Cognitive Biblical
Therapy Coursework
Counseling Through God’s
Transformative Word
Course 4 Chapter 6
Section 2: Issues in Relationships
Chapter 6: Treatment for First Marriage Issues
Treatment for most issues in a first marriage are to understand his and her own and the partner’s personalities, how background impact perspectives, and how their understandings of God impacts their trust in the relationship.
Essay Questions: Answering the section questions (red buttons) is a great way to prepare for the end of the Chapter Quiz. Chapter 6 questions require you to analyze the case study and apply both present and previous course understanding, while using common sense. The section questions will provide Dr. Wilkinson’s feedback to your answers.
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Chapter 6
Treatments for Issues in First Marriage
Treatment of Spiritual Issues
We're beginning the discussion of treatment within spiritual issues in a first marriage (Case Studies 8A & B in Materials tab). The treatment says, “Evaluate personality type and concept of Agape love through the Analysis Questionnaire”. Now looking at the graphs of the active man and woman in the first marriage, let’s first look at the results for the woman; the scores are very low on L, M, N, O, P, Protects, Trust, Hopes, Perseveres and Never Fails. Remember that the last section of the scores describes the person's concept of God. It's common to have a low score on trust.
Many people say that they know God, or accept God, or know there is a God, or believe in God; but how much they believe God in the conflicts and fearful places in life, will be shown in the trust score. The lack of trust in God shows up in the Trust score as well as the Never Fails score. In other words, when they are about to curse and scream, do they trust God enough to not do those things and let go of trying to control the other person's actions? Do they trust God enough to use the steps of patience to say, let me think or think and pray? Do they trust Him enough to say, I submit to You. Help me forget about the other person for a while, show me myself and wherever I'm wrong, I repent. I want to learn, and I'll change.
If they trust God, then the issue of Never Fails passes on to God instead of trying so hard themselves. If God won't fail to help them when they submit to Him, they can trust Him to provide His strength rather than their own. They will persevere by dependence and submission, like Paul said, “When I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:10). Whatever you label it, you are explaining the idea of submission to God’s authority, sanctification, or maturity. Most people have trouble with trust, fails, and perseveres, which shows their concept of God is based on misunderstandings that are false. In this case, the active woman had a score of 8 on trust, while her husband had a score of 5 which is the lowest possible. You can see why they fought so much. If you can't trust God, you have to try to control everything yourself.
The man had refused to counsel, but the woman listened and was willing to face her anger, control and manipulation that resulted from her lack of trust. She began to submit to God, and deal with her own issues. Her strong-willed personality, rebellion against her parents, and fighting in her home, prevented her from forming a correct concept of God. She didn’t know God is trustworthy, or willing to help her overcome life issues. The result of all of these life conditions resulted in problems with anger, bitterness, nagging, and being quick tempered.
The active man leaned more toward active-sincere because he knew God through the life of his grandfather pastor. He was spoiled and protected by his coddling parents who gave him more than he needed. He was not allowed to suffer consequences for his poor choices and didn’t need God. He had no reason to learn to trust God. He had no problem-solving skills, and knew only “to take” in any relationship. He was allowed to be a tyrant. He was attracted his wife’s strength, and when he started to have conflict, he just pushed harder. He really didn’t know God enough to trust Him to help in these situations. He had low scores on Pride, Easily Angered, Kind and Patience, but his lowest was on Trust. When I shared their scores, the woman was more receptive, but the man was absolutely incensed and thought I was a lunatic. I described their personality types and spiritual conditions. Her score on Pride is okay. Her basic problem was the lack of knowledge, and lack of a relationship to God. As she learned about patience, and got to know God better, God’s authority was not an issue because she had a high score on Pride.
In the man’s case, his score on Pride (8) shows his rebelliousness against God. Some of this was a lack of knowledge of God, but it proved willful rebellion, refusing to submit to God’s authority. He understood salvation and appeared to be saved. But the issue of pride was what we had to confront. We had to establish a separation to allow him freedom to rebel against God without further damaging his wife. He was allowed to be the one in charge of his life until he got sick of it. When he came back to counseling, he was more willing to work on his issues, respectfully listening and not arguing. He was willing to listen to her and confront her properly. After about two months of counseling, they were able to reconcile. Once pride was dealt with, then he was an entirely different person. Working with clients on spiritual issues, means addressing salvation and submission to God’s authority.
