Sexual Abuse and Adultery in Engaged Relationships

The next issue on the Symptoms and Treatment text, is potential physical abuse. This may seem odd to you, but you may have people who come in for premarital counseling and are abusing or tolerating abuse. It is evident by the bruises, a black eye, fear or insecurity. They still want to get married. Another case I had not too long ago, the man had an intensely jealous nature. They were living together and he would go to her place of work and sit in his car to see who she walked out with. When she was home alone, he would call to see if she would answer, and then hang up. She was in bondage, in fear of him, and she was going to marry him anyway. I was very honest with both of them. I cautioned against marriage until they addressed these issues and got them resolved or they will just get worse. They both affirmed that they would get better once they were married. She explained that once he had her for sure, he would relax and feel safe. I explained to them that getting married to you is not the issue. The issue is that he is in rebellion against God. He has never settled his insecurity, and you are just one more person he is using to fill up his emptiness. You are not going to satisfy him, because he needs spiritual satisfaction. You can give him sexual and emotional temporary satisfaction, that really won't satisfy him at al. It will just make it worse. They both were in bondage. He was in bondage to false concepts. She was in bondage to the abuse when there was no marriage. She was enduring violence towards herself by accepting his loud, angry, threatening gestures or behaviors, like punching holes in the wall. One time, he took a phone and ripped it off the wall, threw it through down the hallway, and it embedded itself in the other end of the hallway in the wall. He was a drinker, and that is how they met, in a bar. She didn't have children, but in some cases, the boyfriend, in one way or another, is yelling and screaming at the kids. 

Or in one case, I had he didn't like the kids being in the house at night, and this was extreme, obviously, but he would take them outside.  He had a pair of handcuffs, and would handcuff the kids to the telephone or the clothesline pole.  He would leave them outside all night so they wouldn't bother the mother and himself when they were sleeping or being sexual. Addressing the immediate issue of child abuse (when present) is necessary, as well as having a problem with her kids must eventually be resolved. Sometimes one of them will have a problem keeping a job or being faithful to work. Relatives often may call you and say, there's something wrong. There's a bondage here, she or he won't listen. There can be sexual dysfunction. The fact that they're sexual can be a dysfunction. Or there can be perversion.

 In this case, he was always wanting to be sexual with her, because he was trying to feel safe by being close to her. Their relationship to God was shaky. They professed to be Christians, and they were in a highly emotional denomination, where they did a lot of singing and clapping, very long praise services for two or three hours. I am not sure they had very good Bible teaching. The actual relationship was very dysfunctional, and I suggested that they postpone their relationship and marriage. They each needed to work on healing and getting to know God better. He got threatened and frightened, and they quit counseling before the marriage. She called me a few months later, and was crying and saying, “It's gotten worse. And you were right, and what am I going to do?” 

There can even be adultery. In this case, there were other situations going on. There wasn't any sexual abuse in the case study, but in this particular case, she did come back to counseling. He came once and got mad at her one night, blew up, said he wouldn't come back. He went to another town, and abandoned her. She didn't have a job, and she didn't know how she was going to live. And she came a couple times to counseling, but quit because she didn’t want to work on confronting herself and her unwillingness to be submissive to God. She needed to examine why she would accept his abuse and call it love. She needed to learn what love is, and contrast that to what she thought love is supposed to be. She would either scream and yell at him, or facilitate him, give him anything he wanted. Just a side issue is it's very common for folks like this to not pay for their sessions and get behind. Inconsistency with God shows their inconsistency with other people and their relationship to you.

The treatment in these cases, again, was to evaluate personality types and teach a proper form of confrontation, and if necessary, discuss separation.  I emphasized the need to address these concerns before they got married, and they weren't willing to do it. When she came, I discussed setting up a separation to get accountability. She wouldn't do that because he wouldn't do that. I had no way to effectively reach him. See the Symptoms and Treatment Text about how to set up the separation procedure, which we've already discussed. The same text also mentions here that they need to discuss any sexual issues that may be going on there, and the differences in men and women, which they didn't understand and which I was never really able to discuss with them. But that can be part of it, that you have to have that discussion.

