If the separation time has reached the limit stated in the letter and the cooperating spouse does not have a clear sense of the Holy Spirit showing them their next move, they can write another letter, extending the separation for a longer period of time, while you continual being the contact point for the other person. After the letter has been delivered, and the spouse contacts about anything other than business, the cooperating spouse reminds them that the guidelines for conversation are in the letter.  This section concludes by stating, “If you decide to counsel, I will talk to you in the office. Included in your materials is a sample letter.”

Section two of the letter continues the conditions for the separation. And the first one letter A is finances which will be analyzed before the separation. In order to maintain two households during the separation, the division of payments needs to be formally stated in the letter. Whatever they need, they ask for. One client doubted her husband would give her anything, but he gave her what she asked for like clockwork. There's a degree of guilt sometimes, because they know what they are doing is wrong. Help your client make a budget, look for a job if needed, look for the apartment and estimate expenses. Here is where some of their faith grows. As they make a budget, they don’t see how they can do this, but they have to go ahead anyway. Because the plan is to reconcile, both should continue to maintain the integrity of the households without incurring lots of debt or losing property.  

The next section of a biblical separation addresses the visitation of children. Working on this document can be very emotional for people. Even though their relationship exists of emotional outbursts with yelling and threats, the bond of still being together creates an illusion that it will never change. The reality of a written plan for separation clarifies the truth of the misery in which they are living and raising children. For example, I had one male client call me and said, “I'm standing in the middle of my living room, and it's empty, except for a couple chairs, and my wife is gone. I'm holding this letter that says that I am not going to see my children, except for every other weekend, one night a week, from four to nine, and every other holiday, starting with the closest one. Christmas is about a month and a half away. You're telling me that I'm going to either get my kids for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, but not Christmas the whole time.” The shock hit him hard. I said to him, “You asked to come to counseling.” He replies, “Well, yes, but it's stupid, and I don't want to come.” I said, “Okay, that's fine. That's your choice. That's okay. You will lose your kids for part of Christmas, or you will choose to counsel, or check to see how I can help you. Does that seem fair so that you can be with your children?” He said, “Well, yeah, I guess it says that I need to reread that.” 

It is common for folks to panic before they understand the entire plan. I help them focus on the reality of the plan and address their misunderstandings about the future. I emphasize the purpose is to reconcile. I remind them of their behaviors that resulted in this separation. If they continue to behave this way, they will not get their family back. It is their choice to counsel with me or stay broken so that their marriage and family are a mess.  You're not trying to hurt or harm the person, but you're establishing reality, and you're taking away control and manipulation, and you're making them face the reality of their choices. And I usually let them know that this is very close to your time with your children when you are the non-custodial parent. Most likely, she will get sole custody. I remind them of what they will miss like baseball games, prayers at night, teaching them hobbies, and holidays without them.  It doesn't have to be this way, you can get a second chance, but you have to make up your own mind. 

Transportation should also be included in the letter. The children must be safe in the car driven by their mother. You would be amazed at the awful cars that moms drive, because the other spouse wants his Mustang convertible. The letter should include provision for safe transportation. Sometimes it's just delineating which vehicle she plans on using. Sometimes it is a struggle, and you will let them be convicted about being selfish for keeping the best car for themselves. 

This next area is one of the hardest in relation to conditions of the separation, because it's the area of physical or verbal contact. Now this might sound harsh to you, no social contacts, such as coffee, breakfast or other contacts. The reason for that's pretty simple. When apart people can get lonely and want to be close to the other person. It can begin innocently and escalate to intimacy that is inappropriate at this separation stage. Once sexual intimacy occurs, it is easy to forgo the separation and go right back to the habitual brokenness of the relationship. Why didn't you pick your pants up? Why don't you ever hang up your clothes? And within about two milliseconds, they're right back into World War Three. And then they call you up and they say, this isn't going to work. I just can't get along. You're not going to believe what he or she did. The major problem in the relationship has not been fixed; it still is dysfunctional and destructive. 

