Chapter 16

Physical and Sexual Abuse in Marriage

What’s Physical Abuse Look Like

Case Study number 16 is one of physical abuse which you will find outlined in the Symptoms and Treatment Text.  The man in this case is Active-sincere, and the woman is also Active-sincere personality. The first symptom of dysfunction states that there can be violence towards one person or both towards each other. I have had cases where one person came in with bruises, both came in with black eyes. Sometimes, the man was physically abusing the woman, or the woman was physically abusing the man. In one case, a woman chased her husband through the house, corner him curled up in the fetal position, and she would walk around the love seat, and hit him on the legs, head, and arms, go to his side and hit him on the hips and shoulders, go to his back and beat him on the head and the back, and then go to the other side and hit him on that hip and arms. She repeated the cycle until she wore out. That is rare, obviously, but never limit yourself to thinking that physical abuse is always a man beating a woman. It can go either way, and never limit your concept of this to one person as the victim. One couple came into the session, and each had a black eye. One had been beaten with a fist, and the other with a frying pan. Physical abuse usually is accompanied with loud and angry discussions, shouting, threatening gestures, throwing things close to the person, extreme emotions like yelling and crying, and almost always with hopelessness. Punching holes in walls seems to be a favorite, until the person hits a two by four stud and breaks a knuckle or finger. That tends to curb some of the wall punching.

Physical abuse behaviors usually are only done in private, picking a place safe from observers and done very methodically. Some physical abuse is about intimidation, just as much as it's an outburst of emotion. Along with physical abuse is usually sexual abuse, and excessive uses of any type chemical such as nicotine, alcohol, barbiturates, amphetamines, or other chemical. Anyone in this situation will have negative effects on themselves and any children living there. The children will show symptoms of depression, anger, and being withdrawn. They will have trouble in school with low grade work, acting out behavior or non-participatory in class.  

The abuser usually has problems controlling his or her emotions and acts angry most of the time. They will have relationship problems at work, with family and friends. They may not be totally out of control, but have a reputation of having a short fuse and hard to work with. Usually, the relatives have dealt with this for years. The child(ren) may have not been abused, but had this anger trouble which has caused them lots of problems. The parents may have tried to inappropriately intervene, or never tried to help. There almost always is sexual dysfunction involved, especially when the man wants the woman to be sexual and she refuses. She can't be sexual because the physical abuse has shut down any vulnerability, desire for intimacy or sexual drive. There can be no or a poor relationship to God, and no involvement with Christians such as fellowship, Sunday school, church worship, reading the Scripture, prayer, etc. Adultery can also be part of this which is usually hidden. It can be that someone is openly involved, but the abuser is controlling the victim so that they basically don’t mention it. 

The next step, in the Materials text, says in the treatment section, by “evaluating the personality type and the spiritual concepts of love”. In this case, the abuser blocked his wife in rooms, held her arms, slapped her, hit her in the arms with his fists, and it had gone on for many years. It would happen when his frustration got to the point where he could no longer tolerate it, then he would lash out. In some ways he appeared to be a quiet man, passive looking, with a soft voice. He had the ability to get very mad and be very scary, and violent. He would appear to be sorry, ask for forgiveness and then to go back into the same pattern at some point in time. That's a pretty familiar pattern for people to exhibit, men usually.  

Different personality types will abuse differently. The overt, blunt physical abuse usually comes because of power struggles between strong-willed people. In this case both were Active-sincere, and had many power struggles. The Active-sincere can show sincerity, though not confront their spouse very well, or still be combative and demanding. In this case, the wife, being an Active-sincere person,  had developed an edge of bitterness and hostility which she blamed him for, by being passive in the first place. She knew that about him before she married him, but accepted his tendency to blow up as the trait of the family. Saying that “It is just the way we are,” isn't acceptable. He had issues that he brought with him to the marriage from conditioning by his family, his own experiences in the cycle of abuse. They both brought predisposed factors to the relationship. Sometimes, the victim will call the police or just get fed up, throw the abuser out and after a cooling off period, the victim will allow the abuser to return home.  Then the cycle repeats itself, often up to seven times before the victim is ready to say “no more” to the abuser’s pattern of behaviors.  Even though these patterns are confusing, don’t see the abuse as some sort of mystical thing that can’t be figured out. It isn't that at all. It's just another way for each of them to cope, that doesn't conform to what Jesus is like. You can be as abusive in silence, manipulation, body language, tone of voice, innuendo, subtleties, assumptions, accusations or denial, as in being physically abusive.

