Cognitive Biblical
Therapy Coursework
Counseling Through God’s
Transformative Word
Course 4, Chapter 1
Course Four: Introduction and Types of Personalities in Relationships
Section 1 - Issues in Relationships.
Chapter 1 Personality Types and Relationships
a. Active Personality
b. Active and Active Personalities
c. Active Sincere and Active Sincere
c. Passive and Passive
e. Active Sincere and Passive
As you begin Course 4, Chapter 1
Important Note: Answering the section questions (red buttons) is a great way to prepare for the end of the Chapter Quiz. Summarize the course content in your own words for each answer. The section questions will provide Dr. Wilkinson’s feedback to your answers.
Quiz Requirement: At the end of the Chapter, a score of 75% is necessary on the Chapter Quiz in order to access the next chapter.
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Please note the options you have to read the Required Written Materials as you read the text, sometimes referenced as “Supplemental Materials”.
In the left hand dialogue box, you will find the materials (red tabs) for your convenience. You can view the materials at any time during , search for a specific items and also download it if so desired.
On the left side of each chapter page, you will notice a read tab called “Materials”. When you open the tab while reading, you can have the same materials pop up and move the box(es) around in order to keep reading the coursework text.
Course Four: Introduction and Types of Personalities in Relationships
Chapter 1: Application of CBT to Specific Problems
Introduction and Types of Personalities in Relationships
In Course Four, I explain how to counsel using Cognitive Biblical Therapy (CBT) using 22 different case studies each representing a different type of presenting problems. Studying the analysis and descriptive information of the clients will enable you to use CBT effectively in your own practice. The variety and range of cases will equip you to address the needs of your clients. As listed in the Course 4 Introduction, I am providing both a Course Four Table of Contents and Index for support of understanding how each chapter text, case studies and symptoms/treatment plans work and fit together.
With each case study, supporting materials are provided in the left side tab:
a) Analysis Questionnaire Composite Graphs, a.k.a. Analysis Profile;
b) Score sheets for each client;
c) Text that defines the symptoms and treatment used.
Download, save and print out these forms, only if desired. The study guide questions are included within the written text as a way to review, while providing concise answers in comparison to what you have submitted. Remember do your best to score 75% on the quiz at the end of each chapter, as a part of the certification process for the CBT training program.
As you noticed in the introduction to Course 4, you can open and save the Table of Contents document (if so desired) as you read the text. While reading the text, you will review AQAL scores from a case study file for each topic, that will lead you to further understand their personality traits and type. Comparing the client’s symptoms (in the text) to the Symptoms and Treatment document (in Materials tab), will prepare you to consider a treatment plan with future clients. Just like in your own practice, after you gather the initial session information, along with the ISI and the IDI as a background to understand the presenting problem; you can compare your understanding to the client’s symptoms with the topics in Course 4 that will lead you to a treatment plan.
The course questions will help you understand the material presented in this course and prepare you for the end of the chapter quiz. The symptom and treatment plans for each topic in this course is about 53 pages. Be sure to use all the Required Written Materials documents and chapter supplements, as a means to understand the coursework text. Other materials for working with clients such as directions for a Biblical Separation, Child Discipline, Budgeting and Reporting Abuse are also provided.
The goal of this course is for you, the student, to become more confident with CBT and to have a reference tool for the application of CBT to different types of problems. In order to reach this goal, you will apply the method to different types of presenting problems. At the end of the course, you will be assigned four projects, to analyze initial sessions, score questionnaires, identify the initial type of personalities involved, and define a treatment plan for the case. They will be some basic presenting problems, like first marriage, adultery, separation, adolescence, substance abuse, and parenting. The objectives will focus on skills you need to gain a working knowledge of how to use CBT with different types of presenting problems. You will also do a self-assessment, to see how well you are using the CBT method and process. You will assess your skills in scoring questionnaires, interpreting results, understanding personality types, applying the method, and developing a treatment plan. When you finish, you should be able to do all these things Along with your skills, you should have a sense of confidence in understanding clients’ needs and using CBT to address presenting problems.
