Cognitive Biblical
Therapy Coursework
Counseling Through God’s
Transformative Word
Course 4 Chapter 5
Section 2: Issues in Relationships
Chapter 5: First Marriage Issues (continued)
Many Issues in a first marriage arise out of misunderstandings about sexuality, family, friends and spirituality. Dr. Wilkinson discusses the specifics of these issues and applications with a challenging couple. Sometimes a couple need a Biblical separation to confront abuse, rebellion and broken promises in order to reconcile under God’s blessing and authority.
Essay Questions: Answering the section questions (red buttons) is a great way to prepare for the end of the Chapter Quiz. Chapter 5 questions require you to analyze the case study and apply both present and previous course understanding, while using common sense. The section questions will provide Dr. Wilkinson’s feedback to your answers.
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Chapter 5
First Marriage Issues (continued)
Sexual Issues – Women
We are continuing in the topics involving First Marriage: 1) Sexual Issues, looking at the female perspective; 2)Issues with Relatives and Friends and end with 3)Spiritual Issues. There will not be a “Materials” Tab in this chapter, due to the primary focus being on case histories and symptoms. The Materials tab will be in Chapter 6, where we will discuss the treatment of the First Marriage case studies (8A & 8B).
Now, pertaining to Sexual Issues, related to women (and men). Men don't understand the need for security that a woman has, which will allow her to be free sexually with her husband. Some of you may have heard of James Dobson. One quote that I like is: “A woman considers taking out the garbage, changing the oil, changing a diaper, fixing a screen door, listening to her concerns, and so on as an act of sexual foreplay.” Now that might sound very odd, but it's a good thing to quote to your clients. The woman's sense of being satisfied comes from these different helping actions that show the man truly cares for her. She will have a sense of freedom, trust and security, which are critical factors to her. God created that need within her that enables her to trust, relax, and to think about being sexual with her husband. She may think about him at times. At church the man says, “I'd like to make love to you.” She is not thinking about that at all and has no sexual desire at that instant. But if the man takes time with her and listens to her, giving her his attention and giving her time to think about this idea, she may want to spend time reconnecting to him through his presence, smell and voice. Most people aren't this honest, so you have to help them recognize her need to feel secure and valued.
Often a woman needs time to adjust her brain and emotions to respond to that request. For example, take a little time, because you just got home. Let her acclimate herself to you. Let her unfold her vulnerability like a flower. Accept you into her presence and help her feel safe with you, which grows into trust, love, and security. There are times when women will think of things that create a sense of being safe or taken care of. My wife shared that she likes to think about me riding the Harley Davidson wearing a flannel shirt and leather jacket. A woman doesn't have instantaneous sexual desire, so she has to think to get romantic. Remember that an orgasm comes from the mind. It's not just tactile, sensorial input. Orgasm is the result of the brain unable to consume anymore stimulation, and triggers a release of that excitement through the physical action of the orgasm. Because for a woman the excitement can only be realized in a safe relationship where there's respect, dignity, no sarcasm, no harassment, or mistrust. Trust requires that both people have a relationship with God that makes being vulnerable, safe. Make sure you stress to your clients that trust, safety, and security are required for a woman to experience sexual excitement. That will be very different for the man to understand. He just thinks he is changing the oil and fixing the screen door, and it doesn't have a thing to do with sexual foreplay at all.
Men don't always understand that a woman's sense of security also comes from his submission to God, through his prayer life, reading scripture, and his personal relationship to God. Her willingness to be vulnerable and sexual, depends on her observation and participation in his relationship to God without being responsible for it. That means they have devotions together, pray together and sharing thoughts about God. They rely on each other to pray for difficult things in life each face. It may mean he prays for her one day, and she prays for him and their needs the next. She needs to see him participate in worship on Sunday and participate regularly in church activities. She needs to see his commitment and service, because all of that stays in the mind of the woman. This seems really strange to the man; he doesn't connect these things to sexual needs at all. When she is proud of him and thanks him for serving at church and looking great, the man will feel admired and respected. The man needs to understand that he is specifically asked by the Lord to represent Jesus Christ to his family. In Ephesians, it says that the Lord died for the church and men are to be a representation of how Christ died for the church. Through your death to your selfishness (Romans 8:13; Colossians 3:5), and service to others, you demonstrate Christ-likeness to your wife that she can trust, and that then unlocks her willingness to be open and vulnerable.