That's something you know how to do. The Romans Road, is a very simple scriptural process to explain salvation: Romans 3:23 (all have sinned and fallen short of God's glory), 5:8 (While we were sinners, Christ died for us), 6:23 (The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life), 10: 9-10, 13 (if you declare with your lips and believe in your heart, that Jesus died for our sins and arose from the dead, you are saved). This can mean different things, because being saved doesn’t make one mature instantly. For example, one client accepted the Lord, but he stayed pretty rough. About a week after, he came in one day thrilled about something he'd read in the scripture. In his excitement, he said, “Dan, I had a h___ of a good day, me and Jesus in the Bible. He didn't even realize his words, but his heart was pure. The reason I'm telling you this, is that you have to be willing to meet people where they are. If you lead them to salvation, they will still be sinning: unmarried and living with somebody, drinking alcohol, or fresh out of drug addiction. If they don't know Jesus as their Savior, their last five scores, L, M, N, O, M, P, will be especially low. So be prepared for that kind of person to just simply and honestly talk about salvation.
You may have clients who are long standing Christians and genuinely saved, but may need salvation made simple to them to check their foundational beliefs. Most often clients struggle to understand how to submit to God’s authority. Some people may not be able to separate their actions from their righteousness or their salvation. They may have learned the false idea of performance salvation, reliance on their goodness, legalism or taught things that aren't true. You will help people see that what they do is not who they are. In other words, our righteousness is from God, and not measured by how many times we fail. When I first got saved, it was a good year and a half before I understood enough to deal with some of my behavior. I had quit using drugs, and gave up whiskey, but I kept drinking beer. I quit smoking marijuana, but I kept smoking great big cigars. I would clamp one in my mouth while riding my motorcycle. After a ride, I always had a hole burnt in my beard near the corner of my mouth. And in my mind, I was doing good. I wasn't living the life I had. So that was progress. Someone else could have told me that wasn’t progress. Spiritual growth is teaching your client about the grace of God, the compassion of Jesus, the forgiveness, understanding and guidance of the Holy Spirit. You cannot have expectations for how fast, or far you think they should progress. You show them the basics of becoming the son or the daughter of Jesus Christ through salvation. That part of the treatment, is knowing how to lead them to salvation.
The second part of the treatment is to teach the concepts of Agape love to individuals, along with the coping mechanisms of patience. Many Christians with Active Personalities can struggle with their emotional frustration and quick, hurtful reactions (words and behaviors). Anxiety often drives their reactions with a general defensiveness. You may have clients that are prone towards violence or anger. Now matter the range of emotional reactions, understanding the concepts of God's love and dependence upon God’s Holy Spirit, will help them restrain themselves. The working reality of patience will become an alternative to such reactions, even violence, and perseverance by learning to surrender their difficult emotions to God, rather than a self-reliant pattern of “try harder” to control myself. Clients are praying simple prayers like, “Lord, help me not put my fist through the wall again, or “Help me understand why I want to,” or “Lord, help me not to hit my wife, scream at my children, or have an affair.”
You will also need to discuss friendships (influencers) and attending church for building their faith, with community of believers’ support. I never invite them to my own church to prevent appearing to be proselyting and easier to not have clients in your own fellowship of believers. Some people will ask where I attend to make sure it is a good place. They really need Christian fellowship, Bible studies, good preaching and a place to serve. Help them understand they're not being restored to sit on a shelf. When God gets ready, he'll bring other people who you can help, because you have been miraculously restored. Look forward to that as your place of service. Prepare them for being well enough to serve God through their testimony to others who are broken and hurting.