Using some hypothetical cases, I will show you how to analyze each and develop a treatment plan. On the Course Four description page under assignments, the projects are listed: 1) score eight questionnaires, 2) identify the personality type of each, 3) identify the areas of least, some and most spiritual difficulty that exist within each one, and 4) develop a treatment plan that is appropriate for each one. If you are actively counseling and working on a case, you then need to send your scoring and assessment to your instructor before presenting it to the client. If not actively using them with a client, you can submit these things as you do them, or you can submit the whole course at once.
The next part of Course Four deals with what sometimes I call “Library of Cases” using the Table of Contents, which will be where you find a specific topic of the presenting problem and the case study associated with it.
The first section of the Table of Contents deals with the combinations of personality types within couples:
1) the active and passive couple;
2) the active and active couple;
3) both are active sincere couple;
4) both are passive couple; and
5) the active-sincere and passive couple.
There will be case studies for each one of those. I will explain how the mixture of personalities impact how each person will respond to life situations.
Section 2 of the Table of Contents lists the categories of types of situations within relationships: adolescence, codependency in a first marriage, parenting, premarital counseling, second plus marriage and spiritual issues.
Section 3 includes information about homosexual and lesbian relationships.
Section 4 deals with issues rising from abuse: emotional, mental, physical, sexual or substance abuse.
And Section 5 includes general counseling issues including: abortion, aids, effects of being in a cult, employment and unemployment situations, financial and budgeting situations, grieving the loss of a loved one, dealing with illness, living together in a heterosexual or homosexual lesbian relationship, phobias, pornography, prostitution and slavery.
Active and Passive Personalities
Question 1. After you finish looking through your table of contents, we move on to the discussion about the types of personalities that exist within relationships. You will need the first case study material (see Materials popup window): 1) a score sheet, 2) Case Study 1, the first page of the composites graph that has passive for the man and active for the woman written on the score sheet. This case is for an active passive personalities combination. I will describe each of these scoresheets and graphs from a case from another state from my practice many years ago. The woman had an active personality which means was a problem solver and could be a Bone Crusher. She could be a nag she and very demanding. The man was passive and could wimpy, withdrawn, insecure, and emotional.
Looking at the woman's composite graph, you will notice her highest scores identify her strong points; areas where she has the least amount of trouble. She is not envious, boastful, or selfish. She doesn't tend to keep records of wrong, have trouble with protection. In other words, what she means to be sincere. What she does have trouble with is typical of an active personality type. She tends to be impatient and unkind, showing that she doesn't have good way to deal with life issues. She uses her own perception (self-reliance) to respond rather than do what is spiritually helpful. She doesn’t know how to be patient, so she can be unkind. She lives by her own emotions, perceptions and assumptions. She doesn't know how to confront because of those tendencies, which are typical for an active personality. She can appear to be very prideful, rebellious, and rude. Because she goes from perception to reaction, she also can appear to be easily angered and lacks hope that anything will ever get better. She perceives that everything is awful and hopeless: life is terrible. And lastly, she can feel like a failure. In other words, her pattern of going from perception to reaction has caused her to appear to be bullish, harsh and insensitive. Therefore, she feels frustrated and feels like failure; nobody understands her. In some ways people don’t understand her, because of these behavioral patterns.
On the man’s composite graph, we see his strong points are envy and pride. Usually, a passive person has an excessively low score on Pride which shows a willful attempt to manipulate by being a victim. This particular man had a call to be a pastor, and didn't evidence of manipulation or rebellion at all. He also didn't have many of the typical traits of a passive person like: soft voice, withdrawn, hates conflict, legalistic, with harsh parents growing up. He didn't have evidence of spiritual passivity, but he did respond to her strong authority by withdrawing and suppressing his emotions. His scores and characteristics support that he didn’t react this way willfully, but is a learned behavior with a passive personality. This example helps to differentiate true passivity from the appearance of it. People either willfully (with intent) sin, or they present the appearance of sin (without intent), because they don't understand how their actions appear to be. Using the questionnaire score, you learn which by the score on pride. A low score shows willful sin or rebelliousness. A high score on pride shows a lack of knowledge. The appearances of passivity or pridefulness, is what triggered his wife. Being an active personality, if she sees it, she'll say it. She would let him know what he was doing that bugged her. And as she triggers him, he'll pull back, and look even more like a silent manipulator.
