Using the Process of Patience

The codependent relationship is really an abundant use of unloving characteristics of impatience, boastfulness, pride, rudeness, being easily angered, and not trusting God. They rely on their own strength rather than depending on God for help. None of these actions bring success in the relationship, but they do not have another way to interact with each other. They have to commit to stop it, and practice the process of patience. As they do this, they switch their dependency from a false god, of trying on their own flawed behavior, to a relationship with a heavenly Father. He is holy and loves unconditionally, won't hurt or manipulate them. Once they do this, their scores rise on protects, trusts, and hopes. The wife has a correct understanding of God’s character, but she never tried to have God help her with relationships. But at the point of application, she's scared to death. 

This couple made it through gaining basic knowledge of Agape love and role plays with the process of patience. They were ready for the next step of solving their own issues. I had them both make up a list of issues they wanted to talk about. For each issue, we begin to apply this knowledge and process to resolve those issues. If they have several problems to work through, the pick one issue and walk them through the steps of presenting each other's facts, feelings and perceptions. In the second or third session of a different couple (active and passive) chose writing bad checks as their issue. After we had gone through the process of patience, the husband said to the wife, “Can't you ever check the balance in the checkbook?” Immediately, I asked her, “What do you hear?” She said, “He called me stupid.”  I asked the husband to work this current situation through the process of patience: facts, feelings, spiritual insights. He did and then explained to her, “You write three to five bad checks every week. It makes me feel frustrated and angry. It seems like you want to be manipulative and cruel. Maybe I'm wrong.” I had to coach him on the could be wrong part. She said, “Okay, the facts are I write three to five bad checks, I admit it. I do it because I feel angry at you, because you call me stupid all the time. You do it in sneaky ways, and you're never up front about it. You're rude to me. You pretend like you don't know what you're doing. You call me stupid with the kids. Why'd you dress them that way? You call me stupid with the food. You expect me to eat that? You call me stupid in how I look. Boy, that looks crummy on you. Sixteen years ago, you called me stupid with the money, and I was young and scared, and I didn't know how to balance a checkbook. You expected me to, but never taught me how. It all started with; can't you ever check the balance?  I tried to talk to you. I tried to explain it to you. You wouldn't listen to me. And I finally got so hurt, that I decided that money was the way to hurt you, because money is your God. If I write bad checks, then I can hurt you.”

As you will see in the treatment plan, “Lead the client into confronting the behavior of the other co-dependent person.” Confronting hurtful behaviors is done out of “kindness”, being useful and helpful to their spouse, such as using the process of patience or aka, The Principles of Biblical Confrontation (original form) or Biblical Process for Healthy Relationships(updated form). I asked him to respond, give her your facts. He said, “Well, I did talk that way, it's wrong, and I'm sorry. I felt so inadequate when you wrote those checks. I was struggling to make up that budget, and then you destroyed it. And you wouldn't stop. I got bitter. I felt like a failure. I felt like I couldn't trust you, because you didn't want to help me succeed. I didn't realize how you responded, what you thought, and how you felt, because you never told me.” You can see how the active and the passive worked to complicate the issue, because neither would look at the truth and deal with it. So, it never got fixed. Because neither of them submitted to God, they didn't have an arbitrator or a process for communicating with each other about life issues.

That's a common issue of not communicating and solving basic life problems that you will find in your counseling. The solution was this: They made a budget. They checked it each month. She kept a running score of her checking account balance. He taught her, and he changed the words he used to speak to her. They followed the steps of patience, and they willfully submitted to God. By doing this, they avoided using these old patterns and habits. Similarly in this case of co-dependency, that is what happened for these two people. They were dependent upon a human being, flawed and fallible. They failed each other, used excuses to continue the bad behavior, and the codependency. In order to help them, you have to find the one who will agree to work on changing. The wife responded first to me. The husband had a hard time because of being passive. The wife understood how to confront him more appropriately. When she wanted to nag him, she stopped, prayed and didn't nag. Then the roles reversed. This often happens when you have a codependent relationship between a man and a woman. If the woman is in charge, she frustrated and angry that she has to do the husbands role. She hates it, and doesn't want the responsibility, and doesn't feel safe.

