost always. If I sense an insecurity in my relationship to my spouse, I almost always try to find out if my actions cause the problem. The idea from the scripture says simply that boasting costs the other person his or her sense of worth and well-being within the framework of the concepts of love. You're going to start to see these concepts change a little bit. And I've discovered this just over time, using these concepts, talking to people, and studying them myself. Remember that boasting means to be a vagabond, a phony, a wanderer about the country, an imposter.
The overt side of boasting is what we usually think of: one who dresses flashy, owns the best and expensive cars, eats at the best restaurants, has a big, beautiful house and looks down on those who do not flaunt themselves. That type of boasting is easy to see, but there is a more subtle side here. Wanting to check to make sure I have not caused the insecurity seems reasonable, and caring. But the response is conditional because we start to get into assumptions, innuendos and subtleties. One reason this is conditional is the presumption that I am the problem. I am the most important person in this person’s life, so I must be at fault for her insecurity. I'm assuming I am at fault, because I am that important. If I claim to be a Christian, and assume that I am doing something on purpose to cause insecurity in someone else, I am being an imposter. This is a conditional response towards myself.
It's forgetting the fact that the righteousness of God comes from the gift, the unconditional gift of God's grace and love through Christ, that says, I'm a new creation. The old has passed away. The new has come. I'm born again, not of the flesh, but of the spirit, of the Holy Spirit, through Christ, through my faith.
The unconditional response, which doesn't assume that there is immediately something wrong and it's your fault. The basic thing you want to communicate is you're not supposed to assume anything. The unconditional response is going to be not that you're insensitive, but that when you sense an insecurity within another person, you almost never assume that your actions, attitudes, or whatever caused the problem. Most people have trouble with this, because the assumption is that if you really care about someone, you should immediately assume, or at least be open to the assumption, that you did something wrong and need to change. At least to find out what's wrong according to the other person, rather than God, the Holy Spirit. That knocks God off of the throne. The problem here is going to be that everybody is bound by the same need for this personal relationship to God, yet is fully human. I can be wrong, and no person is to be the authority over a life, even if it's a spouse, a boss, a pastor or a friend.
This response of almost never is unconditional because patience says when we are troubled, we are to stop and seek God. Responding through the process of patience, to a spouse, a boss, a pastor or a friend, can seem to be difficult. I had a client get very mad at me when discussing a wife’s submission to her husband. I asked him, “Should your wife submit to your sin of rudeness and manipulation? Should she just be quiet? If you yell and scream, should say nothing or that's okay? Should she agree with your emotion or should she confront you through patience?” Biblical submission does not mean that she has to accept sin that impacts her. If she stays quiet, and doesn't tell you what she perceives, she's not giving you the kind of feedback and the love of God that you need to get. The husband angrily retorted, “I'll tell her what God told me. I'll tell her when I think she should hear it, and until then she needs to just be quiet.” This interchange can make her appear to be manipulative through silence, or it can make him appear to be controlling and dictatorial. He either has a problem and needs help, or he just needs to be confronted so he can choose to change. The real need in this man's life is for a new or deeper relationship to God, in which the Holy Spirit is the authority over him. It's a personal relationship. Each individual has to have it and maintain it.
The reality in this question 19 is that if an insecurity is sensed in another, the first thing that needs to be done is to submit self to God to learn the truth about the situation before speaking. This couple illustrated boastful behaviors very well. She in being very quiet illustrates how a person can be boastful, by attempting to control through silence. He demonstrated boastfulness through aggression, and anger. This man was only going to come back to see me to bring a stack of bibles to show me how wrong I was. Because he was unwilling to change his understanding, he did not come back at all.
That happens sometimes, and sometimes people will call me back even years later. Boastful people can have any range of behaviors that suits their personality and spiritual condition. If they want to be boastful, it's because they reject submission to God to gain their security from God, in order to address the relationship issue openly and honestly. For further study, review “Patience” on the “Conditional and Unloving Behaviors” form.
This question is personal — your answer will reflect your own Profile Questionnaire results and your own situation. Identify the Boast question on which you scored lowest, describe what that score reveals about the boasting pattern in your life, and apply the Biblical Norm to explain what a Christ-like response would look like in your specific context. Submit your response to record it and to see Dr. Dan's sample answer.
Using your own Profile Questionnaire answers, use the Biblical Norm to explain the concept of Boast that received your lowest score.
Pasting is disabled for this answer box. Please type your answer in your own words.