Back looking at his scores, we see low scores on rude and protects. He has a strong sense of hope which comes from Christ, and he knows that God will never fail him. Some places where he has trouble are: kindness, appearing to be selfish, and keep records of wrong. This shows that he tends to be negative, or tries to do things on his own strength. To his wife, his behaviors show willful attempts to manipulate. The most difficult thing for him is impatience. One of their problems is that they don't know a good way to solve problems. The pattern they use is: she pushes, he withdraws. They have not learned out to work with each other’s differences in communication. His silence can be perceived as boastfulness and makes him appear to be phony. Because he is unaware of this, it will shock and surprise him. Also, he tends to be easily angered, and his score on trust is low. This is a confusing contrast to have a person with a strong sense of hope, and such a low score on trust. Hope is a favorable and confident expectation in the unknown and the unseen, and to have an anchor in the storms of life who is Christ. The low score on trust is because there's a difference between what we know and what we do. He has head knowledge about God's character, but not applied, practical knowledge. He knows the scripture in John 14 about the Holy Spirit being sent to be with us, but he doesn’t know how to work with the Holy Spirit in the realities of life. That is an unknown reality to him. Your job with a passive person is to get him to learn the process of patience, calling on the grace of God, and replacing some of his wrong of God. Those lower scores show how he views God whenever he is in a difficult place. He thinks he has an impatient, boastful and easily angered God who he can't trust. She a God who is always negative and she can't trust either. These two are triggering each other. The active pushes in anxious, reactive ways, the passive withdraws being fearful of conflict.
Fully answer the following question from the content you just read and submit your answer to find your score and Dr. Dan's answer to the question.
What kind of potential difficulties do you expect to see in the active/passive relationship?
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
One person is dominant and the other submissive. This can lead to a feeling of hopelessness in that the other person seems so powerful while the dominant one can feel frustrated because the other won't talk and he or she cannot read the person's mind. Can be arguing, violent, or sneaking around, in adultery, hiding things or manipulative.
Active and Active Personalities
Question 2. The second type of personalities within a relationship, are both active. Find the second case study, and again, put those out in front of you. I specifically want you to look the results of the questionnaire. One page will be labeled Active Man, and the other labeled Active Woman. Both people have the symptoms. At one time I called this type “aggressive” but changed it to “Active” to avoid a negative connotation. The Composite Score is on the graph and a zero indicates that the scores are okay or the person is not having difficulty there, a one indicates they have some trouble and a two indicates the most troubled areas. Even though someone may have high scores all the way across, they are not having the same level of difficulty that someone else is, whose scores maybe range from 18 to 12 or eight. Rather than the looking at just the individual scores first, you must look at the scores in relation to all the other scores. Instead, you find all of the high scores, then mid-range, and then low. Secondly, you look at individual, actual score. Looking at the actual score will identify the elements of Agape love that are OK, others that are difficult and others which cause problems.
These scores come from an actual case, where the presenting problem was that the woman believed her husband had been unfaithful to her, which is obviously inappropriate. Looking at the woman’s scores, you see an extreme range of scores: highest score is 20, lowest score is five. Her scores of 20 on envy and hopes and 19 on hopes are all good. She has a five on trusts and seven on kindness. Her characteristics were extremely bitter, sharp-tongued, very critical, quick to judge, nagging, sarcastic, and caustic. His characteristics were arrogant and cocky, offensive, self-righteous. After I saw him twice, he said that he didn't need to see me and wouldn't come back. And actually, didn't come back for two years. He would call at times, he would tell me, “Oh, I need the Lord,” or “I need to face my problems.” He stayed with his girlfriend for those two years.
