Cognitive Biblical
Therapy Coursework
Counseling Through God’s
Transformative Word
Course 3 Chapter 6
Chapter 6
Record of Wrongs, Delight in Evil, and Protection: God’s Role in Ownership
Analysis of Keeps a Record of Wrong
Analysis of Delights in Evil
Analysis of Protects
God Enables Ownership
Essay Questions: Answering the section questions (red buttons) is a great way to prepare for the end of the Chapter Quiz. You may notice, to gain full credit for the answers in Course 3 will require more details. Yet remember, these questions are for your review, not for grading purposes. The section questions will provide Dr. Wilkinson’s feedback to your answers.
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Chapter 3 Chapter 6
Record of Wrongs, Delight in Evil, and Protection:
God’s Role in Ownership
Analysis of Keeps a Record of Wrong
Question 1. The conditional thinking behind the answer of almost always keeps no record of wrong for the AQAL questions 39, 54, and 69. Remember from the studies of the biblical norms this attribute of Agape love has several facets to it. One central idea is the word “impute” which means that I attribute to another person a belief that they are evil, negative, ill, and most of all, intrinsically worthless. What that thinking means is this person is so bad, he or she is outside of the love, the power, the ability of God to heal, so that I can justify my own attitudes and actions toward him or her. The thinking is usually, “Hey, I got a right. Do you know what he or she did to me?” That's like the gateway, because I've got a right. These questions show the actions that are unloving. In a counseling setting you will see these actions of bitterness, anger, rage and long-standing torment, because people have wronged each other over and over for years.
The conditional response for all three of these questions is almost always. Question 39 reads, “Unresolved problems in my relationship with my spouse tend to consume large amounts of my time and thoughts.” In other words, they're reviewing and pondering these unresolved problems many times throughout the day and maybe night. Sometimes we refer to that as ruminating. You may not be familiar with that word. It describes how cows chew their food. The food lump is called a cud, which is swallowed, chewed and then brought back up to be chewed again several times. Through this process the grass is broken down with physical force and digestive chemicals until it's reduced to a pulpy, soft mass. To ruminate on our thoughts means to repeatedly review the thoughts about the problem in such a way as to never find any solutions. Most often by doing this, a person justifies not treating the other person with Agape love. Instead, they justify being angry, manipulative, argumentative or withdrawn and quiet. And not only do they feel justified, by ruminating they amplify and add more fuel to their anger. As this response builds, they become more convinced they are right, allowing emotions to build until fearing that this will never get resolved. They don’t know how to do anything differently. Without answers the problems never change, and they stay in the poor relationship year after year.
They ponder out of desperation and feel hopeless and defeated. And in some ways, that's very understandable. Unless we know these things about God's love and character and the work of the Holy Spirit and problem solving, we feel trapped, frustrated and hopeless. They need to learn how to work through the process of patience to resolve these issues and resolve the strong emotions. For example, a lady called me to let me know how things are going after she finished counseling. She explained that no one had ever taught her how to handle emotions in a practical manner before counseling. She said, “Things aren't perfect, and I still have times that are difficult, but I don't believe that things are as awful, because I know that I can think. I can find answers. God will help me. I can handle things through His grace, and I'm okay. Even though she was still working through problems, she had hope because she had tools and faith to help her resolve the issues.
Looking at Question 54 which reads, “During an argument with my spouse, I remind him/her of his/her previous actions and attitudes that hurt me.” An answer of almost always shows the action of keeping a record of wrong and using those things to prove that I am right in my argument because of the evidence of bad motives or spiritual condition. Because the other person did things wrong in the past, I have a right to bring them up in the present. Looking at the concepts listed on the Agape Love Analysis Profile form you can see that keeping a record of wrong, manifests itself through keeping a mental list of another person's actions, evaluating their actions from this list, and keeping an unshared and rigid record of what they've done in the past. This means that you not only keep the list, but you are also the judge and jury, because you never submitted this list, record of wrongs, to God. You want to hold tight to this list so that you feel justified to be bitter and angry.
When you deal with relationships, especially marriage, there will be times when people are stuck. A lot of times it's a sense of insecurity, and it manifests itself differently between men and women, because God has made a man with a need for respect, and made a woman with a need for security. These different needs influence the perceptions of actions, and evaluating another person's actions. When keeping an inflexible record, a secret standard is used for making judgments that produce the feelings of either very disrespected or insecure even if the spouse is changing. I've had cases where one spouse has become a Christian and is changing, but the other spouse would not accept that they were changing. Even though he has become a new creation in Christ, the hurt spouse holds on to the previous hurt and anger from that prior relationship. You can understand the person has been hurt, but at some point, they have to admit what they’re doing in justifying their unloving responses. They don't have a right to hold on to all of that bitterness. The only solution is to confront them about what they're doing. And usually, they're so bitter that you can't settle it in the session, so they will need time to pray for God’s insight and wisdom to see where they need to change and heal. I ask them to come back to the next session and share with me what God's told them. You are modeling the process of patience by speaking the truth about what their behavior is doing to the relationship, asking them to pray and read the Scripture to gain insight into what part of the problem you are fueling that is creating hopelessness and fear.