Often men don't understand that a wife is willing to dress in an inviting manner, be sexual and look nice for him. He needs to work with her taste, so that she can be beautiful to him and have a personal sense of dignity and respect. Once the trust factor is established through the relationship to God, then the sexual relationship itself can get better. What often happens is men bring to a marriage, especially if they weren't Christians, rotten, lousy, crummy taste in women’s clothing. They want their wives to wear clothing that makes them look provocative like a prostitute. Pornography portrays a sexy woman who has to wear risqué items like black garter belts and black net nylons, thin, see through fabric and red garter belts. Believing this lie, the man attempts to have the wife wear these types of items, because he is aroused through visual stimulation. There may not be an intent to degrade or demean her. He doesn't know any better.
For example, a male client was married to a woman (Case Study 8A) who was very much a lady, but he had a background in pornography. He bought her some of these items when they first got married. In a very calm and godly way, she said, “If I wear these things, I will feel like I'm a prostitute or just something to be used. I don't think you want me to look like that or feel like that. Where does this idea for clothing come from?” And he said, “This is all I know, and no one's ever taught me about anything else.” She asked him, “Will you allow me to teach you about things that look pretty and are sexually exciting to us both, while they preserve my own sense and yours of dignity and respect and honor before God?” She explained that she desired to please him, without dishonoring the Lord, by appearing to be immoral or creating false sexual excitement. They went shopping together and found tasteful and beautiful things with lace and soft colors. Later, he admitted that he loves how his wife dresses for him, but is still the lady she is. They removed the undertone of immorality and false concepts he learned from pornography.
So that's what you want to communicate to your clients. The woman has to educate the man in their preferred taste. The man has to provide a safe, trustworthy and spiritual environment, so that the woman is willing to teach him and has the freedom to be sexual. They both understand there isn't a performance factor, there's less desire in women in general, that it's cyclical, that it's okay. Once they understand these concepts, they will have a deep sense of satisfaction, because their needs will be met, sexual, spiritual, physical, emotional, affection, and honesty.
Men don't understand that most women have a cyclical sense of sexual desire due to the normal hormonal fluctuations of the menstrual cycle. For you women, you're going to have to excuse me, because obviously I don't know what this is like. I can only relay information that I've received from other women. For a man, it is very confusing, because men don't have the ebb and flow of hormones. These hormones change over the menstrual cycle, and control a lot of how a woman feels physically and emotionally which both impact her sexual desire. A woman is in a constant cycle of either replenishing these through her own body's production, or losing them because her egg has not been fertilized. The body prepares itself for another cycle of potential pregnancy. When the egg has not been fertilized, and the menstrual flow has occurred, the change in hormone levels causes a woman to have shifts in her mood. Some women are more impacted by this than others. Because this absolutely happens, it affects sexual desire as well as self-confidence. Their skills are reduced for their work, which reduces their ability to do their job. They don’t feel attractive or beautiful. They often feel like a failure. During this time, their greatest need is to be hugged and pampered, reassured that they are beautiful, loved and wonderful.
Remember, we have a man who is looking for a consistent sexual relationship, so that he feels loved, and his security is stable. You need to educate your male clients that this mood swing is not intentional. Help the wife understand that she needs to explain this to her husband so that he knows what's going on. Clue him in on the timeline of this cycle, so that he knows how to communicate with her appropriately. Explain to him how the cycle affects her sexual desire. In the first week of the cycle, the menstrual flow stops. After that there is a rush of hormones, which will increase her sexual desire. That will be a time of a lot of affection, romance, and sexuality, potentially. But as that wanes, as the menstrual cycle goes into the third, and fourth week, the hormones shift again and she will have less of that intense sexual desire. That does not mean she doesn't want to be sexual, but the drive behind it, which is a lot of hormones, is less. The man may interpret this as he is not loved, which isn't true. If they communicate through the process of patience, working with facts and feelings, they will be able to understand each other through these shifts in mood. The woman still desires her husband and wants to love him. She will still want to give herself to him, because of the ongoing, deeper sense of being secure and loved. The woman needs to understand that the man is not necessarily lusting after her, but a consistent need to connect with her sexually. They can be balanced.