I worked with the wife on her problems and helped her see that the solution of divorce, which was her original intent, was not the instant fix she was looking for. She needed to learn things about herself and get to know God better, so that her security came from Him. Her high scores were on: envy (C), hopes (N) and perseveres (O). In other words, she knew her strength came from God and she had a sense of confidence in God’s ability to help her. But she had not learned how to lean on God for the strength she needed in the everyday things or dealing with her husband. Her concept of God was weak like Jell-o; yes, there's a God and He's there but not involved in my life.
Her more troubled areas are: patience (A), boast (D), rude (F), keeps a record of wrong (I), protects (L) and never fails (P). When an active personality type woman is faced with these difficulties and conflict, her tendency will be impatience. In other words, she's not going to stop or think or pray. She's going to see a problem, get in his face and say, “Listen, you need to do what I say.” Here is the problem and where boastful comes in. She gives an impression that she's rude. She knows what she doing, and doesn't care. Being selfish is plotting against his or her own life to be destructive, not be quiet, not stop. This behavior also remembers and brings up the wrongs done to her over and over in an attempt to justify having these behaviors; saying, I have a right. You mistreat me. You don't do what you should. That makes her appear to not be protective, since she is using his records of wrong for her protection. And also, she will have an underlying sense of failure. Her lowest scores are: kind (B), pride (E), not easily angered (H), delight in evil (J-K), and trust (M).
Remember from earlier descriptions about a woman's greatest need is for spiritual security. If she doesn't have that, she will attempt to get the other person to provide it. If that need goes unmet, the woman will develop a bitter spirit. Because of that deep frustration of that need not being met, she will demand it form the wrong places. This makes the husband someone she needs to control, treats like another child, and shows disrespect toward. She had most trouble with being unkind, proud, and easily angered. Her response moves quickly from perception to reaction, which provokes others. She didn't trust God himself to help her. This lack of trust and her impatience was her biggest problem. They hadn't started their marriage based upon a security that came from God. They looked to each other to provide it.
On his side and being active, his case was a little bit different. He was the pampered child of the family, but he had gone through a lot of change. If you'll notice, his scores range from 18 on keeps no record of wrong down to eight on trusts. You may remember that the passive-active personality type is one in which the scores are normally very close together, maybe a spread of 8 - 10 points. You can see in the first part of his scores, from patience (A) over to selfish (G), that narrow scoring pattern. But the traditional pattern with active clients is as they grow older and get more exposed to life, or even become Christians, those scores spread apart. Looking at the scores for keeps no record (I) and trust (M), you see the range of scores is wider. He is changing as he ages, but his troubles remain because he didn’t follow through with submission to God. He didn’t pray about this attitude, but thought, “I got a right to be happy! Who do you think you are? I'm not going to take this junk.” He appeared very arrogant when I met him. Because he was so incensed and determined to live a life according to his standards, that was my overall impression. He seemed out of control.
When I showed him these results, he did not believe them and continued to blame his “mouthy, manipulative, arrogant wife.” He admitted to having some troubles, “but you wouldn't believe the way she treats me.” He was absolutely right about her treatment of him. She was equally out of control. Neither understood that a relationship between two active people will be in an intense power struggle. It's like one of them walks in as a raging bonfire, and the other one walks in like high test airplane fuel. His pattern of throwing flames on her, turns her into a raging inferno. He wonders why she's also upset. Her pattern of rage causes him to throw even more fire her way. They can't figure out why their whole problem keeps getting worse. His highest scores are where he has the least trouble are: boast (D), pride (E), self-seeking (G), keeps a record of wrong (I), and protects (L). He has some difficulty problem solving. His lowest scores and where he has the most trouble are: kind (B), not easily angered (H), and trusts (M), perseveres (O) and never fails (P). Being negative is some of his problem, like his wife. But when it comes to hopes, you can see a difference in their scores. While she has a high score on hope (19), he has a significantly lower score (13). This difference is in their difference in faith. Her sense of hope is based on her anchor who is Christ, in the midst of the storms of life. He didn't have that anchor. She had more confidence that God would help them. He has some difficulty with: patience (A), kindness (B), rude (F), delight in evil (J-K), and hopes (N).