This is where ownership occurs where their submission to God, learning the process of patience and loving with Agape love starts to be worked out in a practical way. This is absolutely crucial to occur, so that they won't resort back to old patterns, but strengthen their individual life with Christ. They learn how to depend on the Holy Spirit in the daily reality of their faith. Learning these problem-solving skills will enable them to relate to another person trying to live the same way: loving with Agape love and solving problems through the process of patience.
There's another side to it. People hold on to this list of wrongs because they really genuinely have a point. They can list 10 times every month where the other person wronged them, was irresponsible, lazy, embarrassed them, and did things that were just wrong. Even though this has been a pattern in the past and not resolved, the way they are trying to solve the problems now is not acceptable, and it has to change. This even means if they confront correctly, and the other person refuses to change, they still need to be Christ like their submission to God and can't be conditional upon how they feel or how they're treated. And so that has to be brought out, and that's hard for them sometimes, but it's absolutely necessary, or else you won't help them.
The last question, 69 says, “I intentionally do not share my expectations or assumptions regarding my spouse’s actions and attitudes, e.g., he/she is frustrated because he/she is unsure about what I want.” The conditional is almost always. The concept from the Analysis Questionnaire Biblical Concepts on the Profile says, “keeping a record of wrong manifests itself through judging another's actions with an unshared secret standard for his or her behavior.” Remember that the unshared standard is going to be anything other than unconditional love: envy, boasting, pride, self-seeking, rudeness, being easily angered, and keeping a record of wrong are all standards that are secretive. The secret standard is very frustrating to the other spouse. Withholding honest communication can be a willful tactic that's seen as self-righteous and brings frustration, because the person tried to communicate with no good result: they didn't listen, try to understand or do anything differently.
Question 69 continues this whole pattern we've been looking at: an attitude of secrecy and an unknown standard for judgment where self-confrontation and submission to God are bypassed. The conditional thinking in all of these three questions is designed for the sole purpose of building a case for bitterness and enabling the individual to justify violating God's love. You want to remember that keeping a record of wrongs can be either willfulness, or it can be a result of frustration and hopelessness, because change seems to be impossible.
The unconditional Agape love response for these three questions would be almost never. The person would almost never attempt to ponder; they would pray instead. They would have emotions and thoughts, but they wouldn't stay locked in to them. A client challenged me about praying, “You wouldn't pray if that was your wife committing adultery!” I explained that I've learned to pray no matter what the problem is. There's no other alternative at this point in my life. I know prayer works, and God answers prayer in a practical way to give me insights and guidance. I pray much like a man would go for a life jacket or a lifeline that was tossed into a storm or a sea. I pray because that's the way I stay alive without destroying my life! The quicker I pray; the sooner I get answers. I don't ponder and ruminate on my emotions. Some things are more difficult than others, but with prayer I always get back to health and healing and stability.
In question 54 the unconditional answer of almost never would indicate that a person doesn't keep an unshared, rigid and inflexible standard for judgment. And in question 69 the answer of almost never would indicate that a person is open to problem solving. They're dealing with problems and not using covert manipulation for control. A client who has trouble with keeping a record of wrong will be one of two kinds: either the willful acts of pondering utilizing the secret standard for judgment or keeping a record out of frustration of being treated with constant disrespect and conflict. Those who willfully keep a record use scheming and an inflexible record to remove any responsibility for their problems and actions. If this is a willful decision, the person may have hardened his or her heart to the point of becoming unable to perceive or understand what's happening or what they're doing. As I mentioned earlier, this type of person has a hard time listening to God, the Holy Spirit, in any way. I've encountered such individuals, three out of four will listen and learn how to confront themselves with the process of patience.
The defensive keeper of the record is most likely consumed with bitterness and appear to be very self-righteous. These people sometimes have been so mad, so bitter, and so upset for so long that they need healing asking God to fix their brains and emotions. If the person has adopted this behavior as a defense mechanism, you will see change. That healing may be slow emotional healing thorough using the process of patience or the work of the Holy Spirit through learning and understanding. You teach the person to work with the Holy Spirit at the point of bitterness, so the surrender of this old coping mechanism will enable God to replace it with a new mechanism: the process of patience. They become willing to place truth, patience, kindness, protection, and trust into the old places of bitterness and anger. For both types of record keepers learning the truth and healing through surrender will bring restoration because the bad motive of imputing evil to the other will be changed. For example, a client who had this problem, told me that God revealed to her what she was doing in her pondering and her fears and assumptions. She said it was awful seeing herself being unlike Christ which was destructive and harmful to her. Claiming to be a Christian but keeping this inflexible record made her appear to be a hypocrite. She realized that her responses to his actions actually fed into his manipulation and control. He didn't know what was wrong because she wouldn't tell him. Instead, she justified how hurt she felt because of the way he acted and became petty, manipulative and emotionally dictatorial.
These behaviors are going to be tied to personality, but also, they'll involve all of the non-loving attributes (envy through delighting and evil), and they'll occur through this inner self-justification, this imputation of motives. It could be bullish, or it could be passive; overt manipulation or subtle emotion, but the core of it is this willingness to impute motives and be blind to yourself. When that changes, you will see fairness, problem solving, sharing and communication come into the relationship. They both learn to deal with conflict rather than impute motives.
This question is personal — your answer will reflect your own Profile Questionnaire results and your own situation. Identify the Keeps a Record of Wrong question on which you scored lowest, describe what that score reveals about your pattern of record-keeping, and apply the Biblical Norm to explain what a Christ-like response would look like in your specific context. Submit your response to record it and to see Dr. Dan's sample answer.