You have to set pretty strict guidelines that say, at least initially, no contact, no games, just no contacts except to discuss business over the phone. Really easy to call and to say we got this bill in the mail and how should we pay it. Any conversation about feelings or the future only happens in the counseling office. You only talk about finances, business, bills, and if the other one starts talking about anything else, they should be stopped and reminded of the plan – even if they have to hang up rather than argue about it. If they show up at the door and they want to come in, you don't let them in. You may have to, you get an order of protection. If the person won't leave, or if they show up, you call the police. Whatever it takes to make the offending spouse face the fact that there's a problem, and work toward doing something about it. Then that's what's most critical.  We pray for God to lead and convict both spouses, which He does, yet it doesn’t mean one or both parties listen, follow His leading.

A third item says in bold and underlying capital letters, do not go into each other's homes to pick up or drop off the children. Place the bags for the kids near the door or outside; if weather permits let the children help carry the things in. If necessary, arrange for someone else to pick them up and drop them off. You can also have a neutral drop zone, where you go to and you drop them off, and then the other person goes later and picks them up. Have no contact during the exchange of the children between homes during visitation. This is visitation for the children, not for the parents. This can be used to manipulate the emotions of everyone, especially the kids, by putting them in the middle of the separation process. I've seen many times where the separated spouse goes along with this and it results in a nasty comment, or using the kids and their emotions to try to manipulate the separated spouse. That's the last thing those children need. They need consistent visitation. They don't need manipulation. Using a plan for no contact will eliminate the hassle and the emotion of inappropriate contact. 

Unfortunately, it must be made clear that there will be no physical or sexual contact between the separated spouses at any time for any reason. This will only confuse the situation, affect emotions and make the reconciliation more difficult. There's something frightening about having such difficult problems that a separation is necessary and then being sexually vulnerable. I have experienced clients doing this and then getting a call about the separation not working. You will need to ask the questions so that you know why this call happened. It may be embarrassing, but you have to ask it anyway, so that you can hold the person accountable for what they're doing. In some cases, you will see genuine change, and both are making progress, so that you give them freedom to break some of these rules.  Since you cannot do much about it, being too demanding or dictatorial, may make them leave counseling before they are ready. As you explain the separation to your client, you clarify that these are some guidelines. Let them pray about it, seek discernment and make decisions where possible. 

Take a pause in your reading. Take a breath or even a break, ask the Lord for His understanding here, this is heavy content.

The last section is the closing in the letter. This section states that at the end of the separation, the progress and status of the marriage will be reviewed. At this time, a decision will be made to either extend the separation, reconcile or divorce. At the end of the letter, do not write, love whatever, just sign your name. Make sure that what you've written is readable, preferably typed. Make some copies, at least one for yourself and one for the counselor. Give the original to the spouse in a sealed envelope, which is not to be read in front of you or the children. Make arrangements for the spouse and the children to be away from the house, a safe house unlikely to be found by the separated spouse. That first day apart, the 24 hours is an absolute. The only contact number in the letter should be that of the counselor along with information on the counseling location, and other details about counseling. The only way they can talk to the person is through you. They have to call to make an appointment, so you will need to get them in as soon as you can once they make the decision to talk. The spouse receiving the letter may be verbally or physically aggressive towards you. They may call you up screaming, can threaten you. They may have been told by a psychological professional that this is not proper or correct. They may come to your office pounding on the door, screaming and cursing. You may have to call the police. Don't be afraid of that, but know that you're touching their soul. After all of these emotions, the choice is still there. Continue the plan for separation. 

If there is no agreement to begin counseling after the 24-hour time period, put all of your plans into actions: moving, employment, living arrangements, and friends to help. I have seen where it was impossible for separation, which doesn’t happen often. In some cases, God didn't allow the necessary circumstances to be worked out. Usually, God wants them to mature and stay in the situation, at least for a time. This is only possible when there is no violence, sexual abuse, or child abuse. With God's help, the Holy Spirit's guidance, and your counselor's help, the client will have a rational and practical way for healing and restoration personally and relationally.  