Dr. Dan's Sample Answer:
Question Focus: Question 19
Question 19 reads: "If I sense an insecurity in my relationship to my spouse, I try to find out if my actions cause the problem." A score of one or two (almost always) on this question can seem kind on the surface — it looks like taking responsibility. However, this response actually reflects a subtle form of boasting. The assumption that "I must be the cause of my spouse's insecurity" places oneself at the center of everything — I am so important, so impactful, that I must be the problem. This is the quiet imposter, the vagabond side of boasting.
Biblical Norm for Boast
The Biblical Norm defines boasting as a willful attempt to deny one's own humanness, faults, and flaws by making everything one does appear always right and always better than what anyone else does — or conversely, assuming one is always at fault as a false form of self-importance. It generates mistrust, causes strife and emotional pain, and leads to the potential dissolution of any relationship within which boasting occurs.
Applying the Biblical Norm
True Agape love does not assume I am always the source of another's problem. God's Word says I am a new creation — the old has passed away. If I claim to be a Christian yet constantly assume I am doing something wrong on purpose to cause pain in others, I am being an imposter, forgetting the righteousness given freely through Christ.
The goal is to approach insecurity in a relationship through patience — thinking and praying first — rather than immediately claiming credit for the problem, which is itself a form of self-centeredness. True love neither boasts of its virtues nor assumes guilt as a hidden form of self-importance. It seeks God's truth through prayer and honest conversation before drawing conclusions about who is responsible.
Note: Compare Dr. Dan's sample above with your own answer, using your actual questionnaire score and reflecting on where self-assuming or self-focused thinking has appeared in your own relationships.
Analysis of Pride
Question 2. Remember that the concepts of Agape love in Section 2 of 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a is about what shouldn't be done when loving with God’s Agape love. Section 2 is also known as “What love is not” or “Conditional Love”. People have to know what they shouldn't do and doing it hurts the one they say they love. It also hurts the person behaving in this unloving way. The answer of almost always to question five is prideful. If you remember, pride is enmity against God's authority over your life. Knowingly remaining wrong in order to hide information from another person is pride and hatred against God's authority over your life. This manifests itself in this question by willfully ignoring a sense of right from God, in order to control a situation or another person. The prideful person will do what's best for self, even if it means hurting another person and rejecting God’s prompting to speak the truth. This action is really saying to God, “I hate your authority and I won't submit to it.” It is justifying defiance and disobedience and mocking the basic principles of respect and dignity within human life. That sounds really awful, and it is. Remember that CBT establishes a biblical norm and then says, at some point, you have to decide that you're going to submit to God’s authority over your life. In each Word Study God’s standard for use is explained. As you go through these studies, God will expose motives and help you understand a different way to behave using these standards.
For example, a husband beat his wife and had a girlfriend. The wife came for counseling, but the husband refused so she entered into a separation giving him the opportunity to change. Nine months into the separation, his wife called to talk to him about business, and his girlfriend's roommate said that he wasn't there. He was at the holiday waiting for her so they could go swimming and stay overnight. And the wife was stunned. Her husband got caught and tried to make amends. The Holy Spirit showed her that he was not sincere, but prideful. You need to let him go. He doesn't want to change. The husband tried to bully her into returning, “I won't change. You need to come back home. You're my wife! What I'm doing isn't necessarily good, but it's all right. If you weren't such a prude and silly, then you'd come home! It's all your fault.” That led to a divorce. He called me the night after the divorce, and asked, “Do you know what she's done to me?” And I said, “Yes, I was there, and I worked with her on it. And he said, “I want her back, what do I have to do?” I explained again that he needed to continue counseling, go through your problems, get things right with God. and then, if she's willing, we'll set up joint sessions and we'll start working on the problems. He made appointments and promised he'd be there, but I never heard from him again. Pride is the willingness to lie, cheat, steal. It's even the subtlety of knowing that with a little bit of an inflection in a voice or a flick of an eyebrow, you can ignite another person or cause them to be depressed and frightened and insecure. Because of God living in you, then there isn't anything you can't overcome. You're telling them the truth. When they experience that happen within them, they know they can be successful.
Now there's another side to this answer. Sometimes, people can be so hurt, or uninformed that they appear to be doing something prideful. In reality it's purely immaturity or ignorance, and they will change their behavior once they gain knowledge, and apply the steps of patience. When you first start to counsel, you don't know for sure what the person is dealing with. You have to remain very neutral and objective. You can't read in motives, and sometimes that's hard, because if they're screaming and yelling or they seem to be a willful victim, you can be tempted to get upset yourself. But remember that you are learning this at the same time. You have to stay in submission yourself and pray your own prayers, go through your own patience, and deal with your own problems. If you hit a snag with someone and things get argumentative, it is perfectly okay to tell them that you don't agree and get them to agree that both of you stop and think, pray for a week and discuss it at the next session. You can model the steps of patience. Doing this demonstrates you're not proud, but a human with limits. But that same love of God that works for you, will work for them. Just be aware that some people appear beat up and miserable. They may have been lied to, traumatized or fearful, doubting or skeptical. The difference will be that they will change. Pride comes from the depth of the soul, and there's an unwillingness to give the lordship of that soul to Jesus Christ.