The next part of the female perspective is understanding that her man is not always lusting after sex again. She needs to understand literally what the sexual part of his life is like. He's always after the same thing; to feel valued, loved and accepted. Your women clients need to understand how a man gets all of those needs met in the sexual act. That is how God created him. The closeness, tender affection and touching leads to the culmination of the drive and desire to be loved. This is also primarily the way spiritually they become one, that they unite. Most women will have a good understanding of their own needs for security, but may not understand his own. If the woman harasses in a biting voice, is sarcastic, caustic, and ridicules, or if their facial expression or body language is negative, she destroys the man's sexual desire. In the tenderness of non-verbal connections like touching, kissing, hugging, and fondling, the man is the most vulnerable. It's at that point that he's expressing his need. Usually, he doesn't even realize that it is a spiritual need to be one with his wife, where he is safe, close, tender and affectionate. The sexual need means acceptance through the woman's literally taking the man into her body.
This is not possible if there has been sarcasm or unresolved issues, where she is upset and edgy. Or if she looks at him and says, “You expect me to make love to you after the way you treated me today?” The man will feel spurned, rejected and demeaned, almost verbally or emotionally castrated. If this goes on long enough, his desire and his commitment to that relationship will die. He will think, why am I doing this? There's no payoff in this. I work myself to death. I don't get any affection. I don't get any tenderness. Forget it. I'm out of here. Then he gets very vulnerable to adultery and pornography. If the man is harsh, doesn't provide security, isn't affectionate, isn't tender, isn't understanding, the woman will think the same way. She'll be very vulnerable to someone who appears to be kind or tender, and will be very confused spiritually. She is looking for the spiritual relationship that the man has, to provide the security she needs. He doesn't yell, nag, or harass. He seems easy going and somewhat passive and tender. A manipulative man uses emotion to prey on a woman to make her feel safe, so that she potentially will be open to adultery.
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Discuss how a woman's need for security and trust shapes her sexual responsiveness in marriage. In your answer, explain what James Dobson's quote about "foreplay" illustrates, and describe the role the husband's spiritual life plays in creating that sense of safety.
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
A woman's sexual responsiveness is closely tied to her underlying sense of security, trust, and being valued, not simply to physical stimulation. James Dobson's quote describes everyday helping actions -- like taking out the garbage, fixing a screen door, or listening to her concerns -- as a form of foreplay. These acts of service communicate that she is seen, valued, and cared for, which is the foundation of her willingness to be physically intimate.
The husband's spiritual life is an equally critical part of this security. A woman's willingness to be vulnerable grows as she observes her husband's genuine relationship with God -- his prayer life, his engagement with Scripture, and his participation in worship. This reassures her that he can be trusted with the emotional and physical vulnerability of intimacy. Ephesians' picture of a husband representing Christ's sacrificial love for the church models a man dying to his own selfishness in order to serve his wife.
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Explain how a woman's menstrual cycle affects her sexual desire across the month, and describe how a counselor should coach a couple to communicate about this cycle so the husband does not misinterpret it as rejection.
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
A woman's sexual desire fluctuates predictably across her menstrual cycle due to normal hormonal changes. In the first week after her menstrual flow stops, a rush of hormones tends to increase her desire, producing more affection, romance, and sexual interest. In the third and fourth weeks, hormone levels shift again and the intensity of that drive naturally wanes.
Because men do not experience this hormonal ebb and flow themselves, they can easily misread the change as rejection or a sign that they are not loved, which threatens their own sense of security. Using the process of patience, couples can talk through these mood and desire shifts without either partner feeling rejected or accused.
The First Marriage Couple’s Sexual Issues
Up to this point in the discussion we have covered several of the different facets of the sexual issues that can occur in a first marriage. Now, let’s look at the nuances of both the man and woman’s active personalities. I will outline how these two were reacting and interacting sexually when I met them. And remember, the man was involved in adultery. They had a marriage of about six years. All of these different issues have come into play.
Let's look at the man first. As we will discuss in Chapter 6, both were active personalities, he appeared to be close to active-sincere and his scores were higher than her scores. He wants to do what's right, but doesn't really know how. Her active personality means that she wanted things to be right and correct. She would correct him: Don't do this, don't do that. That isn't right. And in her case, she had a sharp mind, and an even sharper tongue. She was very critical and used body language to add to her communication with rolled eyes, and stiff body posture. She also had an appearance that was alluring, with dark hair, flashing eyes, slender and tall. Often, he was outspoken, saying things without thinking them through, sticking his foot in his mouth. He also had extremes and his emotions that would be confusing. Unfortunately, she got offended easily, would reply quickly without thinking and be extremely emotional.