Using your own Profile Questionnaire answers, use the Biblical Norm to explain the concept of Keeps a Record of Wrong that received your lowest score.
Pasting is disabled for this answer box. Please type your answer in your own words.
Dr. Dan's Sample Answer:
Question Focus: Question 39
Question 39 reads: "Unresolved problems in my relationship with my spouse tend to consume large amounts of my time and thoughts." A conditional response of almost always reveals the pattern of keeping a record of wrong through rumination — pondering and rehearsing unresolved problems repeatedly throughout the day rather than working through them with God.
Biblical Norm for Keeps a Record of Wrong
The Biblical Norm defines keeping a record of wrong as the act of imputing evil motives to another person — attributing to them a belief that they are intrinsically worthless, beyond the reach of God's love and power to heal. The word "impute" is central: it means to take inventory, make judgments based on a secret standard, evaluate another's actions in a lightning-quick and emotionally driven way, and keep an inflexible record of perceived wrongs — even when that record is not the full truth.
This manifests in several ways: active pondering (ruminating like a cow chewing cud — making the situation more emotionally acidic over time), counting a mental list of another's actions, evaluating those actions without thinking or praying, reckoning through a secret standard based on one's own opinions and emotions, keeping an inflexible record regardless of the truth, and calculating an evil motive to impute to the other person in order to justify one's own responses.
Applying the Biblical Norm
A score of one or two on Question 39 means the person almost always allows unresolved conflict to consume their thoughts. Rather than taking those thoughts and emotions to God through the process of patience, they are reviewed and rehearsed endlessly — amplifying anger, building a case for bitterness, and producing hopelessness. The person becomes more convinced they are right the longer they ruminate, allowing emotions to build until the problem seems utterly unfixable.
This pattern often comes from one of two sources: willful record-keeping, in which a person deliberately imputes bad motives to justify their own unloving behavior; or defensive record-keeping born out of genuine frustration, where real and repeated wrongs have never been addressed and the person feels trapped. In both cases, the solution is the same — the person must be taught to work through the process of patience rather than ponder. Prayer replaces rumination; seeking God replaces rehearsing grievances.
Question 54 deepens this: "During an argument with my spouse, I remind him/her of previous actions and attitudes that hurt me." This shows how the list is used — as evidence in an argument to prove one is right. And Question 69 reveals the secret standard dimension: "I intentionally do not share my expectations or assumptions regarding my spouse's actions and attitudes" — withholding honest communication to control and judge by an unspoken standard the other person can never meet.
The unconditional response — almost never — reflects a person who chooses to pray rather than ponder, who does not keep a rigid internal record, and who is open to honest problem-solving rather than covert manipulation. Their security comes from God, not from being right.
Example
A client had kept a rigid inner record of her husband's wrongs for years. She would withdraw and become emotionally controlling rather than confront him. She didn't share her assumptions, so he didn't know what was wrong. Through counseling, God revealed to her that her behavior was feeding into his manipulation — she was claiming to be a Christian while maintaining a private list of condemnation. Once she saw this, she was able to surrender the record to God, begin communicating honestly through patience, and replace bitterness with truth. When that changed, fairness, communication, and real problem-solving entered the relationship for the first time.
Note: Compare Dr. Dan's sample above with your own answer. Identify the specific Record of Wrong question from your questionnaire with the lowest score and reflect on whether your pattern tends more toward willful record-keeping or defensive bitterness, and how the process of patience can replace rumination in your own life.
Concept of Does Not Delight in Evil
Question 2. The conditional response is almost always for question 10 concerning does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. This question on the questionnaire states, “My spouse’s mood affects my own sense of happiness and peace.” You may remember the setting I described for you earlier: the spouse comes home from work and walks into the house with a sense of, I'm okay, peace, happiness, nothing's wrong. But the other spouse comes in, slams their briefcase down, and slams the door sort of with a thud. And a chill runs through you. The assumption you make about that person's actions and tone of voice directly affects our sense of peace, our mood, emotions or well-being. Take that setting now and apply it here, because we have two choices, we'll either focus on delight in evil or rejoice with truth. Remember the practical explanation here: delight and rejoice mean calm, happiness while evil and truth mean the negative, the destructive, the fearful, the hopeless or the reality underneath an appearance. In this example, when that person comes in slamming and banging, my heart sinks, my emotions get upset, and my thoughts go unchecked. We're going to go through this again. I’ve assumed two things about myself and the other person. I've assumed a negative posture in my soul and mind, and my emotions become upset fearing what will come from the other person. Maybe they say, “It’s great to be home!” With my emotions on edge, I will respond in one of two ways. If I am an aggressive person, I may say something cutting like, “What's wrong with you slamming and banging?” If I am withdrawn, passive, and emotional, I may say fearfully, “Are you okay? Did I upset you last night?” The returning spouse hears me say, “Something's wrong with you. You got a problem.” An aggressive person may argue, “Nothing wrong with me. Why do you always accuse me of being a problem to you? Give me a break.” Lots of things like that can happen, because we've assumed a negative about the other person as well as ourselves.