When a person first begins to learn of Agape love, he or she may not realize that one can appear to be prideful when they are not. If there's not a willingness to confront another when it's appropriate, then that appearance is what they are demonstrating. Once you begin to give them knowledge, show them how this could be done, they can start dealing with their own problems. They can demonstrate that they're not prideful. So, the answer on question five has got to reflect that they will soon understand and will be willing to love with God’s love. Almost never would they knowingly remain wrong, rather than to tell someone that they made a mistake. Here's the demonstration of being unconditional. There’s no need to be right, no need to control, no desire to manipulate, and no fear. So, the person who is not proud will answer that question in such a way that they're willing to be open, honest. They have gained true security from their spiritual growth and relationship to God who empowers Agape love. They see a God who is real, cares and is constant. As growth occurs, God's security, through His love, strengthens and enables the person to be patient, to confront self first and others second. They tell others of a mistake without fear or hesitation through the Holy Spirit's strength and guidance. The proper response to this question is that, if I made a mistake, I need to communicate with God and then with the other person.
If you're prideful, you seek to control, be right, and need to be in charge. When you see someone who is prideful, their behaviors can run from very subtle to very overt. When a prideful person has no boundaries to their behavior, he or she may scream, yell, be extremely violent, or spread lies about another person. They might contact a large number of people and complain. Kids will do this sometimes lying about their parents. Maybe the parents are just holding realistic rules, but the attitude of pride means that there's no sense of propriety or a willingness to get the parents in trouble. They may spread rumors about sexual immorality. Some may go to the police, or a child may lie to a school counselor. Their rebellion against God can cause our monumental mistake as counselors to try to use logic with this person before they surrender the authority of God. They'll use your attempt to reason against you. It's a little bit like trying to have a logical discussion with someone who’s intoxicated. These folks are intoxicated with their own arrogance and self-righteousness.
If the person is willing to shake his or her fist at God, it's unrealistic to think that a person can exert authority over this attitude of rebellion. There is a pattern that will work. You track the individual's choices and hold the elements of love, Agape love, as the structure that the prideful person must fit into in order to find help. If I counseled the man who beat his wife, but wanted her back after the divorce, I would have held him to agreeing to the Agape structure. The person who is trying to work with a prideful spouse has to do the same thing. In a future course, I'll show you how to set up a “Biblical Separation”. It's critical, because you can't change the method of confrontation with a person. You have to hold up a standard for the contact that they have and the counseling they go through, before reestablishing the relationship. This is a requirement because a prideful person refuses to continue counseling, because they are having to be accountable. If they don’t want to change and be submissive to God, you will know that they aren’t really wanting to reconcile and have a healthy, godly marriage. They may threaten you, pound on your desk, or yell and scream, because they may pretend in order to get what they want. If you step in and take a position of authority, then you will be seen as the obstacle to remove. Because the attitude of pride means hatred of God's authority, then anyone who represents God's authority is fair game for any tactic that they've ever used, think up or borrow from somebody else. Pride is probably the most critical element to understand, and the major obstacle to your ability to help anybody. It's not that you're trying to be controlling or dictatorial. It's that you're saying there's a standard for your relationship to God. Somebody's got to be in charge, and it cannot be you anymore.
This question is personal — your answer will reflect your own Profile Questionnaire results and your own situation. Identify the Pride question on which you scored lowest, describe what that score reveals about the presence of pride, and apply the Biblical Norm to explain what a Christ-like response would look like in your specific context. Submit your response to record it and to see Dr. Dan's sample answer.
Using your own Profile Questionnaire answers, use the Biblical Norm to explain the concept of Pride that received your lowest score.
Pasting is disabled for this answer box. Please type your answer in your own words.
Dr. Dan's Sample Answer:
Question Focus: Question 5
Question 5 reads: "I would rather knowingly remain wrong than to tell my spouse I made a mistake." A score of one or two (almost always) on this question reveals the presence of pride.
Biblical Norm for Pride
The Biblical Norm defines pride as enmity — a burning hatred against the rule of God in the soul. Pride is the willful, rebellious declaration that says, "I'm right, God's wrong, leave me alone." It is expressed in speech and in thought. Pride is the root of sin and can exist in the heart of a believer, pulling them toward sinful rebellion. Every proud person yearns for what others say or think rather than accepting the reality of sin, the need for forgiveness, and the call to be submissive to God.
