Cognitive Biblical
Therapy Coursework
Counseling Through God’s
Transformative Word
Course 4, Chapter 8
Welcome to Section 2: Issues in Relationships
Course 4 Chapter 8
His Sexual Issues, Child Abuse & Adultery
Issues in a man’s sexuality can lead to various types of abuse involving his wife, children and/or marital affair(s). Many issues are from prior experiences and the lack of surrender to God’s standard of love. Dr. Wilkinson breaks down the cycles couples’ experience and how to work with a child, parent(s) who report sexual abuse.
Essay Questions: Answering the section questions (red buttons) is a great way to prepare for the end of the Chapter Quiz. Chapter 4 questions require you to analyze the case study and apply both present and previous course understanding, while using common sense. The section questions will provide Dr. Wilkinson’s feedback to your answers.
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Chapter 8
His Sexual Issues, Child Sexual Abuse, Adultery
His Sexual Issues
Moving on to “His Sexual Issues”. In this same Case Study, the man felt very disrespected. Mostly because his wife would get mad, yell and nag him. His sexual desire for her was nonexistent. She felt very rejected, especially when there was adultery. She believed that she was being told that she was ugly, not valued, and not satisfying. As they each started treating the other better, their entire relationship changed. But the discussion about treatment is just a reiteration of the basic principles about sexuality that were previously discussed. In the next Symptoms and Treatment section (Materials tab) the text describes potential sexual abuse of his wife. Some of the potential symptoms or the problem will be violence towards one person or both, yelling, loud, angry discussions and extreme emotion. Along with this interaction, can be breaking things and punching holes in the walls. When someone is sexually abusive, they are not looking for gratification through a sexual act or an orgasm.
Here, the husband’s focus is control, disrespect, and demeaning a person’s value, much like the reasons for physically abusing children or sexually assaulting another woman. Sometimes, kids get in the middle trying to protect the parent being attacked. They try to be peacemakers, or physically attack the abusive parent, and they get knocked around. Often concerned relatives try to intervene inappropriately, which causes more fighting rather than solving the problems. Sexual issues can be sexual dysfunction, adultery, pornography that all lead to abuse. Most often there is no relationship to God. The most destructive element is that the abused client will blame themselves for the abuse. Out of false guilt, the client will work very hard to make the abuser happy, or avoid conflict to bring a sense of peace like walking quietly all the time out of fear and confusion. In your treatment text, the cycle of sexual abuse is described, which consists of three reactions of the abuser. First, the abuser is nice to the person, giving mixed messages, a false image of caring, being godly, or trustworthy. The second step is the abuser inflicts hurt, causing fear and hypervigilance. The third step the abuse victim accepts the blame for the abuse, believing to cause the problem, and labelling themselves sick.
It is a basic inner desire for love that's proper and godly, that is not met. In an attempt to survive and be loved anyway, the victim blames him or herself, punishing themselves through guilt and shame. The confusion is even worse, because the abuser is usually nice again for a time. That cycle gets established, and the abused person goes through it over and over, sometimes gets used to this pattern and lacking the wisdom of how to break out of it. Under treatment, you begin by evaluating the personality types and the concepts of Agape love through the Analysis Profile. This will expose the false concepts of love being held by both the abuser and the abused. They will need to understand how Agape love is demonstrated through sexuality. They will need to understand the concepts of sexuality for men being different from women. They will need to learn how to communicate in a healthy way through the process of patience.
There are a lot of ways to be sexually abused, other than the most obvious like rape or sexual assault. One way is to be not interested in being sexual, or too lazy to learn how to develop intimacy. Often abuse is using the act of being sexual to bribe the other person to get things they want. They can reject the spouse, and have an affair on the side. They can be critical and caustic of the other. They can be indifferent, rather than participating with closeness and intimacy. Using the personality types will help you understand the client’s reactions and attitudes. An active person may see being sexual as an item on the list of requirements, but they don't enjoy it or want to participate. An active person can also be very demanding for sexual satisfaction. Others may see sexuality or the pleasurable feelings as an escape from problems rather than a place of giving mutually to each other. Instead of facing problems, breaking through their awkward feelings about sex or feeling frightened, they are sexual, while being overly sensitive to the responses of their spouse and interpret them negatively.