In this case, I never was able to help these folks. They wouldn't listen before they got married. They wouldn't listen after they both quit counseling, and I never heard from them again. I know that's not a particularly encouraging situation. Part of premarital counseling can be about helping (raising awareness) people avoid a bad choice in marriage. Sometimes you will just have one person who listens to you. Sometimes you even lose both. But they have heard the truth, they have been confronted and are aware. They've had to take a look at themselves. And that plants a seed that God can use. It also is going to help the one, if they want to be Christ-like and end their pattern of getting into these kinds of relationships. It will enable them to choose a proper spouse the next time; to find someone who will think and pray and be godly and form a good relationship with. It's difficult for you, because you're faced with going through the struggle and confronting them. Dealing with their level of commitment takes a lot of hard work, but the results can be very good. You can look forward to a number of weddings for couples who are grateful and appreciate the time you took and the way that you worked with them. 

Our next topic is potential sexual abuse. A lot of the symptoms are the same again as in other relationships. Violence can exist, loud, angry discussions, extreme emotion, breaking objects, sexual abuse of the other, the children, or both. Out of control children with no parenting plan. Concerned relatives, inappropriate intervention by relatives, or sexual dysfunction. Even in pre-marital counseling, it is common to hear about sexual dysfunction like frequency or satisfaction. There may also be no relationship to God, understanding salvation, or the value of each human being. All of that can be some of the reasons for potential sexual abuse. 

There can be the sense of “I'm the problem”. The abused one blames him or herself for the problem, thinking that it is all their fault. And we'll talk more about that when we look at the whole issue of sexual abuse. And then there can be the constant cycle of sexual abuse: abuser is nice, abuses again, deny what they've done, say the abused one is sick, then the abuser is nice again. The abused one is very confused. They can't figure out what in the world's going on. The treatment again is to evaluate personality types, teach the proper form of confrontation and discuss separation. If you need to, explain what it means to be sexual and why it is fulfilling, when it's godly and righteous. The man in the case study was in bondage to his sexual drive, because of his insecurity, and was keeping her in bondage simply by being so demanding, insecure and emotional. The bondage here can be pretty intense.

Men can have a very deep intensity that they tie to their physical violence, emotional abuse, or sexual abuse. When he is in balance, being attentive to her says to a woman that she is loved, protected and safe. Out of balance being so overly attentive becomes suffocating, demanding, sickening and frightening. When a man is driven by anxiety, he can be very possessive and controlling of her friendships, time, spending money or time away from him.  For secure women, this will cause friction and arguments. Though when a woman is insecure spiritually, she seeks relationships that are attentive to her, which can lead to her being sexual as a way to feel secure through what she thinks is the man's commitment. What she doesn’t realize is that his commitment is to use her body for his own sexual gratification, trying to soothe his own insecurities and fears. Both the man and the woman are using each other, which will likely lead to other types of abuse.  In this case, you may sense in a woman, that she's like a frightened deer, or walking on eggshells and scared to death. When her fiancee’s insecurities increase, his erratic and/or threats of physical abuse increases her feeling frightened and insecure. So the sexual abuse has led her to be confused, because she's looking for that sense of commitment which the man is going to give her, but instead uses her body to fulfill that desire for security. She has to be willing to give up her false hope for security in order to stop giving him false satisfaction and control. 

Sexual abuse can also be that he's into perversion or pornography. It is common for a man to want a woman to dress inappropriately, take lewd pictures of her, or to use paraphernalia with her. In sexual abuse there can be differences in the degree of consent by each involved. The one person who is consenting to the sexual abuse or the inappropriate behaviors, can be fully consensual or not. You will need to establish a propriety to the sexual relationship they can have, which means you will need to address the fact that the one they have now is potentially inappropriate. That will involve explaining the whole issue of sexuality, including asking them to look at separation and establishing abstinence in their current relationship. 