If the person gets a conditional response from us, then we are making them responsible for our peace. Believing that my peace and strength is supposed to come from you. “You're supposed to treat me right. What's wrong with you?” We have negative things running through both of us. We are insinuating things about that other person. The idea here is that rejoicing is not wildly happy, but delighting and rejoicing means calm happiness. So, when the slamming and banging occurs, we have to make a decision to focus on the truth of being safe in God’s care rather than focusing on anger or fear. Remember the truth about a restored car. A magnet will show you the truth of the material making up the doors, hood, and sides, which is the truth. When we are troubled our source of strength and peace can’t come from another person in that instant in time. So, we need to step back from our emotional response and pray. Hearing the truth from God will provide the emotional balance and strength to respond in a godly way. I need to be balanced. I need to give him a break. I need to not assume things. I need to not use my old patterns of behavior. I need to choose to accept what appears to be a negative reaction until I can seek God, think and pray. Then I need to tell him what I hear from God about why I felt all those emotions.
All these things are tied up in this idea of loving God, worshiping God, being submissive to God, being a part of the ongoing development of Christ in self and Christ in somebody else. And that comes through maturity, patience and time. Within this conditional answer it shows that the person is trying to get peace and strength from a person rather than from God who provides rejoicing in the truth. Some people draw strength from feeding on the slamming and banging, because it justifies their avoidance of their own need for growth, nurturing others, or submission to God. The conditional person attempts to use manipulative tactics to control another person's mood or sense of well-being. This conditional response indicates the person does not know what Agape love is, or may assume guilt of doing something wrong. Assuming guilt hurts both individuals. The slammer and banger may need to be confronted through patience for his or her own spiritual good, or one assuming guilt may need to exercise patience for the sake of self-examination and personal spiritual change. The conditional person may not want this, but there will be a need to avoid an assumption of guilt on the other person's part. They need to see that as long as they continue to allow themselves to be controlled, they are being conditional and manipulative. A healthy relationship has the assurance that each person will be responsible for his or her own actions, attitudes and emotions.
The unconditional thinking (Agape) behind the answer of almost never for question 10 involves a refusal to focus on anything except God within a difficult situation. This question is, “My perception of my spouse almost never affects my own sense of happiness and peace.” The slamming and banging action which could be construed or perceived as negative, but instead the focus shifts from the situation and all of the accompanying feelings to one central theme of responding with Agape love. The most critical issue at that point in time is to evidence the Agape love of God towards yourself and others. That response must literally rejoice in the truth. The truth being that glorifying God through actions and attitudes is the only thing that matters. If agape love is evidenced by patience, kindness and so on, then God will enable the person that responds to grow and mature and to be a part of the solution for any others that they are involved with. In practice, this means that the individual is secure spiritually, confronts as is appropriate, and is not drawn into other people's difficulties to the point of losing their perspective of God or their emotional and spiritual stability. Literally, this would mean that when the door slams, prayer begins. If one has a personal sense of fear, dread, anger or instability, then their faith in God and confidence in His power and love forms not only their thinking, but their response to the banger.
I have these interactions with clients sometimes. In a session a client looked at me and said, “Cut the garbage. This is “La La Land” stuff. I know it's Scripture. Just get to the point, how does this stupid stuff work?” Boy, I had a hard time with that. I felt insulted, I felt angry, I was tired. I'd had sessions all day long. It took everything I could do to say to the Lord, help me remember who she is, where she's at, and what she's come through. She suffered deep emotional hurt from an alcoholic father who screamed at her. From her Analysis Questionnaire scores, I learned that she was very sincere in wanting to change, but had learned to defend herself against hurt by yelling like her father. And I looked at her and I said, “You're really sincere, and you've worked really hard for a long time to be understood, even when you've been told you're an idiot, mocked and ridiculed. But you turn into a screamer and you have a good mind. You want to think, you want to be heard. You have good perspectives. You’ve been threatened and manipulated and told to shut up.” Her mouth dropped open and tears welled up in her eyes, then ran down her face, and she cried like a baby. If we back up to when she insulted me in the session, I didn't see the truth at first. Silently I said, “Jesus, this woman makes me sick. She's a jerk, and I'd like to slap her in the face and walk out and tell her to get out of my office.” Well, that's what I'm like, unless I ask God for help. That's what we're all like. And when I asked God to help me see the truth in myself, and then the truth in her, I was able to release those emotions and spoke the truth to her in love. Went further into the explanation, because she was threatened by her scores being so much lower than her husband's scores. As I delighted in the truth, God worked on her heart so that she understood. The only viable choice I had was to speak the truth to her. She responded to it, but even if she hadn't, I had no right to do anything except what I did, to hold the truth up to her. I had to show her that she could believe and possess the truth. So, that's the whole point of the unconditional response. It's critical. We have to just live that way through the grace of God.
The negative responses would involve manipulation, rudeness, keeping a record of wrong so on and may be designed to control another person's actions and attitudes. The person might yell, they might be critical, they might be sarcastic, they might be manipulative. The conditioned responses of the other person would evidence themselves through the false assumption of blame, guilt and a willingness to always submit to the other person's opinion. Conditioned responses mean, if you remember, the person's response to the control for so long that they assume guilt, they don't realize silence can be rudeness. This pattern can also mean that the person can always assume an inability to learn, to change, have friends, build meaningful relationships, be successful on a job, or ever change patterns of choice from negative and destructive to positive and effective. That's why the lady cried, because she was vindicated. Some things were revealed that she realized a long time ago weren't right, but she didn't know how to change. The person can purposely keep his or her life in a negative or hopeless mode, the evil side, the negative side, through the types of choices that he or she makes on a daily basis. The behaviors that are going to be unconditional will be patience, problem solving, talking about things, finding answers, not being short tempered, tempered, or flying off the handle.