Applying the Biblical Norm
Knowingly remaining wrong in order to hide information from another person is pride — a manifestation of hatred against God's authority. The prideful person willfully ignores the prompting of the Holy Spirit to control a situation or another person. The unconditional response reflects a person whose security comes from their relationship with God, empowering them to confront themselves first and others second — communicating mistakes without fear or hesitation through the strength of the Holy Spirit.
It is important to distinguish willful pride from immaturity or ignorance. Some people appear prideful because they have never been taught how to admit mistakes in a healthy way. With knowledge and the application of the steps of patience, they will change. True pride, however, comes from an unwillingness to surrender the lordship of one's life to Jesus Christ and will not change without a genuine spiritual decision to submit to God.
Example
A husband who had been physically abusive and unfaithful was caught by his wife. When confronted, he refused to genuinely repent. Instead, he tried to bully her into returning: "What I'm doing isn't necessarily good, but it's all right. If you weren't such a prude, you'd come home. It's all your fault." Even after a divorce, when he called saying he wanted her back, he made appointments with the counselor but never returned. Pride refused to allow him to be accountable — he was willing to say the words, but not to submit to God's authority. That is the pattern of pride: knowing a behavior is wrong, yet choosing self over God.
Note: Compare Dr. Dan's sample above with your own answer, reflecting on the specific Pride question from your questionnaire that received the lowest score and the pattern you have recognized in yourself.
Analysis of Rude
Question 3 The next element is rude. Question 51 on the AQAL is, “I prefer to indicate my displeasure towards another through my body language and tone of voice, rather than by stating my thoughts and feelings towards the person truthfully through my spoken words.” The conditional response to this question is almost always. If you remember the word rudeness means feigned ignorance: the idea that I'm willing to insinuate or manipulate or do some given thing, anything really, other than speak truthfully and straightforwardly about a problem to another person. A conditional response shows the willful decision to pretend that a given action or attitude on my part, (body language, silence, tone of voice, facial expression, etc.) were really not meant to control or affect another person, when in fact, they were intended to do that very thing. In this question, the individual is stating that he or she intentionally prefers to indicate displeasure towards another through these manipulative tactics. If a person is in rebellion against God, the nudge of the Holy Spirit is ignored and the act of rudeness will occur. There's another side to it: a person may not know that they should speak or how to confront through the steps of patience. Most people have never heard this before in their life. If they just don’t know, they can be taught. Sometimes all they know is how to defend themselves with rudeness. For example, a wife was screaming at her husband, because that was all that she knew to do. She had watched her mother do this for years. Her siblings all do this and most of her friends do this. To them it's very normal to get mad at your husband, get in his face, scream at the top of your lungs and curse him, until he blows up and belts you in the face. That seems probably unbelievable, but it's almost a cultural or social norm. In groups women complain about their husbands, men complain about their wives, kids complain about their parents, workers complain about their boss or other workers. Rudeness can be subtle and yet pervasive, and it's so destructive. Anytime I prefer to indicate my displeasure towards another through these tactics, I have ignored God. He has written in scripture that Agape love is not rude. God is not rude and won't be rude to you. Don't be rude to others, be responsible for yourself.
The unconditional answer to the same question is almost never, which is I almost never prefer to indicate my displeasure towards another through my body language or tone of voice. This means that the individual does not want to control anybody, but rather wants to be controlled by the Holy Spirit to express his or her thoughts or her thoughts honestly. They want to see the problem and find the answers through the guidance of the Holy Spirit. The behaviors of a client who struggles with rudeness will seek to control and manipulate or not know how to respond. They may have learned through painful experiences to just remain quiet to avoid being hurt. Some give up trying because of past failed attempts. Expressions of rudeness can range from pounding the desk to the subtlety of silence or maybe the slight movement of one eyebrow that shows disapproval. The other questions on rudeness further exemplify the concepts of rudeness. AQAL questions 21 or 36 cover up in a way to manipulate the actions of a person that you've first given an assurance to that they're safe. I won't hurt you. I'll tell you the truth. Question 51 shows how rudeness is manifested. And question 66 rudeness is used to protect an insecurity at the expense of the other person's well-being in a spiritual, emotional, or physical sense.
This question is personal — your answer will reflect your own Profile Questionnaire results and your own situation. Identify the Rude question on which you scored lowest, describe what that score reveals about the presence of rudeness in your life, and apply the Biblical Norm to explain what a Christ-like response would look like in your specific context. Submit your response to record it and to see Dr. Dan's sample answer.