The next part of treatment says, apply the information to presenting problems. The application is just the actual concepts of Agape love and the process of patience. Use some of your own personal examples of surrendering your emotions and difficult relationships to God. When appropriate, be transparent about your own conditional tendencies (rude, pride, easily angered, keeping records of wrong) that lead to hurting others and sin. People who seek counseling, often see the counselor’s transparency as relatable and view a counselor lacking transparency either as having no problems like them or as self-righteous. Our goals is for the client to use their new relationship with God to address, learn, and change how they are interacting with others and dealing with life issues one at a t time. This is the process of transformation into Christ’s likeness and maturity occurs when they work through their understanding and application of new knowledge now that they are under the authority of God. When you hear their examples of applying Agape love, process of patience or trusting God, be sure to smile, affirm and support their subtle or obvious changes they are making.
Fully answer the following question from the content you just read and submit your answer to find your score and Dr. Dan's answer to the question.
In the case study of the active man and active woman, explain how their low Trust and Pride scores on the Analysis Questionnaire helped the counselor understand the root of their conflict, and describe why the treatment approach differed for each spouse.
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
Both spouses scored very low on Trust, which was a key reason they fought so much. When a person cannot trust God to handle a conflict, they feel forced to control everything themselves.
The wife's low scores reflected a lack of knowledge and a nominal relationship with God rather than willful rebellion. As she learned the process of patience and grew in her relationship with God, her behavior improved relatively quickly because there was no underlying defiance to work through.
The husband's score on Pride (8) revealed genuine, willful rebellion against God's authority -- not merely ignorance. The treatment focused on a structured separation to let him experience the natural consequences of being "in charge" of his own life until he grew tired of it. He eventually became willing to return, listen respectfully, and do the deeper work of submitting to God's authority.
Physical Abuse
The next potential problem is physical abuse. Some of the symptoms include violence towards one person, or both towards each other. You may have visual clues like black eyes, claw marks, and bruises on the arms and face. They can also be having loud or angry discussions, shouting, threatening gestures, usually done in private. People will swing an object, slam fists, throw things, not at the person, but close to them. One client slammed a poker onto the cushions inches from where his wife sat on the couch. Another client threw softballs through a hollow-core door with his wife and kids on the other side of the door. They were not close to the door where they could be hit, but he did it to scare them. They can also be cursing each other profusely with terrible, ugly words or shaking their fists. Often, they can have extreme emotion, almost catatonic, super depressed or extremely agitated when they come in to your office. Don't be surprised if people pound on your desk, loudly curse at you, throw things. I've seen people throw the results of their questionnaires across the room. Instead of direct violence at each other, they direct it to objects. One client splintered a closet door, by pounding it with his fists. Frequently, clients with violence issues break objects, throw things all over like pots, pans, dishes, books, plants, tables, and chairs. Another form of violence is reckless driving, alone or with others in the car. There can also be excessive use of alcohol or drugs resulting in rage, combative and argumentative. Everybody holds their breath to find out drunk the person is when they come in. There can be sexual abuse of the spouse or children, which we will talk about later.
Another issue is the kids are out of control; either withdrawn and depressed or rebellious and exhibit out of control behaviors. The violent individual can have a poor work record, because they carry the anger to their job, walk off the job or get fired. It's always the boss's fault or everyone else has a problem. Also, you may get relatives who call you out of concern for the family, while others are nosy, busy bodies and controlling. In these cases, assess their willingness and readiness to change. If you are unfamiliar with the stages of change, do some research that will help you understand their readiness to change and meet them where they are at.
Sometimes you will need to talk to family members to learn what they have observed. In extreme cases, be sure a physically abusive spouse and family members are safe. Refer the spouse and family to local or county courthouse Victim’s Assistance” office to get resources and advice on being safe and protected. In violent situations either in your office’s parking lot or office building, do not hesitate to call 911 for immediate intervention, rather than trying to step in and control it on your own. We will talk more about this topic in Chapter 7.