Showing the clients their personality predisposition, and how to communicate effectively through the process of patience, brings understanding about these sexual abuse behaviors. They shouldn't be accepting mistreatment, nor should they be justifying their own inappropriate behaviors. If the abuse is intense and pervasive, and the abuser refuses to change, you may have to explain the reality of a Biblical Separation (Chapter 7), which we just discussed. You will notice, the Symptoms and Treatment text review the differences in how men and women view sexuality, the spiritual meaning behind the sexual act itself and what most men don’t understand. Most couples are ignorant of how God made each of us and our sexuality. You may need to supplement your explanation outside printed material that you know to be helpful with understanding the physical issues as well as the spiritual. The client's relationship to God affects sexual abuse. For men, reframe their focus on their identity and security in Christ, verses living through their sexual experiences to find security. For women, accepting their sexual needs are different from men and not trading away being honest about their real needs for intimacy with sexuality.
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Describe the three-step cycle of sexual abuse outlined in this chapter, and explain why this cycle is so effective at trapping the victim in self-blame.
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
The cycle of sexual abuse has three steps. First, the abuser is nice to the victim, presenting a false image of caring, godliness, or trustworthiness. Second, the abuser inflicts hurt, causing fear and hypervigilance. Third, the victim accepts the blame for what happened, believing they somehow caused the problem and labeling themselves as sick.
Because this cycle repeats over and over without the victim understanding what is happening or why, it becomes extremely difficult to break without outside help identifying the pattern.
Sexual Abuse of a Child
Let’s start out by focusing on the need to be aware of the mandated reporter laws in your state for informing a state agency of the abuse (see Reporting Guidelines). This may involve a hotline call, giving police statements, and other types of involvement. Every state has a little bit different idea about this, but in general, almost all of them will demand that you report sexual abuse (see State Abuse and Neglect Reporting Numbers).. You need to gather the required information before making the call. Consult with your CBT mentor or a veteran counselor if needed.
For example, in one case, the woman, who was actually mentally ill, told me that someone was abusing her son. In the end, it was actually the woman who was abusing the son. After an evaluation by a psychiatrist, she was hospitalized and the son became a ward of the state. In another case, the woman came alone with three documented instances of potential abuse. I interviewed the ten-year-old child, who was very honest, and told me that her father was touching her private parts. When you question children or parents, the questions must be very specific. Many things that you would never think of asking, you have to ask. Does the father or mother touch them on their private parts on the outside or their inside of their clothing? Has your mother or father ever kissed you with their lips on your private parts? Have you ever had to touch your mother or father's private parts? Have you ever seen them appear to be very happy? Or have you ever noticed any fluids that have come out of their bodies? There can be things going on that you need to find out, so that the child can be protected. In one case when I asked these questions, I learned that the father had been touching his daughter to masturbate her or him. He had literally kissed her private parts and the vaginal area, and he had also been intrusive, that he had been inside of her vaginal area with his tongue, meant that he had sodomized her. It was the second worst defense that he could have committed, the first being rape. It had happened at least four or five times just within a few months. In my state, that type of treatment has the potential sentence of five years to life.
When this involves children, and as a mandated reporter, ask enough questions in a sensitive manner from the non-accused parent. In best case scenarios, you can assist the parent to call to make the hotline report, with your supportive information to the hotline worker. It is better for everyone if you ask, able to pray, support the parent and child in the crisis, than a detective or police officer they don't know with a recorder running under bright lights. You can give them the comfort and reassurance they need in that situation. There's a very good potential that the victim will be required to be examined, which can mean going to an emergency room that may have a special section for abuse victims. The parent may or may not be allowed to be there during the examination. They're looking for things like gaping wounds or tearing. If they find them, they will take pictures which is difficult for a child to deal with. You need to prepare them for what will happen.
If at all possible, refer them to a physician you trust to document this, rather than photographs. Call the physician and tell them what you need. The physician can let the parent be there, which is much less disturbing for the child. If the parent starts to tell you about sexual abuse, you need to tell the parent immediately, “If you tell me anything more, I will need to report your information to the Abuse Hotline.” In some situations, when necessary, you can separate the children from the parents yourself, though the parents must agree and you will still need to make the hotline report. You will need to know the process in your state. Working with a family in this situation requires a lot of discernment through the Holy Spirit, and sometimes a lot of courage on your part.