Second, you will need to discuss the client's relationship to God and how this can affect sexual abuse. Again, we're looking at personality type, spiritual condition, understanding salvation and the concepts of God's love. The whole point is that if they ask God to reveal to them what He wants for them sexually, then you may have to help them establish a spiritual relationship to God. If there's anything that's blatantly wrong or immoral, or if a child is being abused, you must address the issue with a state agency such as the Department of Family Services. Obviously, if that's the case, it will affect the relationship negatively but not necessarily make it unredeemable. But there may be criminal charges, jail time, or a lack of trust that would hinder the relationship being rebuilt. You will need to follow the procedures for investigating, interviewing the people involved, maybe talking to a child, perhaps even calling an agency, and being involved with the police. That can happen.

 People can be involved in the couple’s relationship, not healthy, good or godly especially when children are exposed to their sinful practices. When you get into premarital counseling, you drag all the skeletons out of the closet. This exposure, shines God’s light into dark places, perhaps for the first time.  Agape love impacts the illusions or hopes for the marriage, which now are seen as false and not realistic. Again, an opportunity for God to redeem the couple, their present or future family.  That's another tough place for you as a counselor, but you need to prayerfully confront anyway, so that people can get help to avoid a bad marriage and have a good relationship.

The last item in the Symptoms and Treatment Text talks about potential adultery by one or both individuals and that'll usually come out in comments and conversations. Now, obviously they can't necessarily be adultery in its purest sense, because there is no marriage file, there's no legal commitment. But if one person also has a relationship other than with their fiancée’, you will need to directly confront the adulterous relationship. Even though they have not made marriage commitments, they still have an engagement, promise to marry commitment. And you have to ask the person in the adulterous relationship about that relationship, to see if there is a commitment, or if they're willing to give that relationship up. If the person does give that person up, then you may have to work with the person’s sense of grieving or loss, but one way or another, you have to establish fidelity. Your offer to counsel with the other person in the adulterous relationship will be critical, because it takes away any crutches or excuses for them to stay connected or help them. 

Bringing light to the adulterous relationship usually happens when you go through these different areas in discussion: sexual issues, understanding each other, finances, beliefs, values and any issues of physical abuse or sexual abuse. Including all these different things that we've talked about, relatives, friends. Have the couple individually seek the Lord to expose areas of impurity, harm or rebellion within each other and themselves.  God has a unique way to bring these areas to light for redemption, healing and peace.  

Don't hedge on discussing sexuality if you get the slightest inclination that there's some type of bondage, some type of broken concepts where each is sort of giving away their body as a sort of offering, sacrificial offering, so that they can get married at any cost. Expose that as thoroughly as you can with other issues like finances, and parenting if they have children involved. Help them to set up the parenting process that we have reviewed, and how to alter the one that the custodial parent is using to practice together in parenting. It is always good to include the child(ren) in a discussion about the stepparent. The whole family can be in the meeting about rules and consequences. Just explore every possibility that you can, so that there are as many issues resolved as possible before they get into the marital situation. It is especially important in blended families where there will be sibling rivalries, figuring out the visitation plan, where you will live together, and what you're going to buy to accommodate the blended family. 

After working through the Symptoms and Treatment Text concerns, be sure to have them identify questions and concerns from the list they created in the early counseling sessions.  Process these items, rather than just checking them off the list.  It is the counselor’s job to look under the surface, not accusing but examining potential pitfalls and resolving insecurities.  Discussing these issues will help resolve them as well as practice problem solving. Using the process of patience and role plays with them to practice before addressing more serious issues will also prepare them to confront present and future concerns. Your participation in these practical exercises as an example helps them see Agape love principles in practice. That's the whole purpose of premarital counseling, once issues are brought to light, being able to identify broken patterns of thinking and conditional behaviors for healing through the principles of Agape love. Most people don't get very thorough counseling. Those who are wise realize they can have trouble, and don't want to take the risk of a broken marriage and divorce.

Copyright 1987, 1990, 1993 by Daniel D. Wilkinson. All rights reserved. For more information concerning this material, write to:
The Biblical Christian Counseling Ministries, Inc., 2730 Radcliffe Dr., Florissant, MO 63031.
Any reproduction of this material without the express written consent of the author is prohibited. Printed in the U.S.A..