Cognitive Biblical
Therapy Coursework
Counseling Through God’s
Transformative Word
Course 4, Chapter 27
Section 6: Special Counseling Issues
Chapter 27 Pornography
Pornography is very destructive to the person, the family, the relationships with loved one and is filled with guilt and self-loathing. Dr. Wilkinson uncovers the broken concepts of sexuality and the God given aspects of God’s gift of intimacy between a man and a woman. Submitting one’s will to God is the first requirement for recovery from any addiction.
Essay Questions: Answering the section questions (red buttons) is a great way to prepare for the end of the Chapter Quiz. Chapter 27 questions require you to analyze the case study and apply both present and previous course understanding, while using common sense. The section questions will provide Dr. Wilkinson’s feedback to your answers.
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Chapter 27
Pornography
Pornography as a Stimulant
For this discussion of pornography, you will need two case studies numbers 28A and 28B. Both say Passive-active and pornography addiction, but they are two different individuals, both men. Pornography is an addiction that has primarily been a male problem for several reasons like printed and video materials primarily targeted towards men’s sexual drive and the moral stigmas that most women wanted to avoid. Even though it is rare to find a woman with a pornography addiction, it has been more common for women to view pornography since the rise of the internet.
Since men are visually more stimulated sexually and immediately aroused than women, men are more likely to be drawn to undressing women in their mind at work, distracted through media advertisements, captivated in social settings, hooked by visual preferences of women and the list goes on. For most men, the pleasure center in the mind engages sexual interest when seeing someone who is attractive. For women, the pleasure center in the mind is different, such as being attracted to the way a man looks at them, what she perceives herself as wanted, what he can offer to her relationally, her stage of her hormonal cycle or when she perceives a man will give her what she wants. Pornography often distorts one’s view of the opposite or same sex and God’s meaning and purpose of His gift to mankind of sexual intimacy. This gift of intimacy comes from God’s Agape love which pornography distorts into being selfish pleasure. Satan will then use this distortion to destroy men, women, husbands, wives and marriages. Yet, God has given mankind a “will” to choose, no matter how one’s interest is aroused or depth of the bondage, the “will” is the primary mechanism of influence inside us to either surrender to our impure desires or to surrender to God, His gracious, Agape love. Surrender of the will to love God’s Agape love becomes the focus of the counseling, especially in addictions counseling. “But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.” (James 1:14-15 ESV)
Pornography is often viewed as the stimulant, arousing the pleasure center of the mind that can lead to a preoccupation of fantasy and at some point, a sexual orgasm. This cycle for men is similar to substance use, the rush, the peak and the afterglow. Second, the cycle is connected to four chemicals in the brain’s control center: 1) Dopamine - intense high (similar to cocaine) released prior and during an orgasm. 2) Oxytocin - creating deep feelings of warmth, attachment and relaxation. 3) Endorphins - overwhelms any pain, brings comfort. 4) Prolactin - deep satisfaction, feeling loved and calm.
When a man sees a woman’s shape of her clothes that outlines her body, his brain automatically determines if he is attracted to her appearance. Over time, a man’s interest and desires will morph into more explicit, visual stimulation in his attraction to a woman. Such as from a PG rated film to an R rated film to an X rated film and beyond into specific perversions. For men seeking to break the vicious, visual cycle in the way they view women, they often feel out of control and hate how their mind processes the way they see women. Their visual addiction has become a bondage and an insecure trap to relate to women in their powerless condition. For men who act out sexually, their visual addiction leads to their inability to control their sexual flirting, touching, foreplay and acting on their lust.
When sexual pleasure is kept private, men and women often use masturbation to control their sexual experience and chemicals released in their pleasure center. Depending upon the frequency of masturbation, like any drug, the pleasure center requires increased stimulants to bring the desired level of satisfaction. For men, it is generally pornography, fantasy that can or will lead to sexually, promiscuous activities with another person. For women, pleasure through masturbation can be more about being wanted, feeling loved and desired in or outside of a romantic relationship. Yet, a woman’s fantasy life can also lead her to flirting, teasing and seducing men for a one time thrill or into dependency.
In the symptoms and treatment text, you will find the symptoms of dysfunction are broken or difficult relationships such as marriage, dating, and parenting; and sexual abuse or exposing children to pornography. To a small or large degree, this addiction has invaded the relationships the person has, even if it is hidden. The other person in the relationship may not understand or even know what is affecting the relationship, but there will be a sense that something's wrong. Also, in dysfunction, it says nonexistent or marginal relationship to God which means the client is not saved, even though they may have a lot of knowledge. Case Study 28B shows scores closer together on I through L which shows the passive side. It also shows a deal of knowledge. I think the lowest score is 16, and then it jumps up to 18, and then a lot of the scores range from 20 up to 24. It's not that the person doesn't have a concept of God. It's that they don't know how to use it to a large degree. There is something wrong, either literally unsaved or practically in the person's relationship to God.