Even though she wants him to lead, he doesn’t want to face his problems, risk making a mistake because he feels incompetent. In order for her to feel safe, He needs to go through personal maturity and confront her in love. If the immaturity is changed, and the proper dependency is placed upon God, their co-dependency ends. They instead become dependent on the Holy Spirit through salvation, submission, and obedience. Together, they can depend on the righteousness of God, the grace of God, and the leading of the Holy Spirit. As they apply their knowledge of the biblical principles of Agape love, they can stimulate each other’s spiritual growth. One serving the other so that each can become Christ- like, according to God's plan. I'll submit to you and I'll submit to God. We can be dependent upon God.

In this particular case, it took three or four months to go through all of their issues. I tracked them for a couple years, and they did just fine. The husband sensed a calling into the pastorate. He was healed enough to do that. The skills he learned empowered him to confront himself when he was scared, confront board members, and set up boundaries for how much he worked. In other words, the skills of holiness, confrontation and proper dependency apply to every relationship. 

Question 3. It's not all roses here; sometimes codependency is not broken. Remember, you're trying to see if one of the two people want to break the codependency. The hooks of co-dependency is what keeps the couple together, though is also causing much of the dysfunction. Moving from a partner dependent relationship to a primary dependency upon God, upon His character of Agape Love is the ultimate goal. If or when one partner or spouse becomes committed to trusting God, living in the same house may agitate, provoke the other person who is not committed to change. In a marital situation, when the couple’s broken patterns are continuing, you may have to help the willing one to set up a Biblical Separation (we’ll talk more about this in Chapter 4). The separation must be under God’s authority, towards a call to reunite under the standard for living in Agape Love. The willing one will move out of the house, so as to not be a hostage of manipulation or coercion. You will need to help the willing one to solve very real issues of how to do that. Friends and family may try to intervene in the willing one’s steps towards, where you as the counselor may need to provide wisdom and understanding to those who are interfering with this process. They will need to depend on God to find a job, a new place to live, people with trucks to help them move when the other one is out of the house. Simple tasks taken one at a time: make a take list, save money, contact utilities, make a budget, etc. If God's really God, then you have to make the effort by doing your part and expecting God to do His part.

Question 4. This can happen in an employment situation, a friendship, or with a relative. Each situation will require planning to separate and set boundaries.  In some cases, one person wants to stay codependent and may be the only of the two that you see redeemed. In employment situations, co-dependency among co-workers, supervisor and supervisee or in educational settings sometimes professor and teaching assistant. Other cases with friendship bonds or family relationships, co-dependency can provide a false security of love, safety and belonging while conforming to a domineering personality or group dynamic. A controlling and domineering person can use guilt, obligation and shame to symbolically tie up the passive person, passive-active or active sincere personality, keeping the bondage intact. In faith based relationships, either worshipping, serving or employed, a “fused” community (base their identity conformity to the ministry, less about their identity and freedom in Jesus Christ) can use pressure to be either in or out of the community, subtly discouraging individuality. When primarily focused on a married couple, the same dynamics can apply that hook, bind and tie up another’s desire and attempts to move towards Agape love.

Question 5. In some cases, both of them will choose to stay codependent. I worked with a woman one time whose husband physically beat her, abused her. At the end of all of the learning and discussion, she looked at me and she said, “I can't leave him. I don't want to leave him. I know this isn't good, but I'm too frightened, and I don't want to take the chance, and I don't want to go deeper in my faith, so I'm going to stay in this.” At that point in time, she was bruised from a beating, and she never returned to counseling. I never did see her again. So sometimes people choose to stay codependent. The good news is that about three out of four people that I work with choose to become dependent upon Jesus and the Holy Spirit and the scripture. Codependency is a very tough situation, and you don't get the full effect that you desire. People have a lifetime to decide what they're going to depend upon. Maybe you don't help now, but you plant the seeds that the Holy Spirit uses when they're 45 or 50. Or a rebellious adolescent doesn’t change now, but when they're 25 or 30 or in their second or third marriage, they remember things you said. You're not always going to see the fruit of your effort. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, or you didn't do a good job or God didn't honor it. It's just hard for us, in our own self, sometimes, to deal with our emotions and our own needs, our insecurities, our hopes, our fears, so that we can let people go, and let God be in charge of their eventual healing or restoration.

Copyright 1987, 1990, 1993 by Daniel D. Wilkinson. All rights reserved. For more information concerning this material, write to:
The Biblical Christian Counseling Ministries, Inc., 2730 Radcliffe Dr., Florissant, MO 63031.
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