This question is personal — your answer will reflect your own Profile Questionnaire results and your own situation. Identify the Delights in Evil question on which you scored lowest, describe what that score reveals about the source of your peace, and apply the Biblical Norm to explain what a Christ-like response would look like in your specific context. Submit your response to record it and to see Dr. Dan's sample answer.
Using your own Profile Questionnaire answers, use the Biblical Norm to explain the concept of Delights in Evil that received your lowest score.
Pasting is disabled for this answer box. Please type your answer in your own words.
Dr. Dan's Sample Answer:
Question Focus: Question 10
Question 10 reads: "My spouse's mood affects my own sense of happiness and peace." A conditional response of almost always reveals a struggle with delighting in evil — drawing one's sense of peace and strength from another person's behavior rather than from God, and allowing negative assumptions to drive destructive responses.
Biblical Norm for Delights in Evil
The Biblical Norm defines both "delight" and "rejoice" as calm happiness — a sense of strength, tranquility, and peacefulness. The distinction lies in the source. To delight in evil means drawing that calm happiness from something negative, destructive, or fearful — from envy, pride, self-seeking, rudeness, record-keeping, or another person's behavior — rather than from God. To rejoice in truth means drawing peace and strength from the reality underneath appearances, which is ultimately the person of Jesus Christ living within the believer.
A person delights in evil when they allow a negative perception of someone else to justify their own anger, assumption of guilt, withdrawal, or retaliation. It can also mean drawing a sense of self-righteousness or control from another's struggle — feeding on the chaos because it justifies one's own avoidance of personal growth and submission to God.
Applying the Biblical Norm
A score of one or two on Question 10 reveals that the person's source of peace is conditional — their emotional stability rises and falls with another person rather than being anchored in God. When the other person slams a door, raises their voice, or gives a cold shoulder, the person's tranquility is shattered because it was never rooted in God to begin with.
This produces two typical responses: the aggressive person who snaps back with something cutting, or the passive person who immediately assumes they have done something wrong. Both are drawing from evil — from assumptions, fear, and unprocessed emotion — rather than from truth. Both have made the other person responsible for their own peace, which is a form of conditional love that will inevitably fail, creating an endless cycle of disappointment, manipulation, and emotional damage.
The unconditional response — almost never — reflects a person who refuses to focus on anything except God within a difficult situation. When a door slams, prayer begins. They step back from the emotional response, seek God, identify facts and feelings, and return to the situation with a Christ-like response. Their sense of peace is not dictated by the other person's mood because it comes from a secure relationship with God.
Example
A counselor described a client who opened a session by insulting him: "Cut the garbage. This is La La Land stuff." His immediate internal reaction was anger and a desire to retaliate. Instead, he silently asked God for help and prayed for insight into who she was and what she had been through. God showed him that she was a deeply sincere woman who had learned to protect herself by yelling — modeled by an alcoholic, screaming father. When he spoke truth to her in love, she wept. If he had drawn his peace from her behavior — from her insult — he would have retaliated and lost the session. By drawing strength from God's truth instead, he was able to see past the evil of the moment and rejoice in truth for her sake.
Note: Compare Dr. Dan's sample above with your own answer. Identify the specific Delights in Evil question from your questionnaire with the lowest score and reflect on where you have drawn your sense of peace from another person's mood or behavior rather than from God, and how rejoicing in truth would change your response in those situations.
Concepts of Protects
Question 3. Now we're going to move into Section Three, the last section of this Scripture: love always protects, trust, hopes, perseveres and never fails. These last attributes are gifts. Patience and kindness are the mechanics of how to love, which is how the rest of these attributes are possible. God’s grace provides what we need to love with his Agape love rather than selfish responses. Then God Himself gives us the ability to offer protection, be trustworthy, persevere, hope, and then he gives us a promise. The last attribute that love never fails, is a promise from God. It's a promise in which he says, “I won’t fail to empower you to do the things of love through grace, and to refrain from the things that are not of love.”
The Profile Questionnaire question 11 reads, “When in conflict with my spouse, I seek God's direction for my attitudes and actions, rather than saying or doing what I think that I should do.” The conditional answer is I almost never seek help from God. I just do or say whatever I think is right. Remember that protection means a deck underneath your feet or a thatched roof over your head. The idea is that protection is practical like going to work, bringing home an income, buying food, paying the utilities, the rent, and maintaining the car. It also is spiritual submission to God, speaking in love, working through patience, and obeying God’s doing what you understand from the scripture. With those definitions in mind, the answer is conditional, because there is no submission to God. There's no godly input on the person's decisions, emotions, perceptions, or actions. Without God’s direction, there's no protection from bitterness, anger, prejudice or assumptions for anyone, not even for himself or herself. This individual must be willing to submit these perspectives, emotions and actions to God’s standard of Agape love. This lack of submission to God will be destructive instead of redemptive in the relationship. A lack of protection against destructive actions like rudeness, keeping a record of wrong or being self-seeking, is potentially occurring with the person answering almost always or most often.