Continuing on to more dysfunctions, says long term exposure to books, films, and magazines depicting pornographic material. This may have been stuff they stumbled on in the basement that dad thought was just fine to leave laying around the house, against mom’s objections. Next, the distortion of the true concept of sexuality and God's intention for it. That thread has shown up in several cases in this discussion: the difference between men and women. That is new knowledge that they never heard even existed. Then, the text says, distortion of God's concept of agape love. As before, the treatment begins with an analysis of the client's coping skills, personality type, and concept of God.
Case Study 28A tended to be more Active personality type, outgoing, deep voice, a nice-looking person who held a position of authority, and was well liked, well accepted, and stated that he had a marvelous marriage. His highest scores were: C envy (22), E pride (23), F rude (22), G self-seeking (21), I keep no record (22), and L protects (21). He had the least amount of trouble with envy, pride, rudeness, self-seeking, keeping records and protects. He didn't hold a grudge, and wanted to do what is right, which is protects, by looking, acting, thinking and saying good things. His middle level scores were: B kind (20), J-K delight in evil (18), N hopes (20, and O perseveres (19). He had trouble with kindness, looking for the negative (J-K), hopes that God would help him, and perseverance is there because he is more active in personality. His passive pattern only shows in E – G, and N through P. The other scores show the classic low score on patience, high score and envy and then downscale towards boasting. This pattern meant that he made quick decisions. Went from perception to reaction, and that was fairly dominant in him. The passive and laid-back part was in security or feeling loved, or sexuality.
So, he had the most difficulty with impatience, perception to reaction. He did not stop to think or pray. By being boastful or appearing to be, shows that he was seen as a phony, saying one thing and doing another. He was easily angered because of his own fears. Because he didn’t trust God to help him, he felt like a failure. His impatience, boastfulness, being easily angered, without trust, led him to the repetitive conclusion that he had failed and he was no good. This client was exposed to pornography as a kid seeing his dad’s and being told that it was OK. Before the age of 10, he got into this pattern of pornography. For his work as a young man, he traveled and found himself away from family and pornography was readily available. He began to buy magazines and the addiction only got worse as he got older. He was about 40 when I met him. He started to stay in motels that offered HBO and pay-per- view TV. At first, they offered semi pornographic channels, and later it became very hardcore. He never participated in prostitution, but this addiction resulted from his broken places which just kept gnawing away at him. When discussing his coping skills, personality type, and concept of God, I discovered broken places that needed to be addressed. We began by looking at patience. This was key for him to get over the strong urge to buy the TV program or the magazine. He challenged his impulse against truth and identified his emotions. As he practiced this process over time, his desires to do this started to ease off. He had not had any sexual difficulties with his wife, because she was very loving and tender. He treated her the same way. The rest of his life was good, with good children, good standing in his job, and the community. This intense struggle began to change almost immediately as he understood more ways to cope, and where the urge came from.
He had to relearn many of his concepts of love, because his father had been harsh, demanding, strict and legalistic. He had to restructure his concepts of God. His knowledge about God was good to a point, because he had an excellent grasp of the Scripture. But he had misunderstood the true character of God and felt extremely condemned and hopeless. Under treatment, he learned new coping skills to utilize when dealing with the urge to view pornography. We discussed any difficulties in a given relationship, including adultery, physical or sexual abuse. Once we discussed the relationship with his father, he began to understand where these thoughts and misunderstandings came from. He realized what had been done to him.
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Pornography distorts some of God's basic concepts of the true purpose and meaning of sexuality. What does the text say is the most destructive distortion by pornography on men and women? What has God given mankind to stand against the bondage of pornography?
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
The most powerful distortion is the true character of God's unconditional love, or Agape love. Pornography places the focus on our sensual and selfish nature -- a conditional, using relationship. Sexuality within the commitment of marriage in God's design becomes a place of safety, not fear.
God has given mankind a will and the grace (ability) to choose to surrender to His way -- Agape love.
