Forgiveness and Grieving

When the client asks, “What about the issues about the babies? What about what I did? What about my guilt?” You need to explain the basic facts of salvation and forgiveness. If she was not saved, then being saved is going to bring forgiveness for the choice to abort the child. If she was saved, and aborted the child, it was sin and it was wrong, and a result of being sexually immoral. Remind her, 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and to cleanse us of all unrighteousness” (ESV).  She needs to repent and ask for forgiveness from God.  For the woman who was unsaved when she had the abortion, help her face the fact that she made a choice out of ignorance to abort her child. Though if she knew it was wrong, she willfully did it, then she needs to ask God for forgiveness even if she did this out of ignorance, was pressured through a manipulative situation, she still needs forgiveness. She entered into an immoral relationship seeking security, and didn't realize her choices were leading her to deeper insecurity. 

Once she learned what love really is, let’s work with the relationship you are in now. Let's get your boyfriend into counseling. Let's set up a separation. Let's terminate the sexual part of the relationship and see if you two can form a new relationship based on being Christ-like and submissive to God, and deal with your problems, finding your security from the proper place. You have to examine the facts behind the guilt, and deal with it so that there's a new reality for life based on what love means, and how you relate to God. We addressed her guilt by talking through each of the abortions applying forgiveness to each one. In one case, she was kidnapped, restrained and used as a sexual object. In this situation she didn’t willfully enter into it, knowing that there would be physical and sexual abuse. But her need for forgiveness went back to her decision to be rebellious. We had to talk about what she did, when her dad did what she didn't like. What she could have done rather than act out. She knew the Gospel, but chose to ignore it and do her own thing. Through our discussions we discovered that her dad didn't represent the Lord clearly. Her mother's death was very unfortunate and sad. Her step- mother's difficulties were also sad. Her choice to rebel was not appropriate, but understandable, because of her lack of knowledge and her emotions and her tendencies. That rebelliousness led her into her first situation, where an abortion occurred. She was with people who were also rebellious and lived pretty wild. One of the things she called normal was sexual bondage and physical abuse. In that situation there was a mixture of her responsibility and being a victim. 

She had to think and pray, and work through patience, ask God for forgiveness, and understand how the Holy Spirit would help her see what was true and false. Her second abortion resulted from her being lost and needy. She met someone who was much like her: not knowing the Lord, and being rebellious. They began living together and she became pregnant. He wanted her to get an abortion and she wanted him, so she got the abortion. We went back to sort out the facts of the situation, what did she know and do, and what was her responsibility. What were her spiritual choices? Was she selfish, rude or proud? 

Her third abortion was pretty much the same as the second one, with pretty much the same results. Your work with the client is to help her unwind the ball of facts and separate situations involved which led to the abortion and their results. The next task is teaching the concepts of the Gospel, Jesus’ payment for our sins, His forgiveness and eternal life. Forgiveness is not God's amnesia in relation to our choices. God wants us to get His perspective on what happened, so that when the situation comes again, or temptation arises again, you can look at that whole situation, and remember what He taught you. Much like looking at an object out of your reach: you see it and know it's there. You can describe it to me, but you can't reach it. And that's the other half of what forgiveness is about. So we are to give it over to God, who forgives us, cleanses us. We are not supposed to wallow in the misery and guilt of the problem endlessly. God loves constantly, and God restores. God is good. God heals. Anytime we're working with a client, the whole focus of CBT is to get them into that working relationship with the Holy Spirit, so that the power of God, regardless of the problem, can be given to them. God’s goal is for us to understand His mind, truth and wisdom when dealing with the problem, and not be buried by it or burdened with it, or endlessly repeat the whole cycle of suffering and confusion over an issue. 

Teaching the client about forgiveness includes some basic facts. God's grace will be more than adequate to cover your sin. The Atonement, the death of Jesus, Christ, will give you a second chance. You will be forgiven. Your sins will be washed whiter than snow. In Psalm 51:5, David makes a statement after his sin with Bathsheba. He says, “Surely I was sinful from birth, from the time I was in my mother's womb.” And then he says, “Lord, cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean, wash me and I will be whiter than snow.” He's affirming the fact that, yes, he sinned, but yes, God can forgive if he will be repentant and face his problems. And not only can he do that, but he says in verse 10, “Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” And in verse 11, “Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me.” In verse 12, “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” God is affirming the fact that in forgiveness comes joy, and in a pure heart comes the ability to understand the problem and to go on and live a life that's whole, holy and healthy. 