The unconditional thinking, agape thinking behind the answer of almost never on question 71 is almost never. “Conflict between another person and myself is frightening and destructive.” If I have confidence in God and God's presence in another person, then I can get my focus off of the conflict and all of the emotions that it could produce. Instead of thinking this is hopeless and unfixable, I focus on God’s promises to help get through this conflict. Rather than thinking it is terrible to have this conflict, I believe that it'll turn out for the best. Actually, things will be better in the end, because I will learn more and understand how to do better next time. This unconditional answer of almost never indicates that the individual has a sense of trust in the other person, and also trusts God. So, this spouse is not afraid, because there is a deep sense of trust in the character of God within that person. Before it can be safe to have a conflict with someone, he or she must have the presence and righteousness of God.
People are fully human, going to have limitations, emotions and prejudices that God is in the process of changing, but you can't expect them to be perfect 100% of the time, nor can they expect that of you. But if their submission or protection exists, you know things will get better. Most people the counselor will work with have a background of mistrust and fear in relation to intimacy, because of frightening and destructive conflict. In order to change their perception of conflict, you explain to the client the attributes of God’s love: do not delight in evil, do not keep a record of wrong. You can trust him. He will protect you. In other words, God can tell the difference between your worth and value as his creation, and the things that need to change within your life. Protect means that when in conflict, there can be a definite sense of spiritual peace. This is because God will enable each person to see the other the same way that God does. The conflict may be difficult and there may be intense emotions, but the outcome is assured. God will protect the obedient, extend his protection through that person and enable others to spiritually sense this protection. Each person will have a positive concept of problem solving or resolving conflict with an individual. The conflict will then change from fear and hopelessness to a sense of confidence and joy. Consistency and closeness in a relationship is maintained through protection, instead of being constantly breached, torn down or reestablished in a fearful manner.
I mentioned to you before that protection, trust, hope, persevere, that their gifts never fail. God never fails. This is the section of the whole scripture that God just has to be God. One client had an eating disorder. She had a boss who would yell at her. Other people in her life also yelled at her over many years. To cope she would overeat then in self-disgust would purge. She called to tell me that
her boss had yelled at her again, she was going to McDonald's to eat a lot. After we talked, she finally agreed to sit down and pray. She poured her heart out to God about her hurts and fears. She did eat a reasonable meal. But as soon as she got back to her job, her boss met her at the door and yelled at her about some other issue, and she headed to the restroom. Repeatedly, I had said to her, If God is God, He will protect you, if you will seek Him through patience and accept His grace. Doing that will bring you to overcome this coping mechanism. That must have come to mind, because on her way to the restroom, she remembered and cried out to God for the grace to work through patience. God showed her what she needed to do. She went into the man's office, closed the door, and for the first time in her life, treated herself right through the power of God's love. She spoke in a very clear and concise way what God had shown her. This guy didn't like it, but they worked on it for a couple months. Once he learned that he couldn't control her through yelling, their relationship became manageable. She eventually left the job because he was so rusty, crusty and coarse, but she quit mistreating herself. She made a needlepoint plaque that reads simply, “if God is God,” and in the corner is a monarch butterfly to represent how she had been transformed from the caterpillar to the freedom of the monarch, never to be in bondage again. Protect continues on page 15 below.
Ownership
Question 4. I want you to understand the process of moving through the phases of CBT: analysis, biblical norms, ownership, application, to maturity. You can't do this for your clients. You can take them through knowledge. model patients, practice through role plays, and nurture them. But the only reason you will be successful is because God is God. He is God for us as individuals, one at a time, because that's the only way we will love him and serve him. It’s the only way to help a lost and broken person who is in opposition to him and anybody who represents him.
So counseling is not a hard job, but a very humbling job. The purpose that you serve as a counselor, is to bring the person face to face with Jesus. You stay with them and watch them walk with wobbly knees. Sometimes I am scared to death while I watch them pray their own prayers, think their own thoughts, read the Word, and come into that real relationship to Jesus Christ. These last six attributes of love are about, focusing on truth, accepting God's protection, letting him empower you to be trustworthy. Having your hopes come from God, even if you're treated poorly or your feelings are raw. Having your bravery, courage and perseverance come from God to empower you to never fail. Abandoning yourself to Him, depending upon Him, learning, growing, and forming a partnership that changes as you go through growth and maturity. Sometimes you can feel like a wet rag held in the arms of Jesus. Other times He seems to be nowhere in sight, because you're just fine. But He's always there, and you can always draw on that relationship, because He won't ever leave. He won't fail. Try to understand this as best you can, there's no way to accurately explain these things, because knowledge isn't enough. There has to be a real relationship. So, you'll sense some inadequacy in this last part of this discussion, because you're describing something that you only totally understand over time.
You're describing something that that a person has to own and experience, and that won't be fully understood until we stand face to face in heaven with Jesus and look into his eyes, and we say, “We're so glad that we've come home, and we're so grateful, because You have loved us all the way. And now the journey is over, and a new life's begun.” While you are still here on earth, you want to be the person to help people heal from brokenness. In other words, you want to see the father who has been a legalistic brute, go to his children and ask for forgiveness and become compassionate like Christ. You want the spouses who have beaten each other, committed adultery or cursed and screamed at each other, speak kind words with no bitterness in them. You want to see the wounds of child molestation erased so that they no longer think God abandoned them. Also to hear people pray to God without fear. I've had people tell me that they never pray without asking God to not kill them or maim them or kill their children. So, you're looking for them to experience freedom because they took the risk to submit themselves to know God personally through Christ who enters into their lives, and holds them saying, “I love you, and it's all right. You're going to be restored not only because you precious, but so are the people in your life. I want to redeem them, too.