Treating Pornography Addiction
Treatment calls for teaching the client about the spiritual concepts behind the act of sexuality. As I talked to him about the perspectives here, how men obtain their sense of being loved, how their primary primarily aroused through the senses, how the men believe they have to perform (see treatment text), he was amazed. In this case, he was able to explain to his wife what had been going on. She had suspicions, but he had never brought material home. She knew that there were things about the sexual part of their relationship, where he was insecure, frightened and intimidated. What that allowed him to do then was to have her become his ally, his support. She would call him. She would be in their sexual relationship. She would talk to him about his thoughts, and what he had seen in pornography. The two of them went together to nice women’s apparel stores and bought things that she could wear in the privacy of their home that were proper, yet satisfying and exciting to him. And all of this helped him to feel like he could face the problem and overcome it, which it was.
It was marvelous to see this man understand himself, and the reasons for his actions; quit labeling himself as a beast. He now understands that it's a God given desire to want to make love to your wife. It is all right for her, because she feels safe with him, spiritually secure, admires and respects him. It is wonderful to dress nicely for him, have romance, light candles, and go away for weekends. The ugliness of pornography, the lies of it, stopped controlling him, and he got out of the dark secret. He understood where they were coming from, and why they bothered him was because of his past.
In the second Case Study 28B, shows a big difference from the first case. His highest scores were: E pride (22), G self-seeking (22), I keep a record (23), J-K delight in evil (22), L protects (22), and P never fails (23). He wasn't prideful or selfish, didn’t keep records of wrong, or look on the negative. He had a sense of protection or wanting to do what's right and a sense of hope that God could help him. He didn't have a sense of failure. His middle scores were: B kind (21), C envy (20), M trusts (20), and O perseveres (21). He did start having some trouble with being kind or spiritually useful in dealing with this to himself or others, being envious, having trouble with trusts and perseveres. His lowest scores were: A patience (16), D boasts (18), F rude (18), and H easily angered (16). His most difficult problems were being impatient, boastful, rude, and easily angered, so he was provoking himself. His thoughts weren't working well. His passive scores are in the small variance in I through M, and the same score or one point variance with kindness and envy.
In this case, the outcome wasn't the same. He did go through healing and change, but in a different manner. He was very intense and would get mad wanting to control things through anger. We can see this in his scores: impatience, boastfulness (appearing to be a phony), rudeness (pretending like he didn't know what he was doing to get what he wanted), provoking himself and others by being easily angered. He had an insatiable desire to be sexual, and would demand that his wife made love to him every night, often keeping her up till two o'clock in the morning, complaining and yelling that she didn't love him, and she needed to make love to him. And by the time that they actually did make love, it was awful. She was a wreck with deep crying, and he was detached and insensitive.
He had long-term exposure to pornography beginning in childhood. He grew up in a home where he was mistreated, disrespected and ridiculed as the youngest of four brothers and picked on all the time. His parents did nothing to shelter him from it, and he had learned to remain quiet until he could no longer and then blow up in a rage where he splintered a chair against the floor, punch holes in the wall, or throw solid objects like toasters, baseball bats, or hard balls through hollow-core doors. At times, would calculate where people were in the house, so that he could get the greatest impact from scaring them to death with thrown objects. He wouldn't throw something through a door, if no one was in the other room. He waited until he could throw through the door to petrify them.
When we looked at his relationships, in the treatment text, there were difficulties with physical and sexual abuse. I had to establish a separation of the couple, and that's what numbers one through six talks about in the middle of page 84. Within about six or eight months, they were able to reconcile. In the process of reconciling, we discussed the issues of sexual and physical abuse. The man was absolutely astonished when we learned about the spiritual concepts behind the act of sexuality. He had never heard this. His parents had never talked to him about it. He didn't have any concept of this. He hadn't known the truth and what caused his insecurities. He felt absolutely cheated, ripped off, but amazed. Had gotten into pornography even further as an adult through being in the military. After that his job had connected him to friends who routinely went to establishments where there was nude female dancing. In the military he also had been with prostitutes. His difficult past, and his bad knowledge about sexuality drove his emotional demands on his wife. In his case, as we worked on his relationship to God, some of these behaviors stopped. He would think and pray, so he didn't come off as boastful or rude. He would work with God, so he was provoked to think, to hear God, to not be scared and act out. As his impatience changed to patience over time, as his trust grew stronger in God, and he relied on God's strength, then his inappropriate sexual desire changed to be less in relation to his spiritual growth and strength. “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. (2 Corinthians 3:17)
An interesting thing happened once they finally reconciled, and they had some distance on the separation, he laughed and said, “You know, I almost wonder if there's something wrong with me or I'm sick.” And I said, “Well, what do you mean?” And his wife said, “Well, you know, he used to pester me all the time, and now I finally have the right to either say no, to wait till later, or to tell him I'd like to make love to him.” And he said, “You know, it's the nicest thing to have your wife desire you, instead of browbeating her into being sexual.” Well, they'd come full circle, and they were able to trust each other with the truth. He told her about what had happened with pornography, the ones that were appropriate. He didn't give her a laundry list, but explained his childhood background and how he had been treated in the past. Their sexual relationship only got better. She was able to teach him about the types of clothing that a lady would wear, and what she would like. He got the right to buy her nice things, nice negligees or clothing. He got the chance to talk to her about how she looked and what he liked, and she willfully was able to say, “I'd like to please you, talk to me about what you like.”