Another difference can be found in their scores on kindness (B) which means spiritually useful. She scored 7 while he scored 12, which means that he has tried harder and longer even when she didn't respond. She had high expectations for him and, he fell short all the time. He never measured up to her father, to give her the support she needed. So, he tried with her and gave up. She didn't ever try, and was caustic from the beginning. He tends to struggle with being easily angered (G) or he provokes. He scored 11 while she scored 8. So that shows you what they do to each other. They provoke each other. The gasoline bonfire all the time through: looks, phrases, jump to conclusions, body language, emotional blackmail, use sex as a tool, and cut each other down in public. On trust he scored 8 and she scored 5. So, when they are in a conflict, they don't trust God at all. They don't even know him from a doorknob. They trust themselves, and then that falls apart, so they get into more despair and fear. Perseveres also shows a big difference: he scored 9 while she scored 18. She is trying to draw off her relationship to God, but she doesn't have process (patience and kindness) to address difficulties as they arise. Instead, she goes from perception to reaction but is blind to her pattern of reaction. Their most difficult scores are in patience, rudeness, pride, easily angered and trust. It's very typical in her case, though, she's trying to persevere which means she's trying to stop and think and pray.
After being apart for two years, they were able to reconcile. When you speak with her, her whole perspective has shifted. Instead of he does this, and he does that, she stopped and prayed. God answered her and showed her what she was doing. She asked for forgiveness from God, shared her perspective with him saying she could be wrong. She admitted it was difficult to wait on God, but I was able to through God’s help. There's been a major shift in her perspective now seeing what Jesus would do in a practical way by listening to him, looking at the word, and getting answers. The love never fails was difficult for him, because he felt like he always failed. He was no good, couldn't win, and that God wasn't there.
In this case, you have two active people enter counseling because they were in a power struggle, retaliating, not seeking peace and unable to break the gridlock in their relationship. He really was an active person confused to the point of being somewhat passive. In a marriage, you often need to help them separate. It's very common to have another person involved through adultery. They don't have a method for gaining perspective. Instead, they go from perception to reaction in a blink. The biggest thing that they need to do is to stop, step back, get a process. Most likely, they' will be arrogant towards you, combative, and self-righteous. And you may have to be very blunt and specific by explaining their tendencies and asking them to submit to your authority. If they won't do that, then they shouldn't counsel. Unless you're up front and straight to the point with this type of person, you will probably lose them to the counseling process.
Fully answer the following question from the content you just read and submit your answer to find your score and Dr. Dan's answer to the question.
What kind of potential difficulties do you expect to see in the active/active relationship?
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
Big time power struggles can be going on with neither person willing to back off or face the real issue of personal accountability. They can be engaged in fist fights, mutually violent actions, manipulative behavior, lying or avoiding reality.
Active-Sincere and Active-Sincere Personalities
Question 3. Our next case (Case Study 3) involves a couple who are both Active-Sincere personalities. Your will need the materials for Case Three. If you remember from the active-sincere personality description, this is a person that has a set of extremely high scores. If you look at the active-sincere woman composite graph, you'll see a 25 on envy and 13 on not easily angered. These scores are a bit atypical, but in general, this extreme range is important to remember. The second important thing is that these personality types are genuine; they want to do what's right. The third important thing to remember is that these types are extremely frustrated, because they're trying to do what's right, and failing. The feedback they get from people is most often that they are confusing people with their behavior. They don’t exhibit Christian love or actions that show the characteristics of Christ. This is different than the pure active personality with very close scores, but they do share a lot of the same tendencies. For example, being patient is the most difficult thing for the woman which means there's a lack of process or method in problem solving. She can also appear rude, easily angered, having trouble with trust and feeling like a failure. This combination of scores are the classic patterns that you see in active or active- sincere personality types. And the only difference in the scores for the active-sincere is that they are farther apart; a wider spread. So instead of being basically a pusher, a Bone Crusher, or a bulldozer, they appear to be somewhat weak, emotional, wimpy, two faced, hypocritical, and thus confusing.