I hope that helps you understand a little bit of what these last attributes are about: ownership. There's no way to imitate it, and it's the only reason that this method works at all. And it's not because we are marvelous counselors. It's because God is the ultimate counselor and comforter and teacher. He's faithful, always there, always alive through His Word and His presence.
Concepts of Protects continued:
And question 71 says that conflict between my spouse and myself is frightening and destructive. And the answer would be that it's almost never that way. Never frightening, never destructive. This indicates that the person has a sense of trusting the spouse, but also a deeper sense of trust in the character and love of God. Conflict has to be safe with God, before it can be safe with other people. If the other person is filled with God’s presence, Agape love, and righteousness, then it's reasonable and safe. In order to know God, an individual has to first be vulnerable to Him and not to have been crushed or rejected by Him. Most people don't trust or know God, because they have been crushed and rejected by someone who represents God like an authority over them. Most have a background filled with mistrust and fear which came through frightening and destructive experiences of intimacy. So, your first attempts at changing that will explain that real love through God is protective, doesn't delight in evil, doesn't keep it a record of wrong, you can trust Him, He will protect you. God can tell the difference between choices, actions, attitudes and the very essence of the soul that there is worth and value in his creation.
Now, the behaviors that a person would exhibit if the present presenting problem centers around protects will be basically a lack of self-control. Remember the client who said, “Cut the junk” and smacked the table when I was trying to show her results? She didn't have any self-control, and instead demanded that I have control. In that instant I felt disrespected, and wanted to tell her to
shut up. It would have felt really good to do that. In all of our conversations, she had been very erratic. She had no mechanism yet to filter her comments through God’s standard of love, so she just says and does whatever she feels. When someone doesn't have protection, they don't give protection. Without their submission to God, they don't offer you the protection of their self-control. If they are more passive and quiet acting like a victim, they will use their rudeness and silence, to prevent their protection. They maintain control by not telling you what's on their mind.
If they are aggressive, they take charge and want to get it fixed right now! They get in your face and demand your responses. When I say in your face, I mean, here's a list of things you need to do. Did you do that yet? Why didn't you do that? I want you to do that now. What's wrong with you? There's no protection from that aggressiveness at all. The lack of protection can manifest itself in so many ways: self-pity, victimhood, unresponsiveness, bullishness, destruction of your goods, deceitfulness, distortions of reality or open falsehoods, lies. A person like this has experienced rejection, mockery and failure, to the point they realize they are not being protected. Because nobody protects me, I have to treat everybody the same way. The lack of protection is very difficult because it's going to create this sense of either insecurity or disrespect. For women the basic need for security is not being met. For men, being disrespected (nagged, harassed or I can't read your mind) will be one of the things that will be difficult to change. But God can make a difference here. That's why the ownership issue is critical. God can make a difference if the person will let him. Clients can learn to offer protection which will reestablish intimacy.
These next four attributes (protects, trust, hopes and persevere) are all connected like they have hooks. The Romans used shields in battle gear that had hooks on the sides of them. If they were being attacked, they could hook all of their shields together and withstand an assault a lot better. By just holding their shield instead of trying to keep them close together, they were stronger. That's how these attributes hook together. If I offer protection, I will be trustworthy. If I am trustworthy, I have to have a source of strength. So, my hope has to come from God. If I am going to offer that trustworthiness and have that hope, then my ability to do that over the long run, will come from my perseverance. From that, I will have courage which comes from God. If I believe that, then I have to believe that God won't fail to empower me to love with His Agape love (to be patient, to be kind, to focus on truth, to offer protection, to be trustworthy, to have a source of hope and to persevere). So, this linking of shields, keeps out those negative behaviors of what love isn’t. I don’t need to fail, but can repent, change, mature which creates within the other person: a sense of security for the woman or a sense of respect for the man.
The concept in question 11 on the Profile Questionnaire means that being Christ-like protects another from the carnal nature. The carnal nature here means that the old man within us is selfish; that part of our being that needs the consistent care and guidance of God. The part we have to submit to Him so that we can be obedient, learn, and mature. That's what that phrase is alluding to there.
The concept of protects for question 26 says that within any relationship, each person offers literal protection to the other person within different areas. So, if I can do a better job of taking out lead pipe in the bathroom or using an electric saw to rip up the floor, then I offer that kind of protection for my wife and family. I don't expect my wife to know how to do that since I can. We each have types of things we do for each other to make each life have quality and safety. There are always places where we have the ability to take care of something and we need to do that.
In the concept in question 41 states that a sense of frustration exists within a relationship if both individuals do not have a faith that protects each from his or her own selfishness. It's a feeling of I can't win no matter what I do. There's no honesty or willingness to listen to the other person or apologize for anything. The concept in question 56 says that literal protection will be fragmented without a working faith. For example, one spouse drives a rattle trap that breaks down with three kids in it on the way to school in the early morning. In the middle of rush hour and the traffic's they step on the brakes, and the pedal goes to the floor. For the third time that month the car has broken down. And when the spouse calls for help, the other spouse is too busy to help. When there is no consistency to provide protection, it becomes evident that there is not a concern to protect.