They gained God's righteousness through their whole sexual relationship. And this whole thing stopped being a place where he was burdened with thoughts and fears and emotions. This information about sexuality let them both know that she can participate with him and not have to perform. He began to understand that his godliness was what freed her up to be sexual. She began to understand that when he came home to hug her, it was not an act of lust. It was looking for the physical touch that gave him the affirmation of being loved. It was beautiful to see the changes in this man from intensity and frequency born out of insecurity to a normalcy that considered both of their levels of sexual need or desire.
You will have some mixture of these sorts of issues, regardless of the situation. In almost every marital situation, there will be an element of sexual dysfunction, many from pornography and addiction and the man's part or unhealed brokenness from past experiences. Make sure that you ask them about sexuality. What's happened? What's your understanding? What's your relationship like? You'll find most, probably a large percentage, over 80 or 90% do not know these things and have trouble and are just stumbling along. People that are involved in sexual abuse, likewise, don't know these things. The abuse has distorted the whole thing. They may be so scared and wounded that they'll look at you and say, this is stupid to tell me this stuff. I'll never have a good sexual relationship anyway, but they need to know. You need to tell them, because they can be restored. They can have good relationships. They can even start over if there's been a bad sexual relationship or abuse, if they gain the knowledge, are submissive to God, and start to deal with things in a new way.
In both of the previous case studies, G for “self-seeking” scores were higher than their problematic, lower scores. This generally means the husbands were not per say “using their wife” primarily, as a sexual object, though were probably using the women in pornography. We know sexually objectifying women is sin, as Jesus said, “… everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28b ESV), Yet, when these husbands found freedom from the control of lust, pornography and objectifying women, they were able to see their wife as the primary object of their affection and build a stronger, loving relationship with her. In other cases, men who have lower G for “self-seeking” scores, they will need to confront and surrender their selfish desire (conditional love) to use their wife for their own (not mutual) pleasure. (Galatians 2:20)
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In the text, the male clients suffocate their wives with an insatiable drive for sexual satisfaction, though they discover God's purpose and design for sexuality within Agape love. What may happen in their marital relationship when the husbands' focus turns towards his security in God's Agape love?
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
She will obviously realize a difference in their relationship and possibly question his love for her. The counselor will need to explain that her husband's spiritual growth and security has replaced the inappropriate need for sexuality to take the place of God.
They will go through a period of adjustment when the husband's sexual drive will decrease and hers will increase, until they have a sense of easiness and practicality in their sexual relationship and frequency.
Underlying Issues & Reasoning
In our discussion, I’ve covered several examples of the impact of pornography and treatment applications. The counselor needs to understand that the basic problem is a lack of knowledge, how they deal with it, how they deal with their desires, and their spiritual relationship. That they either don't know God's intentions here, or don't know how to be close to God, to submit their concepts to them. And the fact that pornography distorts sexuality. This distortion takes away the ability of men and women to be honest with each other, and that's this basic thing. To be honest means, in essence, to be honest about God, because God wants the sexual relationship to be a place where there is unconditional love. God made people and what controls being sexual. God is aware of humans’ need for love, security, and stability. What goes wrong is when humans try to fulfill these needs through sexuality, which becomes a substitution for spiritual security.
Remember the key to sexual addiction is the illusion and experience of the sexual act become the means by which the man attempts to find worth and value and security. The trouble is, sex without Christian security is not going to be satisfying. Because the man is looking for inner spiritual peace, the instant after the orgasm, he is going to be miserable, because the all-consuming emotion is gone. It leaves with the orgasm. Then his spiritual self is naked and standing there alone and looking at this woman, this bedroom, place and thinking, “What am I doing here? What have I got myself involved in now? She might think I love her. Now she might want a commitment, or now she's going to want me to hold her or whatever.” And that sense of spiritual loss, abandonment, and insecurity turns the whole experience into feeling repulsion, rejection, self-abuse, self-loathing and disgust. It doesn't matter if the sex is actual intercourse or masturbation, there is a sense of hopelessness and despair. He is left alone, to cope with his shame and consequences.