The man would try to use sex to fix their relationship with all of his erratic emotions. She didn't see it that way at all! She would get mad at him, withdraw, and deny him being sexual. Sometimes this was with very fiery emotions. Their sexual relationship became a place of power struggles, confusion and misunderstandings. By the time I met them, he had become so bitter, angry and hurt because he felt disrespected from all of the verbal abuse. He became very vulnerable to the woman in his office who was calm, quiet, and respectful of his authority. So, that was the relationship he'd gotten into, abandoning his wife for almost two years. She was seeking a divorce when she came for counseling.
Instead of moving forward with the divorce, she worked with me on a Biblical Separation and he then came back to her, because they were almost into a divorce. Setting up the Biblical Separation (see Chapter 4 as a reminder and more to come in Chapter 7 & 16), she had to put limits on conversations with him, no more than five minutes, never anything other than business. She was able to put limits on their literal, physical presence. He could not come out of the car to drop the kids off. He had to let them walk in. She couldn't invite him in. There are different things that happen like that in their separation agreement. Sometimes these stipulations are hard to keep, but in this case, they did stick to the rules most of the time. During the separate sessions of counseling, we addressed all of the issues, and he genuinely changed. When change happens, they are tempted to be together. In the last few months of counseling this grew very strong.
At the beginning of the separation, I cautioned her that if she became physically active with him, it could destroy everything. Because she would give in to him, before he had really changed. He had a tendency to rush ahead, and be quick to make decisions himself. I cautioned her that he will want to come back too soon. There would be all kinds of temptations. He was genuine in his seeking help, but wanted to rush the process of change, like wanting to date too soon, call her up to chat. In the last month of counseling with him, they used many excuses to miss sessions. If there hasn't been real spiritual change, you have to confront that. There was change in the couple, especially for her; she lost all that bitterness and anger. You can caution them, but sometimes you need to let go, because they are making progress and they are working towards reconciling. Even though they're not following the whole process, if they work through issues, confront each other, and hold to the rules, it can be okay.
When they had not shown up for a month, I knew they were back together. When they came for the last session, he said he was moving back. I made sure it was okay with both of them. They had started to date, spent time together, and they followed the reconciliation procedure. They had become sexual again, and it was fine, because they stopped the power struggles. When they had a conflict, they would follow the process of patience. Because he would do that, she was more willing to be submissive to him. Because he was submissive to the Lord, and provided proper authority, a Christ-like leadership. Her response of submission, without the verbal abuse, caustic words control, and manipulation, they both could be vulnerable to each other sexually. Now that they understood each other, and were able to be open and honest with each other, each found a place of safety, security and comfort, which had needed to happen for a long time.
In some situations, you may have a couple with one active and one passive personality. The more the husband surrenders to the authority of God and lives a Christ-like life, the more the wife can surrender to his spiritual leadership. When the wife trusts the man, she feels safe and cherished, and is able to allow him to take leadership in dealing with problems. There are different combinations, but in general, once the spiritual relationships are correct, and there's mutual submission to God, the sexual issues are resolved. Understanding how God made them sexually different, the sexual relationship becomes a deep place of the commingling of the souls, with a sense of safety, friendship, fun, fellowship, comfort, and all that God intended it to be.
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Using the case study of the couple who were both active personalities (the husband's affair, the wife's sharp criticism, their legal separation, and eventual reconciliation), describe how the counselor structured the separation and explain what spiritual and relational changes had to occur before the couple could safely reconcile, sexually and otherwise.
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
The wife was quick to criticize and correct her husband with a sharp tongue and dismissive body language, while the husband, feeling disrespected, eventually became vulnerable to an affair with a coworker who was calm and respectful toward him.
Rather than proceeding with divorce, the counselor guided the wife into a structured Biblical separation instead, with firm boundaries limiting conversations to five minutes and business only, and restricting physical contact points such as dropping off the children.
During the separation, each spouse worked individually through counseling on their own issues. The counselor specifically cautioned the wife against becoming physically intimate with her husband again too soon. The goal for each spouse was to submit to God's authority in their own life, providing a renewed sense of safety and honesty as the foundation for eventual reconciliation.