If you look at the man’s composite graph, he has trouble with being patient, appears boastful and negative, with low scores on trusts, perseveres, and never fail; so, he feels like a failure, too. An unusual pattern for this personality type are his scores for rude (F), self-seeking (G), and not easily angered (H) are all the same lower score. In a relationship, this person is trying hard to please God, but they don’t know how. Because they don’t know God as He is, they flounder in their faith. You may hear them say, “I'm no good. I'm not really a good Christian. If I was a good Christian, I wouldn’t have such a troubled marriage.” Even though the woman is not envious or keeps a record of wrong, at times, she's hard to trust. That is because she will seem rude (F), and yet there is no evidence of pride (E) in her life. This set of characteristics will send double messages that are hard to understand and confuse people. Back to the man’s results, we see a very high score on hope (N) and very low scores on trust (M), perseveres (O) and never fails (P). So how can you be dependent upon God's strength, yet believe everything's awful, God's not going to help, so I'll just quit? It's never going to get any better. This type of person will get into power struggles like the active person, but will give in when it really gets tough. This is because he is so hard, and gets emotional when situations are not good. This person complicates his live by also tending to be impatient (A), boastful (D), proud (E), rude (F), not easily angered (H) and lack trust (M). It's very common to see them wring their hands and think they are not praying enough, or knowing what to do.
The reason I'm giving you these actual case studies is because you could have an active- sincere person who has marital problems, and any combination of other issues such as abortion, depression, or parenting problems. Knowing how each personality type responds will help you evaluate their presenting problems, and how to use the CBT method to treat them effectively. Each personality type will process the spiritual information you give them a bit differently. For example, an active person will not respond the same way that a passive person. The active person will just speak out that you are wrong; while the passive person maybe quiet and suppresses their thought that you are crazy. It's the same spiritual issue of rudeness, but it's different in their responses. When you explain the different ways to express rudeness, they will begin to understand their differences and know how to think about the way it was demonstrated. Once you have to have these personality types etched in your brains, you should be able to look at the composite graph once it is completed, and pick up this information.
Fully answer the following question from the content you just read and submit your answer to find your score and Dr. Dan's answer to the question.
What kind of potential difficulties do you expect to see in the active-sincere/active-sincere relationship?
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
An extreme amount of frustration due to an intense effort to make the situation better but very little ability to accomplish the task. Can be in doubt of their faith, God's caring or even the basic truth of the principles of Scripture. Can also be enduring a relationship but not really committed to it -- sort of a pathetic, silent martyrdom.
Passive and Passive Personality Types
Question 4. Our next personality type case is a where both people are passive. Open the materials for Case Study 4 in the Materials tab. This particular case involved some interesting and unique circumstances. The wife had had an affair when she was 16 and resumed the affair 15 years later. Her husband was a laid-back person who promised to change, but never would even when pressed by his wife. She was very disappointed which led to an ongoing battle. He felt that she didn’t love him and she had extremely high expectations for him to meet. She would get sarcastic, pushy and manipulative, while he wouldn't deal with it or talk to her about it. Often, she wasn't willing to listen which suited his not wanting to talk. You remember from our initial discussion that a passive person gives the appearance of avoiding problems, usually behind a role or a mask of victim. Typically, they complained a lot about how badly they were treating by someone else (boss, child, or spouse). They acted like always being hurt, emotional, and withdrawn. Remember that passive people are actually the most manipulative, vicious, destructive kind of people out of the four types of personalities. While the active appear to be a bully, they're actually not the most destructive. The active-sincere is genuine, but erratic. And the passive-passive person is the fence sitter. But the passive person will not show those tendencies, but will consistently be withdrawn, yet manipulative. But in this case the passive man gave every sign of being the bad guy. She'd complain; he wouldn't listen. He'd spend money unwisely and wouldn't listen. When they had problems, he wouldn't talk. When you first meet a couple, it is very common to see the one presenting himself as the victim and the other as the aggressor. Never make an immediate decision. Always be objective. Gather information over time. Pray specifically for the Holy Spirit’s discernment and wisdom. Set up accountability. Have them do homework. Have them discuss how these things work, patience and kindness. Have them do role plays in your office. Always bring them back to have you been thinking and praying? How is the process of patience working?