There are many facets to it, but the main differences are so destructive to the victim’s body: bleeding, multiple broken bones, and the repetitive cycle of going to the emergency room. It also impacts the brain through false ideas that the victim blames him or herself. When the victim connects with the reality of his or her own godly value, a door is open for God’s Spirit to enable their thinking to change. They realize they are righteous, valuable and loved by God. They’ll begin to use the process of patience consistently, with God’s affirmation, they can stay balanced and whole, and not accept the lies and abuse.

His Agape questionnaire scores would indicate that he didn't have much trouble with: C envy (23), D boast (19), F rude (21), L protects (20), and N hopes (19). Remember, he's Active-sincere which means his motives were good, but he was frustrated by not knowing how to communicate, deal with life issues or solve problems. So a lack of practical knowledge and application of love, fits his pattern, having a desire to love her but ill equipped when it came to regulating his emotions, seeking peace with his wife through patience and kindness, to say a few. He was not willful, boastful, nor willfully controlling or manipulative and rude. He has a desire to protect. The lack of knowledge and the frustration that goes with it, causes a person to appear to be controlling and manipulative. But he potentially wanted to do what is right. He did have a sense of hope or belief that God could help, if he could just get in touch with Him. His median scores show: E pride (18), B kind (16), G self-seeking (18), I keep a record (15), and J-K delights in evil (13). He did have a potential appearance of pride and being unkind. This makes sense too, that he didn't know how to do these things. He may have willful pride or ignorance that masked itself as pride. Along with this, then would go being selfish or appearing to be harmful to himself or others. Keeping records of wrong was part of what got him all upset. His mind ran in ruts that said, “I'm being mistreated. I'm not loved. Look what you did,” triggering his past woundedness. That “you always, you never” type thinking. He also had a predisposition towards being negative (J-K) which is part of the rut thinking that doesn't have any good result. He sees the worst or thinks he does. This negative thinking doesn't solve problems correctly, or doesn't have a way to check his perceptions. His biggest challenges were in:  A patience (12), H easily angered (12), M trusts (7), O persevere (12) and P never fails (9). It makes sense that he was impatient with a lack of knowing how to cope, feeling alone, and being easily angered, which means provoked himself and others. His really low score on trust shows his knowledge of God was very shallow. He looked to his wife to provide the family with a spiritual base, which a lot of men do, even though it is inappropriate, and isn't the Biblical plan for his spiritual leadership as a representative of Christ in the home. Eventually, the woman feels abandoned by him, hopeless and frustrated since he is not providing the security she desires. She can't respect him and wants to give up. He also had trouble with perseverance, in that he tried to do it in his own strength. Instead, he wore himself out, and strongly feels that he failed his family. 

The Agape questionnaire scores of his wife show two patterns here. She has high scores A through G, then really low scores H through P. Her high scores specifically are: C envy (24), D boast (19), F rude (22), G self-seeking (18). Her median scores are: A patience (16), B kind (16), I keep a record (14), J-K delight in evil (13), and M trust (12). Her lowest scores are: H easily angered (9), L protects (11), N hopes (11), O persevere (7), and P never fails (10).  Hopefully, you will see that she is both active and passive. She was either abandoned growing up or had extremely strong-willed, rigid, controlling parents. She's a little bit of an oddity here. And also, you know that from protects (L) over to the right to trust, hopes, perseveres and never fails, demonstrates the person's concept of God. Who God is and what God's love is like. She has two things: a distortion about God through the potential passive side of how she was raised, abandoned or controlled. She doesn’t know God, and hasn't developed her sense of self-worth. She holds a false concept of a God who basically isn't there and can't help her. Her highest scores show that she wasn't envious, boastful, rude or selfish. Now, her middle level scores mean that she did have trouble with patience, kindness and pride, and she was negative (J-K) and didn’t trust.