Case Study 26

The treatment text says to evaluate their concept of love and their personality types through the Agape questionnaire. In this particular situation, the original problem when I first met them was the woman was very demanding, jealous, and controlling.  The man was more laid back, quiet or passive. You'll notice that in their questionnaire results, his is labeled Active-passive (a.k.a., Passive-active), hers is labeled Active- sincere. Her highest scores were: C envy (21), D boast (19), E pride (21), and F rude (22). He middle scores were: B kind (16), G self-seeking (13), I keep a record (16) J-K delight in evil (11), L protects (18), and M trusts (13). Her lowest scores were: A patience (10), H easily angered (9), N hopes (10), O perseveres (10), and P never fails (9). She didn't have trouble with envy, being boastful, proud or rude. She did have some trouble beginning with being unkind. She would nag and harass him with, “You need to marry me. We need to get together. We need to resolve our problems.” She wasn't very helpful spiritually to herself or to him, and had some trouble with being selfish, and keeping records of wrong or holding grudges and being negative (J-K). She didn't filter what she said and would say what she wanted (protects). Her trust score shows that she didn't have a real deep sense of trust in God. Patience was one of her lowest scores, so she didn't have a good problem-solving method, other than being bossy and complaining. She also had trouble with being provoked, with her low score on easily angered. She also had trouble with hope, perseveres and love never fails, a poor concept of God.  Two of her greatest struggles were not waiting on God, not believing that he'd come through, and having very low self- esteem, or insecurity. She had very demanding parents. She had tried like crazy (Active-sincere) to do what he wanted, to please each other, but their relationship was unfulfilling. 

She chose a man who was Passive-active, partially because she could control him, and she had been working at that for a long time. Unfortunately, when he had had enough, this guy's active side emerged, and he told her to shut up. “I didn’t want to talk to her, not deal with her nagging me.” His questionnaire scores showed his strengths were in: A patience (16), E pride (16), F rude (16), G self-seeking (16), and I keep a record (20). His struggles were in: B kind (11), M trusts (9), N hopes (10), O perseveres (8) and P never fails (9). He had didn't have trouble with being impatient or being prideful or rude or selfish or holding grudges. He did start to have some trouble with envy, being boastful, easily angered, negative (JK) and being protective. He would say pretty much whatever he thought, not necessarily right away, but he'd get frustrated to where there wasn't a check on his words. He had his most difficult problem with being unkind, and in his case, he wasn't saved. His deepest issues were in knowing who God is, and because he didn’t know Him, so he couldn’t trust Him. He didn't have a sense of hope or strength coming from God, so it was all on him, and he felt like a failure. 

When I first met them, she was very insecure, emotional, needy, would nag and harass him. He would remain quiet for a long time, before blowing up. This dissatisfaction (dynamic) in their relationship motivated them to seek help since their previous benefits in the relationship decreased while their dissatisfaction increased.  His passiveness showed up on his scores on C through G and again on M through P with one point variance. 

Next in the treatment text says to assess their personality type which we have done, then assess their other areas of difficulty such as finances, abuse, substance abuse, etc.  They didn't really have extreme debt or a sense of hopelessness. They did have a business that they had founded together. He was the boss and in charge of the business, while she was the receptionist, salesperson, and administrator. The business was struggling, partially because they had it in their home. As they lived together, their arguments and squabbles came through the phone to their customers. When she was headstrong, demanding, even though she was sincere, her harsh tone would come out in how they conducted the business. She didn't always treat customers well. She didn't always treat suppliers well. And his tendencies to be active and passive, to drag his feet and then explode, would come out, because he wouldn't follow through on jobs. He wouldn't get bids out, get material on time, or follow through on orders. Because this was affecting them, I asked them if they wanted help with that. They said yes, but not necessarily at that time. 

They admitted that they were in a sexual relationship. We discussed their sexual issues and I explained the basic sexuality difference between men and women. I explained all of these things that you're seeing in the treatment text, about how men perceive that they're loved, what causes arousal, what a woman looks for in a man, where her sense of security comes from. What you (counselor) are doing here is you're giving them information that allows you to hold them accountable for what they're doing, and they begin to get the idea that a relationship to God would make these things good. Because he wasn’t a Christian, I talked to them very plainly about salvation, and talked to him about personally accepting the Lord, and he wouldn't do that. He didn’t say he was unwilling to accept the Lord, but he didn't want the Lord at that time. In his case, it came out that he wasn’t willing to do that, and hid that over time. This really frustrated her tremendously. 

We got closer to being able to talk about a separation. When I first met them, and this is a rule of thumb, I explained that at some point, I am going to talk to you about separating to reestablish your relationship on a spiritual basis. That scared them, so you have to monitor their response. Some are more willing to do that and others cling to each other like they are adrift on a life raft in a storm on the Pacific Ocean. The thought of losing that support and the life they were building together, even though it's false, can drive them away if you push it too hard. That's how these two were. So, I had to back off on it. 

As I worked through these other issues, we got closer to being able to confront them about their problems. Neither was happy, and there needed to be some accountability and a separation might be it. The logistics of this examined the possibilities of it. They didn't have any real issues with relatives, but there can be inappropriate intervening. Relationships to friends can be counterproductive by trying to help in the wrong ways with suggesting going out to party. The person at home may feel abandoned by the other. You may hear comments like, “You don't own me, we're not married.” An agreed upon separation should relieve most of these fears.  

Continuing in the treatment text deals with spiritual issues. Even if they are not Christians yet, they need to learn how the Holy Spirit works with us in resolving conflict. It is through submission to the authority of the Holy Spirit that we gain wisdom and power to make unselfish choices. Next is to evaluate if there's potential of or present physical abuse. In a different case I worked with a couple living together, the man was extremely insecure and needy. But he also, when he would get frightened, would tend to pin her arms to her side, block her in a room, and break things. At one point in time, he chased her through the house. And I don't know how she did this, but she literally went out the window and broke the window, going out the window pane, in an attempt to get away from him. Sometimes there is evidence of physical abuse. 

You, the counselor, might want to go back and review the topic of physical abuse, because there are a number of items to consider that couples tend to hide or a woman is afraid to discuss. The person's spiritual condition to God is either going to be a source of strength, or they say, “I don't have to take that.” Or if it's nonexistent, then they're going to allow the physical abuse, because they consider that to be one of the prices you pay for love, or part of love. So that physical abuse is going to have to be confronted by you as a counselor, as inappropriate, and you're going to have to gauge how willing the client is to work with you to address it.  You can say it's wrong, but if the client is not willing to take a stand and say, “I won't accept it,” then you're wasting your time. They're not going to work with you, since one or both are not ready for help. There are a number of things here that you need to check out as you work with them.