Pride is the key to understanding the passive person. Think back to how we define pride, enmity against the authority of God over my life, my will. A passive person will play games, wear a mask and manipulate others. They'll justify their actions and play the victim. They have enmity against God's authority so they won't trust him, or pray because God won’t help them. Instead of depending on God’s strength, they depend on their own. Their constant struggle makes them feel like a failure. The scores on the composite graph will show a passive pattern. Pride (E) will be one of the lower scores along with trust (M) and they lack hope for the future. The worst score is not being easily angered (H). The last five scores are areas of difficulty: protects (L), trusts (M), hopes (N), perseveres (O) and never fails (P).
The wife continued the affair while she counseled. She was stuck on how she didn't love her husband, but loved this other guy. She had been with him just a few days before our session. I asked her to look at what love is. When he left home, and he had to lie to his wife about where he was going. He had to leave his young children and also lie to them. I asked her if that was being rude, and she agreed. - Rather than returning home after bowling, he meets you at a motel where you had sex. I said, during the time you are together he tells you that he loves you. So, this rude person telling you that He loves you, goes home at 10 o'clock at night. His wife says she missed him, and he says, “Well, I love you too.” In her emotional need she wants to have sex with him. And he does. Now love is supposed to be trustworthy and not easily angered. Knowing what he did, how do you feel about him now? What do your feelings tell you right now about your love? Because the potential is that he has been rude, provoked false security in his wife just after he committed adultery. His trustworthiness is questionable. I asked her again what she felt and is that love. Does he love you? A passive person who is prideful will look me right in the eye, like she did, and say, “I don't believe what you're saying is true, and even if it is, I don't care.” And they'll go on in their pride. They'll keep blaming the other person. She will continue to be impatient, not think, or ask Jesus if what I said is true. She will justify being proud, continue to provoke him, be easily angered, and not look to God for protection and strength. Instead, she will continue to blame her trouble on her husband.
Looking at the scores of the passive man, we see his lowest scores are patience (A), not easily angered (H), keeps a record of wrong (J-K), and never fails (P). The low score on patience (10) shows how he deals with conflict. Even though the passive person has pretty much the same scores that an active person does, but the difference is how they deal with it. Along with being impatient, often they are proud (E), rude (F), self-seeking (G), or easily angered (H). The other scores for protects (L), trusts (M), and hopes (N) are areas of difficulty, so he feels like a failure. In her pridefulness and passivity, she would moan and groan about how awful he was. When she needed to help him, she would instead focus on his weaknesses and make him worse. Her sarcasm, pride, being easily angered, not being trustworthy, and her impatience always was a subtle manipulation rather than a direct frontal assault. She would sigh deeply, roll her eyes, throw her head back or stomp her feet. She'd say, “This is awful. I just can't do this!” Most often he would withdraw, but occasionally blow up. He had his own distinct set actions in conflict.
The difference here is clear in the actual scores. Her behavior was willful, while his was more of a learned behavior. He would also play the victim role. Remember anytime you have what appears to be a victim, there's an equal chance that they're not the victim at all. They're the perpetrator. They're the problem. After working periodically over the next year and a half, she finally had a breakthrough. She left the affair, and she asked me what to do. I recommended that she tell her husband. In the next counseling session, she confessed the affair. Since the man had changed quite a bit, he forgave her. They radically altered their conversation and coping patterns. She started talking to God and to her husband, instead of all these divisive things, like stamping her foot, rolling her eyes, withholding sex, and complaining to everybody about him. Those behaviors stopped, because she submitted her will to God. She learned how to get her strength from God through prayer to not do them. In her communication with her husband, she gave him good, solid, and consistent information, which allowed him to process it better. His ability to be patient increased which provoked his sense of hope. Instead of being negative and delighting in evil, he developed a sense of confidence and trust in God and in her.