Using your own Profile Questionnaire answers, use the Biblical Norm to explain the concept of Rude that received your lowest score.
Pasting is disabled for this answer box. Please type your answer in your own words.
Dr. Dan's Sample Answer:
Question Focus: Question 51
Question 51 reads: "I prefer to indicate my displeasure towards another through my body language and tone of voice, rather than by stating my thoughts and feelings towards the person truthfully through my spoken words." A conditional response of almost always reveals a struggle with rudeness.
Biblical Norm for Rude
The Biblical Norm defines rudeness as "feigned ignorance" — pretending to be unaware of what one is doing while using body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, silence, or sarcasm to manipulate or control another person. God is never rude. Because Agape love is not rude, sacrificial submission to God means refusing to use these indirect tactics to communicate displeasure. Rudeness is never just a personality quirk — it is a willful choice to insinuate or manipulate rather than speak truthfully and directly.
Applying the Biblical Norm
A conditional response of almost always on Question 51 means the person intentionally prefers indirect signals of displeasure — a tone of voice, a look, a silence — over honest, direct communication. This is the willful decision to pretend that these actions were not meant to control or affect another person, when in fact they were intended to do exactly that.
The chapter also notes that some people are rude not out of rebellion, but out of ignorance — they have simply never been taught how to confront or communicate. A wife who screamed at her husband had watched her mother do the same for years; to her, it was a social norm. These individuals can be taught. The difference is that a person acting from ignorance will change when given knowledge and tools. A person acting from willful rebellion will resist accountability.
The unconditional response — almost never — reflects a person who does not want to control others but wants to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. They want to express thoughts honestly and find answers through God's guidance rather than through manipulation or feigned ignorance.
Example
During a counseling session, a husband made a dismissive remark to his wife as she wrote a check. She slammed her pen on the checkbook, stared at him in silence, shook her head slowly, and then picked up the pen without a word. Both actions were feigned ignorance — he pretended he hadn't said anything hurtful; she pretended her response was not intended to wound him. The Biblical Norm calls both of them to acknowledge the unrest they feel, excuse themselves if needed, and return to the conversation through the process of patience — speaking truthfully about what they perceived and felt, without the manipulation of indirect signals.
Note: Compare Dr. Dan's sample above with your own answer, identifying the specific Rude question from your questionnaire with the lowest score and reflecting on where feigned ignorance — through silence, tone, body language, or sarcasm — has shown up in your own relationships.
Analysis of Self-Seeking
Question 4. Our next element of Agape love is “self-seeking”. You're going to see some interesting things. The Scripture is so incredible. It has so many facets. It's got so much wisdom in these passages. In the next concepts like self-seeking there are only two choices involved: either seek to worship God or else to seek to plot against your own life in an attempt at suicide or plot against another person's life. One has to die by homicide or murder. Someone speaking to you in a sarcastic way brings a sense of pain and leads to emotional death. When your values are challenged, it can bring a sense of spiritual death. If you're being taunted, mocked or ridiculed, you have a sense of mental death. Any of these can result in thinking that you are crazy. We will discuss these two choices as conditional and unconditional thinking about self-seeking. Question 37 on the AQAL reads, “When I'm angry at my spouse, I find myself trying to get a person to change his or her actions and attitudes to what I believe they should be.” The conditional response is almost always. Basically, the person is choosing to plot against his or her life suicide, or is willing to do something to the other person, like rudeness, impatience, unkindness, boasting, pride, which is loving conditionally. When you are in a counseling session, you can observe what the client is doing, but you have to work the person toward perception and understanding. You would need to confront them with words like, “Does it seem like you're manipulative?” Or ask them if God's love is like what they are doing. Because people are not used to thinking critically about their own auctions. They're not used to perceiving themselves as doing something as disastrous and destructive as murder or suicide. The Holy Spirit has to help them realize the impact of their behaviors. You help them in this process of spiritual thought and introspection about their own behavior rather than just critiquing the other person’s behavior. They need to get to the place where it's where it's comfortable, to ask God what He thinks. If they don’t use the process of patience before speaking about the problem, they are being conditional in their love. They are being self-righteous, justifying silence, passive, passive manipulation, or all those things that are involved in avoiding reality and not dealing with problems.
Three common responses to a problem are:
1) the Bone Crusher who aggressively responds without thinking,
2) the passive person who runs on emotion and acts like a perpetual victim, and
3) the person who doesn’t like it but will do what is needed to survive.