But also, if you get a clear-cut case where the child says, “Dad did this”, or “Mom did this”, you must make the report and document the facts of the report. Remember, you are not making the determination if the child’s statements are true or reportable, that is the responsibility of the hotline service provider and the investigator. If founded, most likely your records are subpoenaed, or you are subpoenaed to testify, which means you will take time out of your practice to go before a court, and make some sworn statements. It may also mean then you get the couple to counsel. They separate and you find some to work with the parent who is accused. You work with the children, including family services worker and a possible Guardian Ad Litem (child[ren]’s legal advocate). Sometimes you work with them for a long time, because the effects of the abuse impact them differently as they mature through different stages of understanding.
And if you find sexual abuse with either the children or the wife, but you have to deal with some of these things. In the Symptoms and Treatment Text it says, “Discuss how God's character of unconditional love is distorted by the cycle of abuse. This being building trust abusing and then building back trust.” This pattern is purposefully designed to destroy the client's sense of discernment, sense of his or her intelligence, and create a sense of self-loathing. Also, the belief that the client is sick or wrong, and the reason for the abuse is some wrong action on the client's part. Those are the most important parts of laying the groundwork for counseling, helping the client understand what happens (the cycle), and why they must stop this cycle, and learn to confront the other person to establish a new relationship that is appropriate.
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What is the process to follow if you suspect child abuse, either sexual or physical, within the first marriage setting?
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
An initial investigation should be launched by the counselor. In most states the counselor is legally required to make a report to the Department of Family Services if there is a potential of physical or sexual abuse. If you suspect abuse and can separate the family that night, do so. See the other party as soon as possible, such as the next day.
If the report still seems to be true after you interview the potential abuser, the abused, and any other individuals such as the spouse or guardian, then call the hot-line number. Even though it is difficult, be sure to ask the child specific questions about where he or she was touched, with what parts of the body the other person touched him or her, and if there was any literal intercourse.
You will probably have to supplement this with a physical exam, preferably by a physician who is known to the family.
First Marriage Adultery
Now the last issue in a first marriage is potential adultery by one or both individuals. Again, you use the process of confrontation and separation when appropriate. If the report of an affair is subtle, you confront the relationship, and offer to counsel with the other person who is engaging in adultery. If the one in the adultery is willing to leave adulterous relationship, let them know that you are available to counsel them; give them a card with your contact information and a brochure about your practice. It is really best to get their contact information and send this to them or get a phone number to call, so that the client doesn't have to contact again. Because person having the affair may get into talking again with their extra marital partner, begin experiencing the emotions, manipulation, or fear, then get talked out of leaving the relationship. I've seen some people go through breaking off the relationship 8 or 10 times, and sometimes they never break it. This is one of the hardest influences for you to confront and control as a counselor, because they have so many ways to connect: cars, motels, phone, text, and at the other person's house.
The back and forth cycle of adulterous affairs seriously impacts the marriage, especially if the couple has been married under 7 years that often lead to a divorce. The spouse in the affair, can be caught in a pattern of lying to themself, dependent upon the emotions, false concepts of love, nuances and innuendos used by the other person to regain the adulterous relationship. The other spouse may get tired of waiting to see change, and after a while they just give up. They feel extremely disrespected, and don't know what to do at all. Even when I have offered to counsel the adulterer for free, only a few have accepted it and neither stuck with it. They are filled with excuses for why they can‘t change. When all of the excuses are challenges, you find they really don’t want to change. You're not trying to get rid of them or say they're awful, but you're trying to help the client see the truth of the other individual and their spiritual self and their relationship to God.
Apply Agape love principles to reveal that in this adulterous relationship there is no godly love, only bondage, lust, control or being used. In one case, the woman said that she loved this man very much. When she was 16, she'd had a child by him, but he didn't marry her and she kept their child. After 15 years, while she was married to a different man, and he was married to a different woman, they met and started the affair again. She told me about them meeting one night after he told his wife that he was bowling. I asked her to concentrate very hard on her feelings during that night. Think about how he touched you, think about making love, and hold those feelings. I reminded her of the concept of rude, pretending you don't know what you're doing to get what you want. Next, think of him standing at the door saying goodbye to his two kids and wife, with his bowling ball bag in his hand. So, she said something like, have a good time. And he looked at her and smiled and said, “I will. I want to go bowl with George, Fred and Herman. We'll be over at such a place and be home about 11.”