These two stayed married and have been able to form a beautiful new relationship. But their personality as passive tends to not deal with the problem and instead use a lot of emotions to manipulate the other person. This willing decision is rebellion against God, and as a counselor, you must confront the pride. Once you teach them the process of patience, you have to practice with them on how to do that, until you see that happen in their relationship. Don't be surprised if it takes a long time. This is the kind of person may call you names, pound your desk, and ultimately walks out. If you are working through a separation with a passive person, look for the person to complain to the other spouse about your ability to counsel them: “He’s no good. I'm not getting anything out of this. I don't like him. He’s not competent, trained well, or biblical.” That's a big one. Those are the things that will happen as you get closer to accountability, and exposing pride. By preparing the other spouse for this potential, her or she will deal with it better when it actually happens. Most often the passive person will not be open in their power struggles, but remain hidden. When manipulation attempts fail, they may get up, walk out, yell, do a lot of things, but openly the passive person is not going to appear to be the problem.
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What kind of potential difficulties do you expect to see in the passive/passive relationship?
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
An unwillingness to deal with a problem, a mutual sense of being a victim or a sense of hopelessness. Both will avoid confrontation like the plague and label it as inappropriate.
Active-Sincere and Passive Personality Types
Question 5. Now the last case study is where one person is active-sincere, and the other person is passive. Open the fifth case study materials and look at the score sheets and the plotted graph scores. And we'll begin a discussion of the passive versus passive person in a relationship. In the last personality combination, the man was a passive individual in this situation. We discussed some of the tendencies, and you can see his score on Pride was fairly low in the mid-range. He also had the other scores that are characteristic of being impatient (15), easily angered, provoked (16), trust (12), and fails (9). The active-sincere woman in this case has scores are fairly spread apart: boast (19) and trust (6). The widespread scores could be impatience, but she didn't seem to be boastful. She could be rude, but didn't want to provoke others; could appear to be not trustworthy, yet kind. She didn't want to bring up the past as in keeps a record of wrong. In this type of situation, you will find that the passive person acts withdrawn, but underneath is very prideful. This active-sincere person came in very discouraged, because every effort she made was ineffective and seemed insincere, even though not. She will either respond with being very wounded, or turn it into some other type of distortion such as, “I don't understand you.” Because they're not working with the process of patience in Christ, they don't know how to confront in the passive person who will appear to be mistreated.
Next, we review the scores of the passive person, the man. His lowest scores are: patience (15), pride (14), and easily angered (16). The other low scores show a distorted concept of God: trusts (12), hopes (13), perseveres (14), and never fails (9). These scores show a person who feels like a failure. When the active-sincere person is nervous, pushy or frightened, the passive person will feel attacked and threatened, and respond using his own protective, coping strategies, and potentially justify his own manipulation. The active-sincere person (woman) has the lowest scores on patience (9), rude (11), easily angered (8), trusts (6), and never fails (8). You can see that she’s erratic, and also has no productive way to deal with lie issues. She wants to be patient, but doesn't know how. She doesn’t appear to be boastful, but can appear rude. Also, she doesn’t appear to be self-seeking (18). Her low scores on trust and never fails show a negative attitude.
These two people will fuel each other. The active-sincere will appear to be genuine to you. The passive person will appear to be the victim. The active-sincere person may be all full of false guilt. Both will shrink back when you first start to talk about confrontation, accountability or even separation. Each is thinking that he or she caused all the problems. Your first task will be working with the passive person, seeing the need to relinquish pride, stop playing these mind games. The Active-sincere person needs a better method for addressing life issues correctly through the steps of patience, which gives the other person choice, hope and reduces her false guilt. In this relationship combination, they won't have power struggles. relationship. Instead, the active-sincere person is working very hard to make things right. The passive person will maintain his image of a victim, and nothing changes.
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What kind of potential difficulties do you expect to see in the active-sincere/passive relationship?
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
You will tend to see one client (active-sincere) bending over backwards to please the passive client. The passive client will be very potentially manipulative and never give the other any concrete information, face his or her own problems or change. If both are simply ignorant of what to do, they will both move towards facing reality and handle things through patience.
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CBT Course Four
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