First Marriage Relationship to Relatives Issues
This next issue of family relatives, the discussion will deal with inappropriate interventions of family into the marital relationship in the first marriage. The couple will tend to present their identified problems like others with first marriage issues: emotional and sometimes physical outbursts, abuse within the family, along with alcohol and/or drug abuse impacting their children. While some issues are peripheral, not necessarily major or crucial things. Like when relatives interfere and become overly involved in the couple’s relationship. This is not the reason per se, why they came in for counseling, but disgruntled relatives can poison the marriage relationship and cause damage. It is important for you to understand so that you can help the clients manage them to prevent damage to their relationship. When relatives interfere with a couple or intrude into the couple’s relationship, sometimes there is an unhealthy dependence on one or more relatives, possibly a codependent relationship. After prayerful discernment by the counselor, it is wise to bring this concern to the couple in a sensitive manner.
Other times, relatives try to triangulate (a third person stepping between two people in order to manipulate/protect one person and cast blame or cause distance upon the other person). The relatives can unknowingly or purposefully try to influence one person’s communication and actions towards their spouse, in order to get the spouse to act in a certain way. Triangulating can generate confusion, instability and division. Understanding the dynamic of the relatives’ influence on the couple will help you as their counselor to discern how to counsel them.
As their therapist, you can confront the family involved with the intrusion indirectly. In other words, you literally tell your client to not listen to what they say to them. You tell them what you want them to do, and to tell the family members what they have been told to do. As their therapist, you are telling them to make you the bad guy, because they're usually not strong enough yet to do this themselves. They need someone as an authority that they can blame and you are it. Caution them to expect to be told that these suggestions are stupid, and this counselor doesn't know what he's doing or she's doing. And other things like: Do you know how much money this costs you? It's not doing any good anyway. You need to get rid of the bum. You're being stupid and on and on and on. By taking the blame, you are protecting the clients, because they're trying not to listen, and yet they're emotional.
They're learning a new skill, and yet they haven't got it yet. They're trying to draw closer to the Lord, but they're not closer yet. Also, tell them that if the family doesn’t stop, the clients will be forced to alter their relationship with the family. This could mean not seeing you as much, not taking your phone calls, or moving out. Suggest the family member to call you to discuss this if they like. You can then explain the Biblical principles for the process of counseling, and the Biblical principles for why they don't need to hear others' voices in their head. Make it clear to the client that you will not discuss details without the clients’ permission. You can use a release of information form that they sign. You will have this as part of this course. Recommend that the clients ask their family members to pray for them instead. You'll be amazed at what this does. And you can tell your clients to observe their reactions to that request. They will do one of two things: either get the drift, understand, pull back, leave you alone, genuinely pray for you, or totally ignore you and keep pressing. The client sees what their real motive is for talking about this to you. If it's not to help you, it's designed to get information for gossip. It will help you to know who can support the clients rather than being destructive. I will also help the client feel less guilty, and it'll eliminate any issues of control.
Back to our first marriage couple, where both are active personalities. The man’s parents were not accurate or supportive in their parenting. His grandfather, who he called PePa, was a pastor in a Pentecostal type church that believed in preaching “hellfire and brimstone” sermons. He was 85 years old and semi-retired. The parents of the male client had been very permissive and had given him everything he wanted. The couple didn't believe in discipline and were very liberal in their faith, unlike the grandfather. The man had been semi-close to his grandpa, but could easily manipulate his parents. After he was married, his parents continued giving him what he wanted like: money for a house, money for a car, and clothing for their children. When the woman resented this and tried to confront him, he was very upset. He felt her concern was inappropriate, because his parents just love them. Because they had always done this, he thought she was being unreasonable and should just accept it. They got into a power struggle that lasted throughout their whole relationship. Her parents, on the other hand, had been solid in their Christian faith and fairly conservative, which she rebelled against. But they did not get into their marriage, or interfere. So, when they split up, she went back home, and they were very supportive of the counseling. His parents, on the other hand, gave him some negative information, and suggested another counselor who was not a Christian. His parents got involved and expressed anger toward them both. When he came back to counseling with me, they were against it. They did back off over time, and became neutral.
But when they talked about reconciliation, the woman was very hesitant, because she felt her in-laws had wronged her. They had ignored her for two years, and when there was potential to reconcile, they had begun to flood her with gifts, phone calls, cards and presents. In her opinion, they acted like everything was just fine, and nothing had happened. In the joint sessions, we talked about her issues with his parents. He did come to understand about their inappropriate behavior. I had to help them find an answer, by reminding them of the principles they have learned. Following the process of patience steps to confront the people involved, they agreed on him making an opening statement, which was to speak with his parents about this giving behavior. He was in total and complete agreement with her. They were unified in this. He would not answer questions, but be there to support her. She went through the confrontation and delineated her facts (what they had done over time), how she felt, and that she perceived their actions were not being Christ-like. When it came time for the husband to share his concern and support his wife, he looked his parents in the eyes, he held her hand, and he didn't say anything.