The unconditional thinking of almost never would indicate that the person does not want to control anybody's thoughts or actions, but rather wants both to express thoughts and listen to other’s thoughts. So, the act of worship which we commonly think of as Sunday morning services, becomes much more practical in daily life through the process of patience. Personally, this is the costliest act of worship, because this requires obedience to seek God, acknowledges his need for God's grace to be empowered by God to express his love. This is the act of worship, may be a simple prayer, “God help me do this. Give me the courage to be quiet or wait for the active person; or give me the courage to speak, if it's the quiet or passive person. As this pattern occurs in every situation throughout each day, the person becomes more like the Lord.
In some cases, the person would willfully control and manipulate. A person could appear to be self-seeking, if he or she didn't know how to use the process of patience and appear bullish or passively quiet. You'll always find that the behaviors will match personality type and will be consistent within the common range of behaviors. The bully may slam all types of doors, talk in a loud voice, and stomp out of the room. The passive person will probably have consistency in facial expressions, soft voice, being a victim. AQAL questions go on the describe more behaviors that are self-seeking: question 22 means to plot against the life of others by pursuing non-Christian values, attitudes and actions, question 37 means the selfish person is attempting to force another person to live non-Christian ways, question 52 to demand or require another person live in non-Christian ways, and the last one (67) is a form of control in which threats, violence and verbal abuse may occur.
This question is personal — your answer will reflect your own Profile Questionnaire results and your own situation. Identify the Self-Seeking question on which you scored lowest, describe what that score reveals about the self-seeking pattern in your life, and apply the Biblical Norm to explain what a Christ-like response would look like in your specific context. Submit your response to record it and to see Dr. Dan's sample answer.
Using your own Profile Questionnaire answers, use the Biblical Norm to explain the concept of Self-Seeking that received your lowest score.
Pasting is disabled for this answer box. Please type your answer in your own words.
Dr. Dan's Sample Answer:
Question Focus: Question 37
Question 37 reads: "When I'm angry at my spouse, I find myself trying to get the person to change his or her actions and attitudes to what I believe they should be." A conditional response of almost always reflects the self-seeking pattern of trying to force another person into submission through anger.
Biblical Norm for Self-Seeking
The Biblical Norm defines self-seeking as a choice between two paths: to seek to worship God through submission, or to plot against one's own life and the life of another. Self-seeking is a lifestyle of selfishness — not a single incident — that results in poor spiritual and physical health. Choosing self over God is a form of spiritual suicide or relational homicide. Words spoken in sarcasm, mockery, and ridicule bring a sense of emotional, spiritual, and mental death to another person. Love seeks to worship God; it does not seek its own way or glory in control and manipulation.
Applying the Biblical Norm
A conditional response of almost always on Question 37 means that when the person is angry, they attempt to force another person to change — to conform to what they believe the other should be. This is plotting against the life of another rather than submitting to God. There is no thought, no prayer, no process of patience — only an emotional demand that the other person comply.
Three common patterns of self-seeking behavior are: the Bone Crusher, who aggressively responds without thinking; the passive person, who runs on emotion and acts as a perpetual victim; and the person who doesn't like the situation but will do whatever is needed to survive. All three avoid the act of true worship — submitting self to God before speaking or acting.
The unconditional response — almost never — reflects a person who does not want to control anyone's thoughts or actions, but instead wants to express their own thoughts and truly listen to others. They choose the costly act of worship: seeking God, acknowledging their need for grace, and being empowered by the Holy Spirit to respond with patience.
Example
A husband who had terrorized his wife through extreme acts of harassment — including firing a gun near her, beating furniture, and kidnapping their son to mock her — had built a pattern of plotting against her life. He chose destruction over submission to God at every opportunity. His wife, meanwhile, developed a psychosomatic limp from living in fear — which disappeared once they separated. His refusal to seek God or submit led to his own spiritual and relational death. Had he chosen to worship God — to stop, think, pray, and submit — the outcome could have been entirely different. Self-seeking always costs the person themselves most of all.
Note: Compare Dr. Dan's sample above with your own answer, identifying the specific Self-Seeking question from your questionnaire with the lowest score and reflecting on how the pattern of demanding change or plotting through anger or passivity has appeared in your own relationships.