Now think of your feelings. Think about how he lied to her to get what he wanted, which was to have an affair, deceive his children, go to a motel, be with you, and probably be sexual with you. Think about how you feel now. It’s 11 o'clock, after he made love to you. He goes home, the kids are in bed and his wife says, “Did you have a good time? How'd you do?” So, he lies again, “I had some good games.” She was lonely, and felt open to him and wanted him to make love to her. So, an hour after making love to you, he makes love to his wife. And let's say that he had an orgasm, and had told her he loved her. They're lying in bed, and he's drifting off to sleep, and she snuggled in next to him and got her arms around him. In the morning, the kids wake up and run in and want to know about the game. I said, “Now tell me how you feel.” And what she said was, “I feel awful.” And I said, “If love is not a feeling, but is trustworthy, not rude and embodied in Jesus, then, do you really love him? If he lies to you, does he really love you? If he lies to his wife, would he lie to you? If he's rude to his wife, would he be rude to you? He lives for himself, not led of Jesus, not Christ, like not submissive to God, and really doesn't love anybody except himself, let alone you.” In that particular case, she went and confessed the adultery to her husband, was able to leave that relationship, and dealt with her own problems. As she focused on her own issues and she began to change, her relationship to her husband got better. Her husband forgave her and changed many of his own unloving ways. Adultery stopped and no longer had any control over her.
This will conclude our discussion about all these different topics within a first marriage. You will see these same issues arise in a second marriage, or even in a homosexual or lesbian relationships. Relationships where people don't get along, don't know how to solve conflict or at odds with God. When they don't follow Biblical principles, the results are predictable. The only thing that is going to be different in any given case is going to be the personalities involved. What differs is the types of personalities. Instead of two active people in a power struggle, one will be active and the other is passive personalities. Passive personality type people can be sneaky and manipulative, putting on a front, pretending like they don't know what's going on, and scheming. The active personality person might be loud, demanding and straightforward. If both are passive personality types, they would to ignore the problems, and not deal with them. If they're both active-sincere personality types, they are both frustrated, because they know something is wrong, but they don't know how to change anything. Remember the only thing varies is the response to a situation. The responses, though, are predictable, rudeness, impatience, and unkindness. The way we define those things is the standard for how we're supposed to act. We help people understand God’s standard, and love for each of them. God is compassionate, gives grace (Psalms 103:8), and understands each of their uniqueness. He will work with their different tendencies and problems, demonstrating His love by accepting their brokenness (Romans 5:8), not demanding that they change, but willing to spend a lifetime living with their broken places. Agape love is exactly what you're asking them to learn to do for those they love. Live with the other’s brokenness and help them to get better by being like Christ. Being consistent through power coming from God Himself, not something they pump up or just have for one person, but treating all people as Jesus does.
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Using the case study of the woman confronting her feelings about her affair partner's actions on the night he lied to his wife about "bowling," explain the counseling technique used and what it revealed about the true nature of the relationship.
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
The counselor asked the woman to slowly and vividly walk back through a specific night of her affair in sequence: first her feelings of connection and being touched during their encounter, then the memory of the man lying to his wife and children about going bowling in order to be with her, then the later scene of him returning home, lying again about his evening, and being intimate with his own wife that same night, and finally the following morning with his children asking about the game.
The counselor helped her move from an emotional attachment to the relationship toward an honest evaluation of the man's actual character and behavior. The Biblical definition of love was applied to the affair, asking whether a love that requires deception, exploits both women, and centers entirely on self-gratification truly qualifies as love at all.
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According to the chapter, how does a counselor typically handle a case of adultery when confronting the person involved in the affair, and what makes this one of the hardest situations for a counselor to manage?
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Dr. Dan's Answer:
When adultery is confronted, the counselor generally offers to counsel the person engaged in the affair as well, providing them with contact information and an invitation to reach out on their own initiative, rather than the counselor or spouse continuing to pursue direct contact. Continued personal conversation with someone still caught up in an affair creates opportunities for emotion, manipulation, and persuasion that can talk the person out of leaving the relationship -- some individuals have attempted to break off an affair eight or ten times without success.
Meanwhile, the faithful spouse often grows exhausted from waiting for change that never comes, leading to feelings of disrespect and hopelessness. The counselor's role in this difficult dynamic is not to force resolution but to consistently apply Agape love principles so that the client can see clearly that the adulterous relationship is built on bondage, lust, and self-interest rather than godly love.
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