Once they are separated, the client should do normal activities like: go for walks, have friends, exercise, sleep, eat good food, think, be at peace or pray. Many of these they have not done in a long time, because these have been impossible living in the conflict of a dysfunctional marriage. They have lost touch with a normal, peaceful, happy life. The separation removes the stress so that they can look at themselves, heal and get closer to God without the chaos.  The separation allows them to build the life structure that supports them emotionally so that they can heal and grow. I have a note there in bold: “A Biblical Separation is only to be undertaken when all other attempts at reconciling the marriage have failed, and should only be attempted with the assistance of a professional Biblically based counselor.” The only motivation for a Biblical Separation is to save the marriage and reconcile the couple to God and to each other. A common argument is how this will work when we don’t see each other. You explain the conditions that have to be met in order to have contact that can bring an appreciation for each other and a willing heart to change by the separation.

Among therapists, it is said, a spouse will tend to separate and return on their own up to 7 times before a permanent change occurs, whether to stay married or get a divorce. In a Biblical Separation, spouses will generally make mistakes, break their agreements and/or react impulsively, so expect it. Be calming and assuring of God’s Presence and leading, focusing on healing and reconciliation among the separation drama. For counselors, pastors and lay leaders, the stress from counseling couples who are separated is significant, impacts everyone involved so have prayer partners and church community help for yourself and the clients, including their family members. Yet, once the separation has begun, the clients meet with the counselor in separate sessions to deal with their concepts of Agape love and communication which takes 3 – 5 sessions. You work with each client as you normally would, understanding their scores on the questionnaire, learning and practicing the process of patience. They learn how to apply what they have learned, maybe through role plays with you.

 Once that has been accomplished, they meet in joint sessions with you to discuss the dysfunctional issues in the marriage.  Each of them makes a list of everything that they want to discuss: unresolved issues, what bothers them, and what they have not talked about. That list can be quite amazing. One couple had been married for 16 years. Both of them had been alcoholics. The wife’s list was 120 items long, and his was about 40. In the joint sessions, the clients apply the knowledge they have gained to discuss the problems and find answers. They made a budget. He changed his language. She was more accountable. After they go through joint sessions, you ask them if they see spiritual change in your spouse? If they both agree that there has been change, then you establish a schedule for their time together that starts usually with a couple hours during the week. Every week you talk about how their time together went. Did you have problems? Did you work together to solve them? I tell them, when you are together, you will have problems. I want to know what you did specifically to solve the problem. I want to see how you use this new understanding, and the process of patience, to deal with it. I tell them up front, the purpose for being together in small quantities, is to have you each witness how the other person has changed and will solve problems in this new way. 

The next step of the process is to increase the amount of time they spend together. Maybe they get together for two days, for two hours each day. You meet after that time together, and you ask them the same questions, did you have any problems? Do you both see spiritual change? Yes, we do. You keep to your schedule for reconnecting. The next step is usually overnight or at least over a weekend. They agree to spend Saturday afternoon and Saturday night together. You check with them again about how they solved problems and made decisions. The next step is to reestablish their sexual contact. A couple of things can happen. They can be so scared that being sexual isn't appealing or frightens them. Let them know that they only are sexual if both agree on how and when. After their time together, you check with them on how it went. How did they decide and solve problems? You are teaching them things about sexuality, applying the information I shared earlier. Ask about how they resolved problems. The last step is spending the weekend together: Friday over Sunday. When you get back together, you ask them again, “Did you have any problems? Do you see any spiritual change?”

 If they both do, then the next step is to set a date to reconcile. They may already have done it. They may set a date in a week. They may need to coordinate schedules; get trucks, and helpers lined up. After they reconcile, you set up counseling to hold them accountable during maintenance counseling, which will be every week for how long they need it. Maintenance counseling helps them remember all they have learned, apply what they have learned, and deal with issues that have not been addressed before.  Everyone's different. Some people don't want it at all. They'll call you if they need to. Some are very afraid, and will want to meet you every week for a month or two months. Some will go for two weeks and then go for three weeks and then four weeks and drop off. You're just looking forward to supporting them. And you'll all have a sense of when they're both okay and everything's fine. Explaining these stages when you explain the separation process, answers many questions and affirms the goal of reconciliation. 

Copyright 1987, 1990, 1993 by Daniel D. Wilkinson. All rights reserved. For more information concerning this material, write to:
The Biblical Christian Counseling Ministries, Inc., 2730 Radcliffe Dr., Florissant, MO 63031.
Any reproduction of this material without the express written consent of the author is prohibited. Printed in the U.S.A..