So, the whole problem here is a willingness to not be Christ-like, instead choose to be immoral, rude, unkind or uncaring to someone who you have either professed you love, or someone you just met, and should treat with dignity. To break those principles, to be separate from God, is the lie of pornography: this will feel good, satisfy you and give you security and love. The truth is, pornography, masturbation can not give anyone the security found in an Agape loving relationship. You must tell the client that he is involved in an illusion. For any relationship to fully satisfy the human needs must be based on the relationships each has with God. That has to be the basis for the relationship, the friendship, the spiritual relationship, ultimately the marriage, and then the relationship of being sexual.
The sexual differences between men and women have to not only be understood, but also functional in real life. These concepts must be part of their relationship including knowledge of and working with salvation, submission, sanctification, and following the leading of the Holy Spirit. A woman needs to know and trust her husband will surrender his sexual thoughts or attention when looking at another woman. With a surrendered will in place by both spouses, even though they will not be perfect, they can start to serve the other person’s needs and concerns. They are able to live life, fix the car, take care of kids, go to sleep, get the flu, help each other out, confront and deal with problems, get answers and then be sexually intimate. It's not the whole focus of the relationship. Then there can be a balance in their life.
And what pornography does is it takes away the relational balance between a man and a woman. Pornography distorts that every woman is: consumed with a desire to have sex, with a pure physical act of being sexual. She always wants to sit around and in garter belts and black net stockings and four-inch-high heels. She lives and breathes and is consumed by this sexual desire; she wants nothing else. That's not true, but they've been taught this. They've seen this and they've heard this in TV movies, online soft- and hard-core videos. They've looked at it on their phones, the seductive face, the red lips, the allusions to oral sex, to perversions, to all these things, and that's what's got the thumb in their back. That's what satisfies women, and that's what will satisfy you. And a part of the lie is, if you don't do this, then you're not going to be a man. You're not going to be someone the woman can love. You're not going to be happy. This is never going to work, and you're always going to be a failure.
Similar questions can be asked for the woman client, to identify the lies they believe about: 1) Can a man who gives you the attention you want, be a man who cares and loves you the way you want? 2) Can being a woman who is attractive, desirable, playful and seductive attract a man who can provide you the physical and emotional security you want in life? In other words, will they believe what they read in romantic, sexual novels? What they’ve heard from their promiscuous peers? What they’ve seen on streaming online or watched with their partners? What are the true desires of their heart? What is the foundation of love a man needs to have in his character, in order to love her the way God has intended. What type of trust is needed in God, to provide the ability to say “no” to a man who checks the desirable boxes, yet does not demonstrate a surrendered will and heart to God to love her the way He does.
So to solidify what a woman needs, the man needs to know that those lies are not true. Part of the treatment needs to include the woman to verify this truth. If that's at all possible, especially if it's in a marriage, as the counselor, ask the woman point blank, “Is what I'm saying true?” “Is that what you think about?” The female client will need to hear and confirm the truth from other secure and godly women too. Above all, the clients will need to hear it, pray about it, and ask the Holy Spirit, “Is this true? Have I been lied to? What do you think? What's the reality?”
I hope this helps you understand what pornography addiction is about. It's widespread. Lots of men suffer with it, there is a good solution. There will be different aspects of this that people have, types of personalities and past experiences, that will shape how you work with them. But the foundation for recovery is clear and effective.
Copyright 1987, 1990, 1993 by Daniel D. Wilkinson. All rights reserved. For more information concerning this material, write to:
The Biblical Christian Counseling Ministries, Inc., 2730 Radcliffe Dr., Florissant, MO 63031.
Any reproduction of this material without the express written consent of the author is prohibited. Printed in the U.S.A..
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As the woman feels safer with her husband, she may begin to experience a sense of being more willing to be sexually vulnerable and accessible to her husband. Discuss why this is so and what it means for her to feel "safer" with her husband in a spiritual sense.
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
When the wife learns that safety is a spiritual need first within her intimacy, she is able to be more vulnerable in her sexual relationship with her husband. Her husband's growing relationship of dependence and submission to God and His principles will mean that her husband will not misuse her trust, and he will listen to her and change as God directs.
This will be the source of her feelings of security and safety with the husband that she has not had before.
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