In their next counseling session we had worked out a plan. First, she had to confront him about what was going on. He thought and prayed about what she had pointed out, and agreed that she was right. He was willing to go through the confrontation with his parents so that she could get back her sense of safety and security. And if there was any manipulation going on, then it would be stopped.
Now in this case, when the husband/son confronted his parents, the parents were shocked, and they started into some old things about, how can you say that? We've always loved you? She stopped them and said, “That seems to be manipulative. It isn't dealing with the facts. You have to make a choice. Either you talk to me respectfully, or not at all. She gave them the sheet on the process of patience that she had given them prior to meeting. If you don't want to do this, then we're going to leave, and we will talk to you in a few days.” The parents continued to sputter and stammer. The husband took her hand, looked them in the eyes, and said to them, “This is how we're going to live. This is how we're going to love you. This is how we're going to have unity. My first love, my first obedience, has to be to Jesus, my second, to my wife, and you come third. And we're leaving so that you can make your choice about thought or prayer, but we will talk to you in a few days. We do love you very much. But this was wrong, and it has to be fixed, and this is how we're going to fix it from this point forward.”
Needless to say, they had quite a few things to think and pray about. And slowly over time, this initial stance and their continued growth in handling problems, the relationship was changing. It's getting better, but it took time. Sometimes it doesn't get a lot better. Sometimes, the client chooses to not confront and settles for a difficult relationship to the parent or the relative. I don't like this when this happens. You want the very best outcome, but your first priority here is the health and growth of your client. If a relative is controlling or manipulative, they can drive a wedge or triangulate the couple which results with a deep sense of disrespect or insecurity, that can literally destroy the marriage and cause a divorce. You have to confront different levels of intervention that have been wrong, and relatives can be one of them. A word of caution here, encourage the couple to set healthy boundaries with their relatives, like with time and communication, though not to completely “cut off” their time and communication with these relatives.
Issue with Interfering Friends
In the next portion, relationship to friends, which can be divisive, and negatively affect the relationship in a first marriage. You deal with this in the same way as you deal with relatives. You’ll notice, it says confront friends by instructing the client to not listen to or discuss their problems with friends, or share counseling information concerning their marriage or relationship. Also have the client tell their friends to call you to discuss the Biblical principles involved in counseling and ask friends to pray for the client. The same observation of how they react will inform your client of their friends’ motivations for seeking information. The client should observe their responses of continuing to pester, harass, or tear down the counselor; and then stop, think, and pray about how to respond to them. Maybe just leave them alone. Some of the issues, though, are different, because friendship obviously isn't the same as a family member. The client may need more support from you especially if they married fairly young. Their friends may be the people they went to high school with and still are important influences on them. Their allegiance to friends may be deep or emotional. If they've come from a real rough background, they may have been great supporters through the difficult times.
In this first marriage case, the man had a lot of guy friends he was still attached to. He still would golf with them, and go out with them after work. He was very committed to doing this, because these were his friends, who really cared about him. Likewise, the wife had some friends that she ran with, who were divorced and negative about their husbands, and gave her negative advice, like dump the guy. Get somebody else. Get divorced. You don't need him. You got your rights. Rip him off. She finally explained she wasn’t going to divorce him, which they thought was insane. She also told them she was going to go to church, which they thought was crazy also. When she waited almost two years, they thought I was a lousy counselor. Friends usually evaporate, if the client becomes a Christian. Over those two years, everyone who had been so adamant about how wrong she was, pretty much dropped out of her life. Some got angry at her for sticking with a guy, and got very critical, caustic and disrespectful towards her. She had to confront some of them. Some wouldn't listen to her, so they all dropped by the wayside. You can caution the client that this may happen, but they're not always open to it at first. Some may ignore you and need to discover this themselves. They will find that true friendship takes the same love that makes a good marriage, and it's a personal relationship to Christ. If their friends don’t have that, there is not a good foundation for a solid friendship.