The last concept in protects is in question 71 which states, “Conflict between my spouse and myself is frightening and destructive.” Without the protection of an actively working faith, confrontation will be destructive rather than constructive. And a working faith is using the process of patience and self-confrontation in submission to God. Without that protection, there will be a problem with the sense of safety within the relationship.
Copyright 1987, 1990, 1993 by Daniel D. Wilkinson. All rights reserved. For more information concerning this material, write to:
The Biblical Christian Counseling Ministries, Inc., 2730 Radcliffe Dr., Florissant, MO 63031.
Any reproduction of this material without the express written consent of the author is prohibited. Printed in the U.S.A..
This question is personal — your answer will reflect your own Profile Questionnaire results and your own situation. Identify the Protect question on which you scored lowest, describe what that score reveals about the absence of God's direction in conflict, and apply the Biblical Norm to explain what a Christ-like response would look like in your specific context. Submit your response to record it and to see Dr. Dan's sample answer.
Using your own Profile Questionnaire answers, use the Biblical Norm to explain the concept of Protect that received your lowest score.
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Dr. Dan's Sample Answer:
Question Focus: Question 11
Question 11 reads: "When in conflict with my spouse, I seek God's direction for my attitudes and actions, rather than saying or doing what I think I should do." A conditional response of almost always — meaning the person almost never seeks God's direction and instead acts on their own judgment — reveals a failure to offer protection.
Biblical Norm for Protect
The Biblical Norm defines protect as a thatch roof or deck — a covering placed over another person to shield them from what threatens. In Agape love, protection operates on two levels: practical and spiritual. Practical protection includes providing for physical needs — income, housing, food, healthcare, and safety. Spiritual protection means placing a voluntary restraint on one's own sinful tendencies — rudeness, pride, self-seeking — through submission to God. Because protection comes from God living within the believer, it requires an actively working faith, consistent submission through the process of patience, and daily dependence on the Holy Spirit.
The last four attributes of Agape love — protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres — are linked like the hooked shields of Roman soldiers in battle. When each shield is locked to the next, the entire line is stronger. When protection is absent, the entire structure collapses — there is no trust, no hope, no endurance.
Applying the Biblical Norm
A score of one or two on Question 11 means that in conflict, the person almost never seeks God's direction — they act on their own perception, emotion, or judgment. Without His input, there is no protection from bitterness, anger, prejudice, or assumptions — not for the other person, and not even for oneself.
A lack of protection manifests in a wide range of behaviors: self-pity, victimhood, passive withdrawal, aggressive demands, deceitfulness, bullying, or distortions of reality. The passive person controls through absence; the aggressive person offers no covering and no room for the other person to grow. Both create an environment of fear rather than safety — for women, the basic need for security goes unmet; for men, the basic need for respect is violated.
The unconditional response reflects a person who brings God into every difficult moment — seeking His perspective, submitting their emotions to His standard, and responding in a way that offers the other person a covering: safety, honesty, and the knowledge that the relationship will not be destroyed by conflict.
Example
A woman with an eating disorder was repeatedly yelled at by her boss. Her coping mechanism had always been to overeat and purge. One day after her boss yelled at her again, she headed to the restroom in the old pattern — but remembered the counselor's words: "If God is God, He will protect you if you seek Him through patience." She cried out to God in the hallway, then walked into her boss's office for the first time and spoke clearly and directly about what had happened. She offered herself protection — and offered it to him too, by giving him the opportunity to respond in truth. She eventually left the job, but she never returned to the eating disorder. She made a needlepoint plaque that read: "If God is God" — a reminder that protection is not something she manufactures, but something she receives when she submits to God in the moment of conflict.
Note: Compare Dr. Dan's sample above with your own answer. Identify the specific Protect question from your questionnaire with the lowest score and reflect on where the absence of God's direction in conflict has left you or others unprotected — and how submitting to God before responding would change the dynamic.
Fully answer the following question from the content you just read and submit your answer to find your score and Dr. Dan's answer to the question.
Explain Ownership for the client and your role in this process as a counselor.
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
What Ownership Is
Ownership is the personal, internal moment when a client moves from merely knowing the truth about Agape love to genuinely living it out — when knowledge becomes experience, and experience becomes a transformed life. It is the transition from analysis and biblical norms into application and maturity.
What Ownership Looks Like in the Client
For the client, ownership looks like a growing willingness to stop and seek God before reacting — not just because it is the right thing to do, but because they have tried it and it worked. They have prayed through their facts and feelings, listened for God's perspective, confronted someone in love, and seen bitterness soften and long-standing patterns change. Ownership becomes a tremendous incentive because the client is so tired of doing what does not work that they embrace what does.
The Counselor's Role
The counselor's role is to bring the client face to face with Jesus — and then to stay with them as they learn to walk. Counseling is not a hard job, but a very humbling job. The counselor does not produce ownership; God does. The counselor's task is to provide the knowledge, model patience, practice through role play, and nurture the client toward that personal encounter with God.
Practically, this means teaching the Word Studies and biblical norms so the client has a standard outside themselves to measure their behavior against. It means walking the client through the process of patience step by step, and asking in each session: "What did you do? What did you pray? What did God tell you? What did you say? What did you hear back?" It means modeling Agape love in the counseling room itself — and being willing to confront with kindness when the client is being unloving or unwilling to see their own contribution to the problem.
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