When one or both spouses are abusive towards each other, it is also common for them to have sexual dysfunction, because the violence makes it unsafe for the woman to be vulnerable, so she has little to no desire. The man's desire may be perverted or distorted, looking for security through the sexual act. Do not be timid, anxious or reluctant to help these couples. Step in to the counseling session by faith, through grace, as God has called you. Yet do not be unwise, be discerning to know when to seek assistance, professional consultations, referrals to their doctor or psychiatrist, even inpatient hospitalization. Most abusive partners are hurting, broken and have inroads where God’s Spirit penetrates to bring him/her to their knees in surrender.
Potentially, these clients have a poor or non-existent relationships to God, not in Christian fellowship or attending church. They have never read the Scripture, or prayed together or separately. There may even be adultery involved, either known or unknown. One client in the initial session told his wife that he'd had three affairs in five years, and each lasted six months or more. She had no idea that he was involved in anything like that. Or it may be very blatant, or part of how the person justifies adultery.
Treatment starts again with evaluation of personality type and the concepts of Agape love through the questionnaire scores. Uncovering the reasons why the person is abusive can be found in the distortions of God's true love, and misunderstanding personality type. An active person will display a quicker response, potentially emotional and be misunderstood, because of their quick speed from perception to reaction. They will often have different types of body language and gestures. You explain their tendencies. A passive person is less likely to be a physical abuser, because their abuse won't be direct and obvious. Instead, they abuse through language, nagging or sarcasm to get the other person upset and out of control. Working with the client will help you find the root reason for their violence. The second step of treatment is to teach them the Biblical confrontation or the patience process. Once they learn the steps, they have an alternative reaction to their violence. Instead of trying to solve life issues through violence, they choose to be angry, aggressive, throw things, they have to follow the steps of the process. The client who threw the balls at the door, had to learn to trust God, and to just walk away from a potentially violent situation.
For example, this couple (8A & 8B) finally got this understood. They were in a parking lot in a snowstorm outside of Sears, and called me late at night because they had had a conflict, and he had started getting aggressive. Instead, he stopped the car, and went for a walk. She walked to one end of the lot, and he to the other. They each worked through the steps of God's patience, settled down, and came back and communicated what they each were perceiving. Her tendency was to drive him crazy by not talking. His mind would go off in tangents, and he would become angrier. They were so thrilled with how the Lord had met them in a snowstorm in a parking lot late at night out front of Sears, that they called me. The first thing they said was, “It works. This really works!” If they learn the proper form of confrontation, they can give up the need for physical abuse.
Fully answer the following question from the content you just read and submit your answer to find your score and Dr. Dan's answer to the question.
Write a brief summary of why you believe that the process of patience is critical to establishing good communication, both spiritually and humanly within the marriage.
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
The main obstacle to closeness is selfishness. Patience forces both parties to submit their opinions to God. When this is done, God will expose anything that is destructive or selfish. He will then enable the person to give up those types of things and to do what is best for the other person. If both do this, neither can lose or feel hurt.
When a Spouse Chooses to Accept Emotional or Mental Abuse
In some abuse cases, you will need to confront the abused spouse’s willingness to accept mental or emotional abuse.. In one case, I had initial information that the woman was abused, with physical evidence of bruises and cuts, scars from old cuts showing that this had been going on for a long time. When I first met the man, he was excited to get help knowing they were Christians and love Jesus. When he realized that he'd have to change, that we might even set up a separation, he became extremely skeptical, doubtful. He told me I was not Biblical and I didn't know what I was doing. When I talked to her about finding a job, going to a shelter, confronting this, and getting it fixed, she immediately began to make excuses for him and to talk about how maybe he wasn't so bad. She claimed it was all right, and she was being a little hard on him. He had some problems, and I needed to give him a break. Within a short time, she quit counseling. He acted like it was a game. I found out later; I was just one of dozens of people they talked to over the years. Each time accountability was set up, they both quit. I had to confront them about the potential that each in his or her own way, were in sin and rebellion against God's desires for their relationship and their lives.
Copyright 1987, 1990, 1993 by Daniel D. Wilkinson. All rights reserved. For more information concerning this material, write to:
The Biblical Christian Counseling Ministries, Inc., 2730 Radcliffe Dr., Florissant, MO 63031.
Any reproduction of this material without the express written consent of the author is prohibited. Printed in the U.S.A..
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