Interference from friends comes in many forms that are divisive to the marriage. Many of their friends have been working against their marriage by partying with old, single friends urging them to do destructive things like use drugs, drink, or immoral activities. Other friends come over that prevent the couple from spending time with each other. This can result in splitting the two apart, destroying unity, and power struggles over disagreements about time with friends. When they make the decision to confront their friends and to agree about how much time they spend apart, then they can have friends. They will need to agree and listen to each as they adjust to being married. Let the clients know dealing with friends is much like dealing with relatives. The loyalty that the couple has to the friends will be less than to relatives. The couple will need to sit down together and confront some friends, but often each one can confront a friend separately. The end result will be a new sense of unity. They need to build friendships that they both agree with. Most beneficial are new people, godly people, in their church fellowship. They can be more confident and can support the other's friendships with a sense of peace, strength and spiritual security when the couple is unified.
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Define "triangulation" as it applies to relatives or friends intervening in a marriage. Describe the specific counseling strategy recommended for helping clients set boundaries with family members or friends who interfere, and explain why the counselor asks to be made "the bad guy."
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
Triangulation occurs when a third person steps between a husband and wife in order to "protect" or manipulate one spouse while casting blame or creating distance toward the other.
The recommended counseling strategy is to have the client stop discussing marital or counseling matters with interfering family members or friends. In extreme cases, with written permission, the counselor can directly explain to family or friends the best ways to support the couple.
The counselor asks to be made "the bad guy" so that he or she can absorb the relative's anger or criticism directly, protecting the clients from having to carry that confrontation single-handedly while they are still learning these new relational skills.
First Marriage Spiritual Issues
Now the next issue deals with spiritual issues, or the relationship to God. A first marriage may include one or both spouses who are not saved or who don’t know God at all. This may mean that their lifestyle includes alcohol abuse, drugs, violence or passivity. One may feel like a victim. One may be aggressive. You can assume many problems, because of the lack of a functional relationship to God. They may live from one crisis to another, continually in a state of fear, exhaustion, and unable to settle down. They never have any peace or continuity. They are in a constant sense of trauma and crisis. For example, one case I had, the wife was beating the husband. He would curl up in a fetal position on the short love seat. She would beat him on his face and arms, and then go to his side, then go to his back and beat him black and blue on his back. She would just go around in a circle on him. He was passive. She was violent. Most of the time the man will be the violent one, but not always.
Some couples live in poverty. They may have run up $20,000 on personal loans and various charge cards. Or they may have been so irresponsible and destructive in other ways, that their lives have fallen apart and are in shambles. They will probably have problems with all kinds of relationships. They may have trouble with the boss and with their kids. Another case I worked on, their 14-year-old stole the car. When he got caught, he was so mad at the parents for calling the police, that he chased the dad around the house with a butcher knife trying to kill him. As a therapist, pastor or Christian leader, these behaviors and issues look extreme and serious enough to get help, grow up and make peace. Though to the couple, they may not know anything different and have accepted their erratic lifestyle.
Other first married couples you work with are saved but immature, or Christians in name only. Because of the data I keep on clients about their Christian activities like prayer, Bible reading and beliefs, I have found that the majority who identify themselves as Christians, would fall into the range called nominal. I think the statistics right now indicate that about 90% of the people that I work with only read their Bible in church, they pray four times a month, and they read the Bible four times a month. This means that their contact with God was restricted to when they're in Church. They don't have much functional faith. So, they can be saved and tell you that they believe in God, and oh yes, I'm born again, and Jesus is my Lord. Be very aware that they may know very little of the basic principles of the Bible.
Most Christians don’t understand the process of patience and Biblical confrontation to solve problems. Most often it's a new idea to them, which can cause confusion in a Christ follower who is attempting to use the process of patience with another Christian. They're unaware of who God, the Holy Spirit is, and what His purpose is in their Christian faith. They have sparce knowledge of praying in a practical way. They don't understand how to hear God; how the Holy Spirit can speak to their conscious mind. That is why I gave you that illustration about Jesus at the fairgrounds. Clients are startled to realize that God could actually speak to them in their mind. Being unskilled in the most practical issues of their Christian faith, they may be frustrated with their inability to mature or to grow. Because of this immaturity, they also may be having relationship difficulties, probably not as severe as the unsaved.