Concepts of Easily Angered
Question 5. Let's move on and go to the next one that's not easily angered. AQAL question 8 on the questionnaire reads, “I act quickly to rectify anything my spouse perceives as my wrong action toward him/her.” If you remember, not easily angered, use the word provoke. And this question shows how you responded would provoke either a Christ-like response, or provoke fear, insecurity or anger. And the conditional response to that would be almost always. This is a typical question in which people tend to assume how they should respond. For example, a person says, “Hey, this is wrong. You need to get that straight.” The reply they expect is, “Okay, I will. Thanks a lot.” “Okay, dear, I'm sorry if that's what you think I did, you're right.” or “Okay, darling. I mean, I'm really so sorry. Whatever you say I did wrong, I did wrong.” If they quickly admit error regarding anything that another person perceives as a wrong action, they are accepting the person’s perception instead of God’s about the situation. You want to be sensitive to the other person, but not assume that what they perceive is the reality. The issue is whose perception is this? It is either man's perception or God's perception. While it's important to be sensitive to my opinion, no one should exclude God's word, standards, principles, and the presence of the Holy Spirit. They are not your God.
Be sensitive to the point at which the Holy Spirit signals that sense of unrest and then use the process of patience to seek God and the truth on the matter. That way you will avoid manipulation or conditional thinking. Avoid forcing a quick decision that has minimal intelligence, thought and prayer and the maximum emotion, fear and uncertainty. The problem with the answer of almost always, it takes God off the throne, and someone else is in charge. Conditional thinking is the person's attempt to make another person believe he or she was at fault through manipulation. These conditioned thoughts within the other person would be evident that he or she is assuming they've done something wrong without taking the time to think and pray. Conditional thinking would want to attempt to control either by manipulation or even ignorance. But if I'm attempting to get a conditioned response because I’m insecure, I need you to take the blame and say, “I'm sorry, I love you, you're right. How could I say that? Of course, you wouldn't do that. I'm really being a jerk. No, you'd never do that.” Usually if there is any hesitation to not respond that way, the offended person will assume that the person is not sorry, doesn’t love you, and is very rude before saying, “Well, if you don't know what you did to me, I am certainly not going to tell you!” If I want to condition your thoughts, then I'm banking on the fact that you're going to crumble up like a flower in the hot sun that has no water. I want you to wilt. I want you to jump on grease on a skillet. “Okay, okay. I'm really, really sorry. Tell me what I did.” At that point, I'm starting to gain control, but I'm not provoking you in love. Being not easily anchored is intelligence, acceptance, consistency, respect, and dignity. Provoking you to fear, and not think is conditioning you to blame yourself every time I exert this pattern on you.
And there's a very deep reality here, accepting blame would be saying God is a liar. I'm saved and submissive to God, but I need someone else to keep me straight. I don’t need to think or pray, because he or she is never wrong. Rather than being dependent on God, he or she is dependent on a human and this removes the sense of security that God gives us. They don’t learn to depend on God and use God’s courage to be an equal in a human relationship, both being dependent on God. They don’t get the strength and wisdom for a human relationship that comes from interaction with God in their mind, through the Holy Spirit. In other words, they don't have a sense of being solid, because of the foundation that says I'm right with God. They don't have a way to separate their actions from spiritual reality that they have righteousness. Their actions can be wrong, but they can still have a pure heart. They can have a genuine desire to love the Lord and serve the Lord. There's an equality in the relationship that we provoked each other properly, and God helped us to resolve human relationship issues.
The unconditional thinking would be reflected by the answer of almost never, I almost never quickly act to rectify anything that a spouse perceives as a wrong action or attitude towards him or her. It's not that you're being insensitive, uncaring. It's just the idea of an immediate response, revealing a desire to say or do what is needed to avoid conflict at all cost. The person may be passive, or do this out of fear. An aggressive personality wouldn't just respond quickly, but they'd speak quickly and be almost legalistic or dictatorial. The unconditional response would be to pause. Expecting an immediate answer is because people are so conditioned, that they don't think they have a godly right to take a break and pause. By pausing we are inserting a buffer zone, like “Stop/Think/Pray” so we can seek God and pray about our response. Our unconditional response is not insensitivity. It's a process, taking a break. Self-doubt is an interesting phenomenon that involves the confidence people have in their minds and their discernment. They literally will not trust themselves. There's a game I often see in counseling that’s called “Who's crazy.” A very discerning person knows that there is something wrong, but lacks knowledge on how to confront the difficulty they're in. Often, they are manipulated by another person and don’t know how to address the manipulation. They may try to address the problem with little or no success because they encounter even more manipulation. They still know that something is wrong, but they give. Repeating that process over months or years, gets them to question things that they were discerning. Once they learn the truth and gain skills and knowledge, they're just shocked realizing that they've been right or partially right over many years. They are overwhelmed because they've wondered if they were crazy. They have lived in a twilight zone where things felt surreal. They may show behaviors of confusion and anger demanding the other person change.