So that's the idea of forgiveness means, yes, you have had three abortions, but you are choosing to find out why, and God is going to help you to be restored, and you don't have to do this again. And you will be okay, and you will even discover and live in a new freedom in Jesus. Try using the object out of reach as an example of the distance from or sin that forgiveness brings. It helped her to realize that she is forgiven. She has learned and she is moving on.  Some women need more help, such as a women’s Christ-centered, self-help group, who have had abortions, and other groups like “Grief Share” to hear how other women are discovering forgiveness and freedom from guilt.  

She also needed to understand eternal life. She has to understand that her children are not dead. Those children are very much alive and with God. God does not hold the unborn accountable for sin, because they do not know the gospel to reject Jesus and salvation. This is very comforting to a woman to say two things: “Your children are not dead, but with God. Because you've chosen to enter into an eternal relationship with God, you will see your children again.” In other words, you will be a family in heaven. You will have those children with you for eternity, and they will not be mad, or hate you. There will not be anything negative in those children, who will love you very much. That's a real strong motivation for becoming a Christian, because that sense of loss now is replaced with a promise. It's much like Job who lost his ten children all at once. When Job was given even more than he had before, he had another earthly family but also heavenly family. The only difference here was he had to wait to get to heaven to be with him. 

Another example is King David, after committing adultery, being responsible for the death of the husband and then the loss of his newborn child, he said in 2 Samuel 12:23, “I shall go to him, he shall not return to me.”  David knew he would see and be with his son in heaven for eternity.  That's the bottom line to abortion; the woman will have those children in heaven. Her own decision to enter into eternal life, and the fact that God, in His love and kindness, has already welcomed the aborted children into heaven with Him. It is very important to help her understand that the forgiveness of God comes from the decision to face her problems, and to be accountable. He'll give grace to forgive the sin, and he'll give grace to continue to empower the woman to have that spiritual relationship. 

Continuing our discussion of treatment for abortion, the Treatment Text also suggests that you don't hesitate to present the gospel to your client. This can be a place where you're a bit hesitant, but if that's their basic need, you have to tell them. You have to be straightforward, “You need to be saved. You need to be changed: your spirit, soul, your person, needs to be changed from being selfish to being centered on Christ, willing to think, act, do, and be like him.” Make sure that you don't hedge on that, even if you feel inadequate, scared like you'll be mocked or ridiculed. I know it's not easy, but that's your place.  

As a pastor, seminary student or lay leader, sharing the Gospel in a counseling setting may be within your comfort zone.  As a professional counselor, you may have been taught the principle of being “non-directive”, allowing the client to access their own knowledge of truth inside themself.  Or the aspect of working with the client’s agenda, rather than your own agenda.  If so or you are uncertain about this or want to refer them to a pastor, consider this perspective.  God trusts you to share His story of Agape love with whom He brings to you.  Without God’s Presence in your client’s life, your counsel will only be for symptom relief, behavior modification or cognitive restructuring at best. The aspect of you sharing the Gospel is a significant part of the therapeutic process, not being subject over their will, using undue influence or against any code of ethics. Then the format of  sharing the Gospel can be done in various forms (list of Scriptures, pamphlet, audio file, email, etc.) as well as a direct, face to face explanation of the Gospel, the Romans Road and how to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior.  

That's the point of the process of CBT, that's your job. If you don't establish that, the fact of salvation, then she won’t hear you. You're talking to them spiritually, and she is dead. She doesn't have ears to hear, eyes to see, or a mind to grasp. Spirituality, Agape love and transformation are foolish to her. You don't have to run that into the ground. There may be times when the person says, “I'll talk to you, but I'm not ready to make that decision,” and that's fine, but make sure you get the information to them. You'll be amazed at how many people have never been presented with the Gospel in a clear, practical, simple way. Help them understand that a prayer of salvation is simple. It is, “Jesus. Forgive me of my sins and be my Lord and Savior, and I commit my life to you, to following you, to understanding this Scripture.” Make a prayer that is simple for them, help them to understand that that's their need. If only, “God, I need you in my life” is a good start.  That's what needs to be said and done.