Now a third group of people that you may deal with in relation to spiritual issues will be mature Christians. These clients will score as Active-sincere on the Agape Love Analysis Profile. I have related to you that their scores are either very high or very low. They are confusing individuals, because they give two conflicting sets of information. They could not be boastful or proud, and yet appear to be impatient and unkind. They could appear to not keep records of wrong, and yet not trust God and feel like failures. These are the people who don't understand how to confront, understand the impact of their own upbringing, and the experience that hurt them. They don't understand their human side and their personality type. Both of which are what they are unintentionally or intentionally using conditional actions to solve problems and work through their difficult issues.
But you're going to find one of these three types of people, and you will find them in all types of couples. You may find an unsaved individual married to a mature Christian. If the unsaved individual is in adultery, the mature Christian may have some false concepts about confrontation. They feel obligated to stay married to this person, or they could never confront them. Or they tried and it didn't work. They don’t think they could go through a separation and divorce is not Biblical. You may get clients who are unsaved and are absolutely vicious. A lady that I worked with a while ago, told me about a time when her husband got her in a headlock, and ran her head into a wall. She hit the wall so hard that she broke through it, and hit something in the wall that required her to receive 18 stitches. When I confronted this guy about separation, he got violent and mad. Don't be surprised if somebody screams at you, curses you, threatens to kill you, breaks a chair or some other thing, because you're dealing with a person who thinks that is normal. To some degree, that's all they know. I'm not trying to scare you in this at all, but I want you to be prepared to stand secure in your identity in Jesus Christ due to the reality of Biblical counseling. Shining God’s light and Word on sin will bring resistance from unbelievers.
You see, when you work with the eternal soul of a human being, which is totally centered on selfishness and is in opposition to God, expect out of control behaviors when confronted. When their “will” is not surrendered to God, their emotions, desires and selfish thoughts are in control. Or if they feel they are good enough to go to heaven or being a good person is all it takes to be a good husband, and in control of their own destiny. There isn't anything beyond their capacity to do. Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart of man is desperately sick and beyond cure, so much so that who can ever know it.” Don't ever assume somebody will or won't do something, because as long as their only God is themself, they have no limits on their choices to get what they want. You need to understand the spiritual condition of your client can range from the passive person to the absolutely self-centered, violent, possessive, and controlling person. The other end of the spectrum is a Christian who is sincere, but absolutely puzzled and lost, not knowing how to confront or face problems. They can have confusion, or a lack of understanding of how to get close to the Holy Spirit and hear the truth. You can also have an absolutely passive and lost and miserable client who's unsaved.
Your challenge will be to use the AQAL and Analysis Profile, intake information and conversation to know what and how, to teach what they need to learn; in order to help them work through their presenting problems. Both ends of the spectrum can be challenging like a mature Christian who hides behind their Christianity, or wants to be holier than thou, or doesn't want to face his or her problems. Some clients struggle to submit their will to God. But whatever the issues are, you will learn about them and figure out how to treat each one. Just be really honest with yourself. Sometimes, when you get tough folks that are nasty or screaming or whatever, you will be scared. That's all right. There is a God who lives within you, and speaks to your conscious mind to guide you and enable you to be Christ-like and overcome the problem of fear. You will be demonstrating the reliance on the Holy Spirit to your clients. You will teach them through your example.
Next, we will discuss the treatments for issues in a first marriage. We'll begin with how you're going to work with the spiritual issues of your clients in their presenting problems that occur within a first marriage.
Copyright 1987, 1990, 1993 by Daniel D. Wilkinson. All rights reserved. For more information concerning this material, write to:
The Biblical Christian Counseling Ministries, Inc., 2730 Radcliffe Dr., Florissant, MO 63031.
Any reproduction of this material without the express written consent of the author is prohibited. Printed in the U.S.A..
Fully answer the following question from the content you just read and submit your answer to find your score and Dr. Dan's answer to the question.
Compare the three general spiritual categories of clients a counselor encounters, such as the resistive individual and the willing spouse, and the mature (active-sincere) Christian. For each category, explain the typical relational patterns and the specific counseling challenges each one presents.
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
The resistive and unsaved spouse brings cycles from one crisis to another with little peace or stability, showing extreme behaviors such as violence, addiction, financial recklessness, or passivity.
The saved spouse is seeking Biblical counsel, but their day-to-day contact with God is minimal and they are unfamiliar with practical spiritual tools like the process of patience.
The mature Christian, often showing an active-sincere pattern, has genuine spiritual knowledge but struggles to apply that knowledge to real relational situations. The common challenge across all three is the gap between spiritual knowledge and practical, everyday application, which requires a balance of patience, confrontation, and growth in Agape love.
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