If we look at the other concepts, such as in AQAL Question 8, not being easily angered means that your reactions to another individual can generate either a Christ like and that's patience and kindness or a selfish, controlling or carnal response within a person during the conflict situation. In Question 23 not being easily angered involves the spiritual response to the human perception of being wronged by another. There's a spiritual response that's much different from a human response. The human response is emotion, self-righteousness, anger, indignation. A spiritual response is best modeled by the willingness of Christ to go to the cross. He processed his honest thoughts and feelings in his prayers to the father when he asked that the cup be taken from him. We are really pointing people toward the authority, the supremacy of the person of Christ over them in the midst of a conflict. Normal human responses are generally vicious or passive rather than Christ-like because they lack process. They'll stumble over that one when you work through that concept, because it's so new. In question 38 another person can be provoked into the Agape spirit through the Holy Spirit. In other words, patience provokes thought, prayer, and introspection with time. Question 53 is a contentious spirit can provoke the other to non-Christian thoughts and actions. Studying the word contentiousness in the Scripture describes pulling alongside someone and sharpening yourself against them. Words can be like an old, raspy, sharp toothed, rat tail file digging, gouging, and scratching to pull away from a person portions and parts and bits and pieces of self. And the last one, 68 says a Christ-like spirit, can provoke another into Agape love.
Copyright 1987, 1990, 1993 by Daniel D. Wilkinson. All rights reserved. For more information concerning this material, write to:
The Biblical Christian Counseling Ministries, Inc., 2730 Radcliffe Dr., Florissant, MO 63031.
Any reproduction of this material without the express written consent of the author is prohibited. Printed in the U.S.A..
This question is personal — your answer will reflect your own Profile Questionnaire results and your own situation. Identify the Easily Angered question on which you scored lowest, describe what that score reveals about provocation patterns in your life, and apply the Biblical Norm to explain what a Christ-like response would look like in your specific context. Submit your response to record it and to see Dr. Dan's sample answer.
Using your own Profile Questionnaire answers, use the Biblical Norm to explain the concept of Easily Angered that received your lowest score.
Pasting is disabled for this answer box. Please type your answer in your own words.
Dr. Dan's Sample Answer:
Question Focus: Question 8
Question 8 reads: "I act quickly to rectify anything my spouse perceives as my wrong action toward him/her." A conditional response of almost always reveals a struggle with being easily angered — specifically, the pattern of accepting blame immediately under emotional pressure rather than seeking God's truth first.
Biblical Norm for Easily Angered
The Biblical Norm defines not being easily angered as understanding the power of provocation — what one person's response causes, provokes, or incites within another. Ungodly provocation irritates and manipulates another's emotions in a harmful way. Godly provocation, by contrast, edifies, motivates, and encourages another toward God. Not being easily angered means responding in a way that provokes the other person toward Christ, toward thought, prayer, and honest conversation — rather than toward fear, blame, or emotional collapse.
Applying the Biblical Norm
A conditional response of almost always on Question 8 means the person quickly acts to accept another's perception of wrong — not out of genuine discernment, but out of emotional pressure, fear of conflict, or a conditioned pattern of capitulation. Accepting blame without thinking or praying takes God off the throne and puts another person in charge. It says, in effect, "This person's perception is more authoritative than God's truth."
Over time, this pattern conditions the person to blame themselves every time the other person applies pressure, making them increasingly dependent on the other person's approval rather than God's guidance. This is the "Who's Crazy" game — where a genuinely discerning person is manipulated so consistently that they begin to doubt their own perceptions and wonder if they are losing their mind.
The unconditional response — almost never quickly acting to rectify — is not insensitivity or indifference. It is the godly practice of inserting a buffer zone: pausing, seeking God, praying through the facts and feelings, and then responding from a place of spiritual truth. This pause respects both the relationship and the authority of God, and provides a safe place for honest conversation where both people can share perceptions without one person emotionally collapsing under pressure.
Example
A wife comes home to find her husband upset. He says, "You always do this" and crosses his arms in silence. Conditioned by years of conflict, she immediately begins apologizing: "I'm so sorry, you're right, I don't know what I was thinking." She has not thought or prayed — she has simply wilted under emotional pressure. The Biblical Norm would call her to pause, excuse herself, and pray through what actually happened. Then return calmly and say: "I want to understand what you perceived I did. Can you tell me? I also want to share what I was thinking. Let's figure this out together." That response provokes him toward Christ — toward thought and honest conversation — rather than reinforcing a pattern of manipulation and fear.
Note: Compare Dr. Dan's sample above with your own answer, identifying the specific Easily Angered question from your questionnaire with the lowest score and reflecting on where you have been provoked into quick capitulation, emotional reaction, or avoidance rather than Christ-like patience and honest conversation.
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